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Column Quote Of The Month
I'm getting a lot of thank you notes from men for these lines I wrote in my Advice Goddess column:

Men are simple creatures. Give the average guy a hamburger, a naked girlfriend and a wide-screen TV, and hes happy. Throw in a Universal Remote, unfettered access to his friends, and time alone to use, fix, or stare at mechanical objects, and hes delirious with joy. Sounds pretty simple, huh -- find a good guy, let him be, and hell probably be good right back?

Posted by aalkon at August 27, 2003 8:07 AM

Comments

Throw in a six pack and you got a deal.

Posted by: Earl at August 27, 2003 9:28 AM

I can't believe I forgot the beer! I guess, with beer, that would be the perfect woman.

Posted by: (Amy Alkon) at August 27, 2003 9:30 AM

What if your column got cancelled by the local paper?? Can't read it!!

Posted by: Mad Hungarian at August 27, 2003 9:30 AM

I had this boyfriend in college who I liked a lot (was thinking about losing my virginity to him a lot), but I totally didn't want to be a simpering, "You never take tiiiime out for meeee" kind of girl like a lot of my friends were (oh, to have never been seventeen and insecure). So, I would call him when I didn't see him or he would call me, and we'd talk or hang out in his dorm. He was really good friends with his room mates, and they were cool guys, but in the back of my mind, I didn't want to turn into the kind of girlfriend who was a ball and chain, so I made sure that my friendships with my girlies didn't suffer (like theirs always did when they had a guy in their lives), and I tried to be a cool girlfriend. In fact, his friends were always like, "Wow! Your GF is so cool to not give you shit for running off with us, etc!"

I mean, if it was a date, yeah, I wanted his full attention, you betcha. And there were times when I really just wanted to be with him and I'd get a little selfish, "Nah, you can blow off the guys tonight, and maybe we'll do some other kids of blowing, eh?"

I guess, though, that either he was a total idiot, or I was just a really bad GF to him, because he broke up with me on the first night I had ever bought condoms because, and I quote, "You just don't seem to care about me enough. You never get jealous of my friends, and you're far too respectful of my space. I feel like I just don't mean that much to you."

I am still in shock when I think about it to this day. I thought I was being a cool girlfriend. When he started dating my best friend (an incredibly clingy girl who I didn't even like to be around at times) for revenge, I totally absolved myself of any responsibility for our break up. What a loser he was!

Posted by: Clarkified at August 27, 2003 9:37 AM

"You just don't seem to care about me enough. You never get jealous of my friends, and you're far too respectful of my space. I feel like I just don't mean that much to you."

I just love that -- the "not-psycho enough" girlfriend complaint.

Posted by: (Amy Alkon) at August 27, 2003 9:43 AM

"I just love that -- the "not-psycho enough" girlfriend complaint."

He had problems that he would talk to me about while we were together, but I didn't know at the time how many. Glad I didn't waste too much time on him. Only a few months. Of course, I have to admit that it took me a few years after that to get my head straight. I started to wonder if I really was incapable of loving someone, because I really thought I loved him. I think I did, to this day, I really think I did love him.

Posted by: Clarkified at August 27, 2003 10:45 AM

I love this particular column after reading it from the Metro and want to show it to all of my male friends but have a hard time looking for it on your web site. Will it or won't it be posted ?

And, of course, as a member of the terrified and thoroughly nagged sex, I owe you a big Thank You.
Yeap, my only wish is to have some time to stare at mechanical objects when there's nothing else to do and yet it seems so complicated with all the complaints that she does not have enough attention.

Posted by: Calvin at August 27, 2003 11:10 AM

Reminds me a little of a routine from the cataclysmically vulgar Andrew Dice Clay. Simply, sex ends with her saying, "Why won't you hold me? Why won't you talk to me?" His response? "'Cuz I'm done."

Yes, an emotionally absent lover is a bad thing (and an oxymoron). On the other hand, the demand of ALL of another's time and attention is a sign of insecurity and does not bode well for the future. Couples can and should want a fair amount of attention from their other halves, but a demand for it is the kiss of death for the relationship.

Posted by: Patrick at August 27, 2003 11:34 AM

It does sound bad, doesn't it ? However, she is not really unhappy, just that it's one of the those "I love you a lot more than you seem to have time to reciprocate" things.
I tried to explain that being the only bread earner who also cook, wash the dishes, and take care of the kids whenever they cry, starring at a mesmerizing mechanical object, forcing my brain to work on a non-stressful task, does have a stress-reducing property. That explanation usually works for about 3 days before it is forgotten again.

Posted by: Calvin at August 27, 2003 11:57 AM

With men, actions speak louder than words. You can chat with your girlfriends. A guy who does all the car repair is a true love--I've been married 20 years and I don't do anything to my car but fill it up. He does all the electronic stuff, the home repair stuff, and the dealing with his insane family stuff.

Posted by: kate at August 27, 2003 1:30 PM

Well that sounds like a twenty something surfer dude who only cares about food and sex. What about a middleaged controlling, temper tantrum throwing ex-husband? Nothing can make that kind of man happy...

Posted by: cecile at August 27, 2003 1:38 PM

That falls under the "find a good guy" part. I think you can't have a healthy relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person. You have to first choose well, then be nice to the guy (and not try to bolt him to you or force him to do stuff he hates). It should make you happy to make him happy.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 27, 2003 2:40 PM

Homosexual men are simple creatures. Give the average homo an apple martini, a 13-inch buttplug, and a wide-screen TV, and hes happy. Any questions?

Posted by: Lena Cuisina at August 27, 2003 4:09 PM

For portability's sake, maybe you could combine the buttplug and the TV.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 27, 2003 4:42 PM