A Good Man Is Hard To Fund
I'm a 35-year-old woman. I'm living with my boyfriend, who's a freelance artist (talented but just getting started). We've been together for three years, and I am paying for pretty much everything. I don't feel resentful. I feel like we're a team and eventually his career will take off. However, my parents keep saying it's a bad dynamic: I'm coddling him, and he's taking advantage of me.
--Worried
Ideally, when one partner is the sole breadwinner, the other is the stay-at-home parent to more than two rambunctious goldfish.
There's a term in risk researcher and former derivatives trader Nassim Nicholas Taleb's books -- "skin in the game." That's what's missing when, say, a hedge fund honcho advises you to make some big-bucks investment. If he's guessed right, he'll share in your profits. However, any losses are all yours -- as in, you'll find him up in his penthouse, not two cardboard boxes down from your new "home" on the corner.
"Skin in the game" is also what's missing from your boyfriend's end of the relationship. You're doing all of the work to keep the roof over the relationship. Your boyfriend's doing none of the work but reaping 100 percent of the benefits. This isn't to say relationships have to be exactly 50-50. But such a gross asymmetry in effort may be creating a breeding ground for laziness -- setting your boyfriend up to go all Leisure Larry in both his work and the relationship.
In fact, by making things so easy for him, you may be making it harder for him to succeed. Consider that you put in more effort when it's a necessity -- when you don't have inherited wealth (or a 9-to-5-toiling girlfriend who allows you to live as if you do).
Also, the fact that you're a woman who's paying for everything may make this more of a problem. Women evolved to seek "providers," and men coevolved to expect that -- and to expect the best women to hold out for investment. Men's self-worth is also driven by their ability to provide. So though many couples think they "should" be okay with a woman as the sole or primary moneymaker (because...equality!), it often leads to resentment in the woman and emasculation in the man. (Great if you like your sex without those boring erections.)
Finally, consider whether you really aren't okay with this Vincent van No Job arrangement but are going along with it because you think it's the good-girlfriend thing to do. It's okay -- and probably good for your relationship -- to ask your boyfriend to put "skin in the game," like by driving a bunch of runs on Uber to fork over for the electric bill. People value and feel more a part of something they have to work for -- and not just by opening all the bills (with an artistic flourish!) before handing them over for the wage slave girlfriend to pay.
There is the trick: how to tell when one is taking advantage of the situation and when one is still a worker in the relationship.
But there are indicators. If this guy is smoking weed every day for 'inspiration' like that gay guy's partner in the last post, then...um...
But if every day he is putting out another painting, drawing, ad campaign etc, and they just aren't selling...how do you say he isn't working? He is WORKING, he just isn't SELLING.
IIRC, the IRS has this great little tax analysis: if your 'business' isn't making any money after 5 years, it is not a business, it is a HOBBY.
You are three years in. Maybe this helps.
FIDO at January 3, 2018 6:26 AM
"He is WORKING, he just isn't SELLING."
Yeah, that's the thing. Even if he's working his ass off, if his art's no good, it's a losing proposition. The hard truth is, in almost any field of art, most artists don't "make it" in terms of becoming financially self-sufficient, much less becoming famous. Of course, it's possible that he needs some time to find what he's good at, and then as he zeroes in on that, he'll become more successful. But after three years, if there's no improvement on that score, it probably isn't going to happen. And what's sad is, there are artists who are proficient, in terms of turning out a lot of work, but they aren't nearly as good as they think they are. And they'll keep persisting even as reality is slapping them in the face.
I've known several couples where one spouse made a sacrifice for several years so that the other spouse could work on doing something that would advance their career (e.g., getting a graduate degree), or tend to children. It's understood that the spouse making the sacrifice will eventually reap rewards. If there's no light at the end of the tunnel, then LW will eventually come to resent the relationship, if she isn't already.
Cousin Dave at January 3, 2018 6:40 AM
The other thing is how many 'non fiscal' contributions is he making around the house.
According to some bint in the Telegraph, 'the hardest job in the world is being a mum' and is worth $215,732 per year.
So, if he's doing the chores around the house, do we value those contributions in the same manner?
FIDO at January 3, 2018 6:43 AM
She should dump this guy like, yesterday. Why can he not work and do his art on the side, until he can make a living at it? The guy has zero incentive to take care of himself. What she should ask herself is "if I wanted to not work, and have him pay the bills, would he do it?" I am betting the answer is no. In this scenario, it is always going to be take-take-take from him and give-give-give from her.
stormy at January 3, 2018 7:51 AM
What she should ask herself is "if I wanted to not work, and have him pay the bills, would he do it?"
IIRC, the answer to that question has historically been called 'matrimony'.
FIDO at January 3, 2018 8:35 AM
I think there are a lot of considerations here. What is he doing to pull his weight? Does he keep everything clean, do the cooking and grocery shopping? When the XYZ breaks, does he do the shopping around for a good but not-overpriced repair guy?
Then there's the future. Do they want kids? If so, is he going to take care of them and be an at-home dad? What if something happens to her - job loss or illness - is he going to step up?
There are lots of ways to contribute... but if he's just phoning it in for all the other areas, then that's as major red flag.
Shannon at January 3, 2018 3:38 PM
"Yeah, that's the thing. Even if he's working his ass off, if his art's no good, it's a losing proposition. The hard truth is, in almost any field of art, most artists don't "make it" in terms of becoming financially self-sufficient, much less becoming famous."
Steven Archer and Donna Lynch are Ego Likeness, producing independent art media including books, paintings and very-well-engineered music, such as Now Until Forever.
Within minutes of publishing a new album, some snowflake who thinks they have a right to the work of others "shares" it online. This is making it clear that they cannot do anything that can be copied without it being stolen, and keeps them in the poorhouse.
The LW has little chance of ever seeing a dime until her guy either establishes an aggressive production schedule with commensurate copyright protection - or gets a job.
Sorry.
Radwaste at January 3, 2018 8:08 PM
I had the experience twice of shouldering the main load - the first time was a total waste of time - when he got a great job after 7 years (with my help) he REFUSED to even pay for PGE, we are talking $80/hour full time job here; the second time, now, after only 17 years, he is starting to offer to pay for this and that, more than half occasionally. He also does odd jobs for me a few times a year. My take is that "helping" and "gifting" rarely brings gratitude, usually resentment.
vicki at January 4, 2018 1:52 PM
Vicki-Please tell me you are not still with this person. It reads like you are. If so, please tell me why you would allow this????
Stormy at January 4, 2018 4:56 PM
Where can I meet women like this?
jefe at January 7, 2018 12:22 PM
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