Romancing The Grindstone
I'm a 32-year-old woman with a really intense job that I love. I work long hours every week, and I often work weekends, too -- by choice. I don't want kids, but I'd love to have a relationship. I just worry that guys will want more of me timewise and energywise than I can give -- which is basically some nights (into mornings) during the week and on weekends -- and will feel neglected and resentful.
--Work First
Understandably, not everyone is into the sort of relationship where a sleepover entails setting up a yurt inside their partner's office.
Like you, I'm pretty fiercely "work first." Because of that, I don't cook; I heat. I'm annoyed by my body's demands for sleep. Every night! And my home seems less like a home than...well, as my boyfriend said -- stepping over the endocrinology research papers and corresponding Post-its laid out all over my bathroom floor: "It looks like an academic crime scene."
You and I are actually somewhat unusual as women who see a "healthy career-life balance" as a threatening crimp in the work that means so much to us. In fact, it turns out that there are some pretty strong sex differences in ambition. (Ladies, please put down the pitchforks!) This isn't to say women aren't ambitious. Plenty of women are; it's just that women, in general, more often want "normal" lives -- with, say, a job they enjoy but go home from before the owls start pouring each other nightcaps.
There's a great deal of research that reflects this. In a 2015 study, economists Ghazala Azmat and Rosa Ferrer surveyed young lawyers on their level of ambition: "When asked to rate, on a scale from 1 to 10, their aspirations to become an equity partner in their firm, 60 percent of male lawyers answered with 8 or more, compared to only 32 percent of female lawyers."
However, there's an assumption that women should want to join the cutthroat race to the corner office. Psychologist Susan Pinker criticizes this as the "male standard" being forced on women. In her 2008 book, "The Sexual Paradox," Pinker points to countless studies that find that women tend to be more motivated by "intrinsic rewards" -- wanting to be happy more than they want to be on top. As an example, she profiles "Donna," who quit her prestigious job as a tenured professor in a computer science department for a lower-status job (tutoring faculty at another university) that allowed her more one-on-one engagement with people. Pinker explains, "Donna decided to opt for what was meaningful for her over status and money."
Like you, I don't want kids. (I describe them as "loud, sticky, and expensive.") However, Pinker notes that there's "plenty of evidence that many more women than men" -- including women at the top of their game -- put family before career advancement. She tracked down "Elaine," the author of an op-ed titled "My glass ceiling is self-imposed," about why she'd declined a promotion that would have put her third from the top in a company with 12,000-plus employees in more than 60 countries.
The president of the company was dumbfounded. But Elaine wrote that she was happily married, with children (and grandparents nearby). The promotion would have required relocating, and that would have destabilized her family. She concluded her piece with the observation that "many companies ... would like nothing more than to have more senior female executives, but not all females are willing to give up what it might take to get there."
These sex differences in ambition make evolutionary sense. Because women evolved to prioritize finding high-status "providers," mate-seeking men evolved to duke it out to occupy the spot of Ye Olde Big Man On Campus. Sure, these days, mover-and-shaker men typically seek women on a par with them in intellect and education. However, men are still vastly more likely than women to date the hot barista -- probably because, over evolutionary history, men evolved to prioritize signs of health and fertility in women (or, to put it another way: "Ye Olde Big Perky Breastesses").
Getting back to you, though guys are likely to be surprised that a woman would be so job-obsessed, there are those who'll be good with the limited amount of girlfriendhood you have to provide. Zeroing in on them just takes disclosure -- on your online dating profile and when you go on dates. Giving clear forewarning is the right thing to do for anyone with any unusual or obsessive pursuit -- whether it's a sex fetish, spending all one's time and disposable income tracking Sasquatch, or building a nuclear reactor in the basement. As for you, sure, you do eventually see yourself leaving the office -- but probably in a vintage Japanese cloisonne urn.
She works nights and weekends, good for her, but a boyfriend isnt a pet.
You get out of a relationship what you put in to it, if she wants companionship she will have to make some room elsewhere. Not much but some.
And she will have to spend the time set aside for that relationship with him.
Truthfully many guys wont mind this assuming they have sex regularly, many of the benefits of a relationship and a woman too busy working to nag/complain at him
lujlp at December 12, 2017 10:46 PM
What you want is a "Friend With Benefits". This means you have to make friends first. Use the time you have to make friends. Even if you don't find a friend you want to sleep with, THEY have friends to introduce to you. Be honest about your needs and wants with a prospective lover. Be kind.
I'm 80 now and if I could go back and change one thing about my life that I could have changed (not to be much taller, much prettier, much richer---which I really could not have changed), I would have been kinder to the men in my life.
Elizabeth Falkner at December 13, 2017 4:24 AM
I know lots of couples (including me and my husband) who see each other maybe two nights a week, thanks to conflicting schedules.
Two things need to exist for this to work.
1) Any guys LW dates need to love independence. If she needs to disappear into work for several days, they need to be the type that relishes this chance for alone time, friend-time, camping trips or whatever. And LW needs to be OK with it if, say, she finishes work early on a given day and he’s not willing to drop his plans for alone time/friend time/camping to rush to her side.
2) If she makes advance plans with a guy, she needs to keep them. Cancelling last minute “because of work” constantly shows you respect your time more than someone else’s, and that is a huge turnoff.
sofar at December 13, 2017 10:00 AM
@sofar: Exactly. It's picking the right guy, and being reliable within the constraints she imposes. She may devote less time to a relationship than others, but what commitments she does make, she has to take just as seriously as her business commitments.
a_random_guy at December 13, 2017 11:04 PM
Elizabeth Falkner, I love your comment. Thank you
Mary at December 14, 2017 10:21 PM
Just an off the cuff question but how exactly does she intend on FINDING her FWB?
She better a) believe in divine providence or b) be very easy, because otherwise she's out of luck. (Amy lucked out but how many Gregs are there?)
I mean, you read these articles by women who work 40 hour jobs with another 40 hours a week just looking for a man and they can't find ANYTHING much less someone so tailor made for her demands.
How does she intend on doing it? Mail order Hubby?
There you go! She can look for a Green Card Applicant. He will be happy with whatever attention he gets, and frankly, she isn't the priority anyway.
Issue solved. So...how is her Slovakian?
FIDO at December 17, 2017 6:19 AM
She must have SOME hobby or interest that she can also use to get men in her life (stamp collecting club? attending NASCAR races? curling? clog dancing?).
You can meet men in the oddest venues. I should know; I met my husband of 30 years at an engagement party. My own to the man I left for my now-husband.
Also, does she really want a relationship or just some sex every once in a while?
Elizabeth Falkner at December 20, 2017 4:04 AM
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