The Hurt And Confused Locker
I was dating a sociopathic compulsive liar for three months. I had a gut feeling that he was lying about his work, education, and finances, but I had no real proof. This allowed him to manipulate me and convince me that I was crazy, insecure, and paranoid. Finally, through Internet searches and contact with his ex-wife, I got proof together and confronted him. Though I dumped him, I've become super-edgy and suspicious that everyone's lying to me. I even accused a co-worker of stealing my phone. I think the stress this guy put me through probably caused PTSD. How does one move on after dating a sociopath?
--Burned
Tales from your PTSD support group:
THEM: "I was held captive with a burlap bag over my head and beaten with electrical cords."
YOU: "I'm right there with you, bro. This dude I was dating told me his Ferrari was paid for, and it turned out to be leased!"
YOU: "My boyfriend pretended he was buying a mansion, but he really lives with his parents."
THEM: "That's terrible. Can you help me put on my prosthetic leg?"
Sure, according to Pat Benatar, "love is a battlefield." But spending three months fighting with a sociopathic boyfriend doesn't leave you ducking for cover whenever a car backfires like a guy who did three tours of IED disposal in Iraq and came home with most of the parts he went in with. Ofer Zur, a psychologist who specializes in treating post-traumatic stress disorder, explains, "To meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD, the stressor experienced must involve actual or threatened death or serious injury."
What you did experience is called "gaslighting," a covert form of psychological bullying that leaves you doubting your perception of reality and, eventually, accepting the bully's distorted, self-serving version. So, for example, when you question your partner on something -- like their work, education, or finances -- instead of doing the civilized, healthy-person thing and giving you an answer, they blast you for daring to insult them by asking. (People who are cheating will often do this.) Day after day, as they treat you like you're nuts, blind, or dumb, your self-worth erodes and you feel less and less able to trust your judgment -- to the point where you start using all the red flags as carwash towels.
The thing is, gaslighting isn't like an alien spaceship with a giant vacuum hose, sucking in any person in its path. It's the need for outside validation that makes a person susceptible, explains psychologist Robin Stern in "The Gaslight Effect." Another risk factor is an overvaluing of romantic love -- seeing it as a magical eraser for life's problems and a way to duck out of the grubby work of developing a self. Believing the unbelievable is the price of maintaining a relationship that seems "more intense, more glamorous, and more special." This is basically selling yourself out for love -- though all you really have is a snake charmer and a snake, all in one basket, with a boyfriend face taped across the front.
To your credit, you had a strong enough self that you eventually crawled up through the romantic cloud cover and did some late-night Internet snake-hunting. Though you've given your reptile the boot (or perhaps upcycled him into a handbag), your fear of being scammed again has you going all Inspector Javert on every slightly shifty-eyed co-worker. Consider that you're reacting to the romantic con job as if it happened randomly, like a roast chicken falling out of a private jet and cracking you on the head. To stop wildly flinging suspicion around, accept responsibility: Admit that you got duped because you wanted to believe more than you wanted to see.
Granted, it isn't always easy to identify the liars. (You can't just keep an eye out for those telltale pants on fire.) Stern, however, offers good advice to avoid getting taken in by gaslighters and other pathologically inventive hustlers. Instead of debating them on whether a particular piece of information is right or wrong, focus on your feelings. Ask yourself: "Do I like being treated this way...talked to this way?"
And though you don't have PTSD, you might take a page out of Zur's playbook -- his notion that we heal from bad experiences by creating a narrative that gives them meaning for the future. You, for example, could use this experience as a giant Post-it note reminding you to take a relationship slowly, meet a person's circle of friends, and see who they are over time -- instead of immediately declaring that you've found the love of the century. If you're going to have a fairy-tale relationship, it shouldn't be because little or nothing in it exists in real life.
When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them.
Sheryl Sandberg at December 8, 2015 5:41 PM
This column is why I love you. This right here.
I saw many people like the LW in a previous job. I learned quickly that people who fail to hold themselves accountable for their poor judgment and skewed desires will always be "victims." It's now a red flag for me when people are suspicious/bitter toward everyone they meet; it's a sign that they're refusing to take responsibility for their own poor choices.
LW may not want to accept what you said, but it is well that you said it. Life is too damn short for someone to make herself so pointlessly miserable as the LW is doing to herself.
Jamie at December 9, 2015 7:10 AM
What Jamie said.
The unfortunate part is that she will probably choose another one the next time, too. As the moth finds the flame, a "victim" finds a "perpetrator". "There was just something about him..."
bkmale at December 9, 2015 7:54 AM
Amy nails it, as she usually does. LW, I've been where you are. Being in a relationship with someone like that damages your self-worth and leaves you questioning your sanity. Here's what you need to do: Tell yourself, "it wasn't me, it was him." Repeat often. Any and all criticisms he made of you, ignore them. Did he hate a particular top you liked, and made you throw it away? Go buy three more just like it. Did he fly off in a rage when you wanted to go to Wednesday night book club instead of being at home cooking him dinner? Go to Wednesday night book club, every week, and make it a point to stay late. Seriously, do things for yourself. Think of something you always wanted to do but never got around to, and go do it. Any words that he ever told you about things he didn't like about you, flush those out of your brain. (And be thankful that you didn't marry him.) Make it a point to re-establish any friendships that you abandoned because of him.
Read up on the Cluster B personality disorders. It will explain a lot of what you experienced. Don't try to "get into his head" or figure out what he was thinking -- it's a waste of time. Just accept that people like him, that's how they roll, and nobody can change them. As you get distance from this relationship and the fog lifts, you will be able to look back and see things from early in the relationship that were warning signs. And then you will be able to spot those in other people who are the same way, and avoid getting involved with them.
Cousin Dave at December 9, 2015 8:19 AM
LW, be proud that you followed up on your suspicions and then dumped him when you found the truth (so that you wasted ONLY three months). A friend of mine was in your situation, but she ended up pregnant with the guy's kid!
The lesson you just learned can be really powerful to you. As Amy says, you can use it as a reminder to take it slow, meet his friends, and keep things casual.
But do NOT use what happened as an excuse to become controlling, demand all your future boyfriend's passwords, and give him a curfew. My friend (mentioned above) did that with her next boyfriends.
sofar at December 9, 2015 9:57 AM
Amy... is there a "donate" button on your site? It's advice like this (while openly reading free of charge) that inspires someone like myself to ensure that there is at least an exchange of some sort for reading this type of insight.
An absolutely fantastic piece of advice.
Ian at December 9, 2015 1:05 PM
Most of the bases have already been covered by previous commenters, but I wanted to thank you, Amy, for pointing out that, contrary to her claims, she does not suffer from PTSD. Trigger warnings have now been adopted by the hypersensitive special snowflakes like fashion accessories, when in truth, they are for PTSD patients and no one else.
These self-diagnosing idiots belittle those PTSD patients who truly have had reason to think they were in immediate danger of some horrible death. Being in a bad relationship does not give you PTSD.
Patrick at December 9, 2015 4:18 PM
Thank you so much, Jamie and everybody. And Ian, yes, on my blog, lower left side ("paypal/donate"). Link just below.
http://www.advicegoddess.com/goddessblog.html
I worked really, really hard on this column, and it means a lot to see the appreciation above.
Amy Alkon at December 9, 2015 10:57 PM
There are plenty of non-sociopaths who are liars ... I wonder on what basis she labels him a sociopath, or if it feels more 'victimy' to say you dated a sociopath.
Lobster at December 10, 2015 1:02 PM
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” Mel Brooks
FIDO at December 11, 2015 1:13 AM
It shows. Keep up the good work :-)
Ian at December 15, 2015 8:11 AM
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