The Height Report
Just when you thought everybody who could whine about how hard they have it already had...fellow tall person John Leo plants tongue in cheek to write about Tall, a new magazine, just for us, and addresses the many hardships we, the, uh...ìuncommonly elevated,î endure:
ìDepicting tallness as evil may well be the last safe prejudice to have in America,î and ìOne of the vexing problems for the height-consciousness movement is that most people think tall people are doing well and should have no complaints.î
Hereís a bit more from Leo on the tragic hell of everyday life as a tall person:
ìABC's '20-20' pointed to research showing that women, corporations and children all prefer tall people. But this fails to account for the outright anti-height discrimination in everyday life. A nontall person may say, 'How's the weather up there?' (Correct reply: 'You'll find out when you grow up.') or 'Do you play basketball?' (Possible retorts: 'Do you play miniature golf?' and 'Are you a jockey?') And, as we all know, the cry 'Down in front!' devastates many tall and vulnerable teens. It's always hurtful to be looked upon as a visual obstacle."
But, tall is not lost:
"This is why activists are demanding a height-friendly college curriculum (reading ëWuthering Heightsí is a must). On the agenda too are height-themed dormitories where tall and pro-tall students can mix their distinctive cultures. Maybe a doctorate could be offered in tallness studies.There is even talk that dismissive phrases like ëthat's a tall tale,í which sadly associates height with lying, may be declared hate speech by the Irish parliament or even by the whole European Union.î
Of course, being tall canít be anywhere near as painful as being a rich, famous, movie star. Unfortunately, that segment of the magazine market already appears to be glutted.
Wha...? I'm lost. I'm over the national average in height and natural breast size. Does this mean that I am entitled to special treatment?
Oh, wait. Heh. I already do.
Yeah, it's tough being tall, blonde, and bountifully chested (no, they're not implants.)I don't get questions like, "How's the air up there?", though. I get questions like, "Are you a model?" and "Where do you buy slacks?" I'm glad the article was somewhat tongue-in-cheek (I hope) because I'd hate to think that a guy or girl would hesitate to ask me if it's hard to walk down a runway in stilletto heels, thus ending a great conversation and possible free drink before it even started.
Clarkified at August 12, 2003 4:09 PM
Oh, the suffering you must endure! You should start a support group right now for beautiful people. You, Bennifer, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Demi Moore, and all the other beautiful people in the world can sit around for three hours each week and talk about the abuse you must endure from the savage hands of the "average looking" and "aesthetically challenged," like how the phone never goes unrung on a Saturday night when I'm sure the beautiful people of the world would just rather sit home, stare into a mirror and lament their condition.
Patrick at August 13, 2003 2:41 AM
Hmm...I was going to answer this in-character, but I can't get past Bennifer and Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt. Certainly there are better-looking celebrities? I mean, putting me on the list of beautiful people is a stretch of the imagination that leaves me laughing, but since I wasn't serious in the first place, I was expecting that, but the Jennifers and the B's of the world...I just can't believe that there are teenage girls out there swooning over these guys and wanting to look like those girls. And I guess Demi Moore is beautiful, but as Fametracker said in their fame audit of her, what else does she really have going in her favor? I guess when I think of beautiful people, I always have to go back to Paul Newman. He's good looking, he's an excellent actor, and he actually does stuff with his fame. He donates all of his Newman's Own profits to charity. Then I always go to Audrey Hepburn, who also did a lot for bringing monetary relief into third-world countries.
Okay. Going back to a superficial reply: Yeah! It's hard being so beautiful! And with such big breasts! I mean, I'm always complaining about how I need a reduction and stuff, but that's like, you know, then all the guys always say, "Oh no! Don't do that!" And a club would be great, but who could I get to join it? Oh, the angst!
Clarkified at August 13, 2003 11:07 AM
A big breasts tangent: American bras are terribly made (especially those by Victoria's Secret), and American bra-makers always assume girls with large hooters have backs like longshoremen, so it's impossible to find a back size of 32 or below in large cup sizes. Girls with big boobs should buy their bras in Paris -- specifically, at Le Bon MarchÈ, where rue de Rennes and Boulevard Raspail meet, in the sixth. Brands: Empreinte or Chantelle. They're also available over the Internet, but why pass up an excuse to go to Paris? Also, they're worth the price (up to 70 euros) -- because they'll last forever, and they're made of wonderful, sexy, thin fabric, unlike American granny-style bras for girls with big ones. D'accord...j'ai finis!
Amy Alkon at August 13, 2003 2:24 PM
I don't really consider Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise to be all that either. I simply threw in the names that seem to have "mass appeal." Like if majority ruled, "Dear Abby" would be the world's best advice columnist, and we know she isn't. ("Remember, everyone! It's national fire safety week!" And during the other 51 weeks of the year, we can all burn to a crisp.)
Actually, every time I see Ben, Tom, Brad, et. al., I get flashbacks of a song from "West Side Story:" "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and bright!..." Pretty's okay, but not on guys.
I forget the name of that stupid movie, but it had Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis in it, and it was about a meteor falling to earth. I saw that and thought, "I must be the only person on the planet who thinks Bruce Willis is better looking than Ben Affleck."
Patrick at August 13, 2003 7:56 PM
Bruce Willis is MUCH better looking than Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck looks like a cross between Elvis and somebody the Leakeys dug up at Olduvai Gorge.
(Amy Alkon) at August 13, 2003 9:39 PM
Hey! I just got an e-mail about how I can enlarge my penis! LOL! Thought I'd share...y'know...since I'm a girl and all and if I really wanted to enlarge my penis, I'd go to "Good Vibrations" and buy a bigger one.
Anyway. Moving along. I think that Bruce Willis is sexy...I know. Unconventional. I find bald men attractive. Patrick Stewart. Bruce Willis. Ed Harris. Heck, Chris Cooper isn't all that bad, either though he's "thinning" rather than actually "bald". And I figured you were going for buzz names, Patrick, but I just had to add my disdain, although a girlfriend and I were talking earlier, and we decided that Jennifer Anniston is shag-worthy, though not so much as Jorja Fox is. AND-Jorja Fox is tall. That's a plus, eh? She also used to be a model...see how things come full circle?
Clarkified at August 13, 2003 11:29 PM
Oh-and I had to add-I looked at the bras earlier, and I'll admit that they're a lot nicer than the granny ones I wear now, but the size of my chesticles really does bother me, and I am looking into the reduction surgery. And I can imagine that it'd be hard to find something in a DD or larger cup in 32. It's near impossible for 34's, so I guess unless you get it custom made, it must be difficult for you. I'm not a big advocate of plastic surgery, and aside from having my wisdom teeth removed, I've never had any, but it's something I've been pretty serious about since I was in my teens and I've never grown out of the insecurities. but, I always put it off because it's such a big undertaking. One of these days, though...
Clarkified at August 13, 2003 11:33 PM
Before you get your boobs lopped off, listen to this from one who knows: If you go to France and put on an Empreinte bra, you will change your mind about breast reduction. Those bras changed my life and I'm not exaggerating a bit. PS At Le Bon MarchÈ, there are phones in the dressing rooms, and vendeuses (salesgirls) who actually help you, not like at Macy's, where they stand around watching you crawl under racks to find the one dusty bra in your size in magenta. When you need more bras or a different size, you just pick up the phone and say the brand you're trying on. You don't even need to speak French, you just need to be able to read the name on the label. I'm actually not a big Chantelle fan, but the really thin fabric Empreinte bras (which support like they're made of cast-iron) should win a Nobel prize or something. You haven't been lifted and separated until you've been lifted and separated by Empreinte. Oh yeah -- and if you go to Le Bon MarchÈ, to Empreinte, tell the Empreinte saleslady there the following: "Bonjour, Madame...la femme americaine avec les cheveux russes et le trËs petit chien m'a envoyÈe," which means I sent you, and she'll be very nice to you, because I've probably already bought her a house in the country in bra commissions. PS For running bras, Title9sports.com -- get the Lunaire and then the Tadpole bra to wear over it.
PS Sorry boys -- feel free to trade jockstrap tips if you're feeling left out.
(Amy Alkon) at August 14, 2003 2:59 AM
Thanks for the advice. I'll buy a bra over the internet since I probably won't be going to France any time soon (not by choice...by way of no pocketbook), and I'll try it. I'll try any bra once.
And yeah. Macy's sucks. I hate their bathrooms. I know it's crazy, but if a store can't even put their bathroom on an accessible level in an accessible area (behind the luggage counter on the third floor) and they can't even keep it clean (looks like cockroaches do all the maintenance, though I've never seen one, I know they're in there), then I don't need to shop there. I don't know how many letters I've sent to the management about how I will go to Nordstrom and buy my clothes there because they at least have decent (beautiful, really) bathrooms and you're buying the same clothes. Nothing's changed so far, but I keep going back to look. I've even thought about starting a petition, it bothers me that much. They have such awesome sales.
Clarkified at August 14, 2003 7:44 AM
No offense taken at the bra discussion. I'm just glad that someone besides me sees Bruce Willis as the much better looking of the two. What do you guys think of Sean Connery, since you mentioned bald attractive guys?
You've never seen a cockroach, Clarkified? Shoot, come to Florida! In Tampa Bay, the Palmetto bugs are big enough to saddle. You know what I really hate about the roaches down here? It isn't enough that they're big, repulsive and EVERYWHERE, but THEY CAN FLY! If God truly felt the need to create something disgusting, giving wings to these six legged-horrors was truly overkill. And the worst part about it is, they don't fly very well so they tend to run into you. They'll be cruising along and smack right into you! Bleah!
Patrick at August 14, 2003 9:55 AM
Oh-no! I've seen a cockroach, just not at Macy's. I'm just saying that I know they're lurking around. Somewhere. In the shadows. Planning all sorts of devious deeds to do in and on the toilet and soap dispenser when I leave and turn off the lights.
Oh, I've encountered cockroaches, black widows, a few violin spiders (in Alaska) and I even saved the life of a tarantula once from some arsewipe who was torturing it.
And Sean Connery. Bond. James Bond. Vodka martini-shaken, not shtirred, is an incredibly sexy guy. I am actually going to sneak into a movie theatre to watch "League" just because he's in it.
I think Nicholas Cage is quite dishy, too, and I used to like Harrison Ford until he started turning hack. Like...ten years ago...I'm still hanging in there, though. I know he'll make a comeback. someday. I hope.
Clarkified at August 14, 2003 10:15 AM
PS-have you ever heard the Monty Pythong song "All things Dull and Ugly"? I always think of that when I see a bug.
Clarkified at August 14, 2003 10:18 AM
I think of that when I see Ben Affleck.
(Amy Alkon) at August 15, 2003 12:50 AM
Ben Affleck is different from a cockroach...how?
Oops-didn't mean to offend the cockroach population.
Clarkified at August 15, 2003 10:05 AM
You're right about Empreinte, those French bras are fabulous for us larger size ladies. I found a shop near me (I'm in the UK) that stocks them, and I ordered four - a strapless, a seam free and two fun bras, one bright red!! They have a website www.Aphrodisia.co.uk so check it out.
Petra
Petra at April 21, 2004 12:22 PM
"I don't really consider Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise to be all that either."
Speaking of Ben Affleck, he was on Larry King Live last night, and he sounded like he wanted to run for political office!
Ben Affleck at July 28, 2004 4:39 PM