Boys Will Be Decoys
I often come off needy and desperate, so I'm trying to play it cool with this great new guy I'm dating -- a new and difficult tactic for me. There are two other guys who are into me. I'm not into them, but I'm tempted to keep them on the back burner -- you know, throw them a few crumbs now and then to keep them hooked so they can be a distraction from the new guy. I know this is user-y, so I haven't decided to do it, but I also haven't come clean about where I'm really at. And I have to admit I don't mind the validation they give me. Ugh.
--Torn
If you're going to turn men into emotional support knickknacks, why not go all the way? Cut their hearts out and stick them in Mason jars with cute labels written in glitter pen.
What you're contemplating is romantic fraud. Sure, stacking up irrelevant men like firewood so you can climb into the arms of the man you want is easier than exploring why you "often come off needy and desperate." A wild guess: Because you are?
Typically, this comes out of trying to use a guy for jobs he can never fill, like making you feel okay about you. If that's the problem, get to work on fixing it. In the meantime, avoid coming off needy and desperate by acting like a woman who might end up wanting a man but doesn't need him. That woman doesn't barrage him with calls, texts, and surprise visits -- or text back with an immediacy that suggests she's been hovering over her phone like a starving hawk circling the den of the last prairie dog on earth. Get your restraint where you can, like by responding to a text from him by giving your phone to somebody to lock in a drawer for an hour. Waiting to text back will help you come off like the woman you should try to be, one who embodies the understanding that emotional security comes from within -- and no, not from within a bunch of other people.
"...user-y"? Isn't that what Shylock does?
Patrick at March 31, 2015 5:47 PM
Really, this sounds like an MRA moby. And I should know..
phunctor at April 1, 2015 9:28 AM
I disagree. When it's right, you'll BOTH be answering each other's texts as soon as you can.
NicoleK at April 1, 2015 10:43 AM
Yeah NicoleK but not when a person gives off that needy vibe.
I don't know how to explain it. When you're crazy for someone and you know they are crazy for you but aren't desperate then you go all batshit crazy for each other. When they give off that vibe you just can't bring yourself to really reciprocate in that obsessive sense.
Ppen at April 2, 2015 8:24 PM
To add to what Ppen said: I've both done the needy thing myself and experienced it from others. The problem with needy people is that they are usually unhappy people. You find yourself tethered to a person who's unpleasant to be around because they are uhhappy about everything.
Cousin Dave at April 3, 2015 7:30 AM
LW, short answer: stop acting like a whining she-dog, and start acting like a grownup woman.
And people wonder why most of my friends are male.
Here's a poem my mother gave me when I was but a Wee WallaWallaWanda many, many years ago. It might help you:
COMES THE DAWN
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on
Today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn and learn ….
With every goodbye you learn.
Wallawallawanda at April 3, 2015 1:44 PM
I know this is user-y, so I haven't decided to do it,
I you do end up doing that, I hope karma delivers a guy sometime in the future who does the same to you. It couldn't happen to a more deserving woman.
JD at April 4, 2015 2:04 PM
I'm not into them, but I'm tempted to keep them on the back burner
Ah, the "Any relationship is better than No relationship." call of the desperate female.
LW, you need some alone time to work on seeing yourself without the prism of having a man on your arm. Your self worth should not be based on whether you have a man or not. (keeping around a guy you aren't into just to say you have someone is the epitome of desperate)
Take this time to let yourself relax, think about what your do and don't want in a relationship, and see how things go with the guy you do like. Don't be cruel and make the other 2 schlubs hang around for scraps when they could be out looking for a woman that will be "into them".
Kat at April 6, 2015 4:27 PM
@"I often come off needy and desperate, so I'm trying to play it cool with this great new guy I'm dating"
This isn't sustainable, firstly, it takes a lot of energy to pretend to be someone you aren't really .. it's impossible 'keeping up the act' through a marriage and until you're both old. Second, he's falling in love with someone who .. isn't actually you .. so when you no longer have the energy to keep up the mask and start being yourself, he'll go sour on you when he finds himself with a different person. Third, it usually backfires, because while you're trying to 'play it cool' you'll end up gaming yourself - because you're trying to attract someone who is inherently more cold and distant and unloving than the type of partner you really want and need, you'll end up feeling more lonely in the relationship. My advice (apart from also following Amy's good advice) is to just find someone who is more mutually loving/caring/affectionate in personality. (I don't entirely agree with this modern idea that everyone needs to somehow learn to be happy with sociopathically cold distance and lack of affection from those around us.)
Lobster at April 8, 2015 5:16 PM
As for deliberately playing with other men's feelings, honestly, I don't even know what to say. That's evil, don't do it. Sounds to me like you're wanting to do mean from some sort of deep sense of hurt within ... you're just going to make yourself more cold and bitter, apart from hurting other people in the process. Rather try find a group of new friends with lots of more genuine love and affection etc.
Lobster at April 8, 2015 5:18 PM
Human beings need love and affection .. I have this theory that people who get labelled needy are really just not getting enough love and affection from those around them. I don't think that's something to be ashamed of. I think giving your partner so little love and affection that they become needy, is wrong. Go find a loving, affectionate man and you won't be so needy.
Lobster at April 8, 2015 5:21 PM
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