Your Place Aura Mine?
I'm a man who respects science and tries to live rationally, and I'm dating this truly great woman who, unfortunately, is into astrology, energy healing, past lives, and other ridiculousness. I try to be open-minded, and I've been telling myself, "Hey, people can be different and still be together." However, she recently told me she'd seen a giant space worm out of the corner of her eye. It was 4 feet tall. Come on.
--Reasonoid
Yes, "people can be different and still be together." In one case, headphones made this possible -- for a sweet guy who cheers up by listening to death metal but fell in love with a woman whose favorite music video scene has the von Trapp children skipping around the Swiss Alps in drapes.
Unfortunately, there's no nifty audio technology to block out the lack of respect you feel for your girlfriend when you hear about her getting pony rides from a space slug or refusing to eat chicken when the moon's in Aquarius. A lack of respect for your partner's beliefs (as opposed to finding them merely odd or infuriating) is the starting line for contempt -- the amped-up form of disgust -- which marriage researcher John Gottman finds is the single best predictor that a relationship will tank.
So, in vetting partners, yes, it's good to keep an open mind. However, as the saying goes, just "not so open that your brains fall out" -- and you come to hear, "Hey, honey, the kids and I will be home a little late. They're running an hour and two ritual slaughters behind at the primary care shaman."
She saw a giant space worm out of the corner of her eye??! Well that's one way to get rid of someone you no longer want to date. No need to get into any long drawn out explanations of why you don't want to be with that person anymore. Just start making them think you're plugged right into the moon and they'll run like hell in the other direction.
Jan at August 9, 2016 5:59 PM
When she told him about the worm, the question he should have asked was "What were you eating/drinking/smoking, and how much do I need to take before I see it too?"
Rex Little at August 10, 2016 5:02 AM
I think less of my "rational/skeptical" friends (usually men) who date woo-mongers. Why embrace a hawker of everything you're trying to debunk, everything you mock?
Michael Shermer has written brilliantly on the paranormal and why we have no reason to believe in it, even though our brains tell us to. He's even explained the physiological reasons for why people do. He talks about how seemingly unlikely coincidences aren't really unlikely.
Then after his wedding day he related an anecdote about an antique radio turning itself on while his fiancee was getting ready, and it felt like the presence of her deceased grandfather. I hoped the tone would be "Even my skeptical brain can be tricked." It was more like, "You never know."
I felt disappointed, like he betrayed his previous lectures on the subject. Was this some kind of sentimental gesture for his new wife? I wanted his ability to reason to come first.
Insufficient Poison at August 10, 2016 7:08 AM
Yeah, I've dated one or two like that. The relationships didn't make it far past the first date. I knew I wouldn't have any respect for them, and that in turn would make me feel like I was in the relationship under false pretenses. Plus, if I was ever sick or in an accident, would she take me to the ER or to a voodoo doctor? Too big a risk.
Although I wonder if Jan didn't hit it in the above comment... this is her way of convincing the LW to dump her. That way, she gets out of a relationship she doesn't want but also gets to don the "victim" mantle.
Cousin Dave at August 10, 2016 8:27 AM
It's a good point. When I was younger and less empathetic, I would occasionally try to end a relationship by coming up with a position or requirement that no reasonable man would accept.
Sometimes this backfires and you're still stuck with a boyfriend for whom YOU now have contempt.
"Four-foot space worm" (assuming this is exactly what LW reported and not editorial discretion) is way nuttier than "as an Aries I am expecting a big win today."
Insufficient Poison at August 10, 2016 8:48 AM
I think less of my "rational/skeptical" friends (usually men) who date woo-mongers. Why embrace a hawker of everything you're trying to debunk, everything you mock?
What do they say when you ask 'em why? Off the top of my head, I could think of a couple reasons, neither of which have to do with debunking or mockery.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at August 10, 2016 9:16 AM
I don't usually ask because it feels rude. Also I'm pretty sure the real answer, which they won't admit, is that they don't have to respect a woman's reasoning abilities to want to date her. They're not looking for that in a romantic partner. No one wants to acknowledge that, so I'd expect defensiveness.
The ones I have asked say something like it doesn't matter if their partner has "the same opinions on everything." Well... Reasonable minds can differ, of course, but we're not talking about reasonable minds. These men are online heckling people who think exactly like their girlfriends, whose opinions they're "honoring."
Many people, in my experience, will overlook their so-called devoutly held beliefs if they're sexually attracted to someone. I can't relate to that when it comes to relationships. I can't see myself in a relationship with a big-government liberal type or a religious person.
Now, sexual fantasies? Occasionally. But only if I can imagine that they're betraying their beliefs for me (hot), or conceding their devoutly held beliefs aren't devoutly held (I win--also hot).
Insufficient Poison at August 10, 2016 11:28 AM
"I think less of my "rational/skeptical" friends (usually men) who date woo-mongers. Why embrace a hawker of everything you're trying to debunk, everything you mock?"
Are these guys just hanging around for the sex? or really hoping she will turn into the "ONE" and then shut up?
It's really really hard to listen to stuff that you really really disagree with.
I think a lot of guys just tune it out w/o realizing that after marriage they don't have a home to escape to. It's hers now and forever.
Bob in Texas at August 10, 2016 2:53 PM
Yep. I gotta agree with this advice, Amy. Usually, you tell people to make a go of it, even when I would have said, "Catch and release this one."
But this? You can indulge this nonsense as a friendly acquaintance, but not as a life partner.
Reminds of a time I was at the multi-disciplinary clinic massaging a young girl whose grandmother accompanied me into the massage room. She saw two very large angels flanking me as I worked on her granddaughter, and a blue light emanating from my right hand as I worked on her granddaughter which grew brighter as my hand moved up her granddaughters back.
Oooooookay.
Yes, the woman was amusing and entertaining, but not to be taken seriously. I could not become good friends with her. That level of weirdness I just can't do.
Patrick at August 10, 2016 7:12 PM
How do I meet this woman?
jefe at August 10, 2016 8:00 PM
"Sometimes this backfires and you're still stuck with a boyfriend for whom YOU now have contempt."
Lol... I won't say I've never been that boyfriend. I was stupid about a lot of things having to do with relationships back in the day.
Cousin Dave at August 11, 2016 6:29 AM
"It's really really hard to listen to stuff that you really really disagree with.
I think a lot of guys just tune it out w/o realizing that after marriage they don't have a home to escape to. It's hers now and forever."
I think so too.
Insufficient Poison at August 11, 2016 7:16 AM
Her: "What's your sign?"
Me: "Leprechaun. According to my chart, my best matches are with women who are Unicorn and Tooth Fairy and my worst are with Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch. What sign are you?"
JD at August 14, 2016 10:36 AM
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