The Unsexy List
"50 genital-retracting people, places, and things, from the Nerve staff." A few of my genital-retracting faves:
1. Lip liner. To paraphrase David Cross: "Lip liner makes your mouth look like an asshole. You're talking and I'm imagining six different types of shit coming out of your mouth."4. Match.com personals. Fun-loving gal, 42, likes long walks on the beach, long Sunday afternoons at Linens 'n' Things, bridge . . . PLEASE KILL ME.
6. Denise Richards. Sexy two years ago, but now looks like she's been ridden hard and hung out wet.
15. Pilates. Yoga minus the kinky contortions. There are better ways to spend an hour on your back.
29. All-over tans. Frequently accompanied by a clean-shaved pubic region, a pot belly and a NASCAR visor. A deep-tanned penis looks like a dry-cured meat snack you bought at a gas station. Tan lines ó hot!
43. Blogging about your sex life. People who do this are under two delusions: a) that everyone wants to fuck them, and b) that their writing is interesting. Which is worse: sexual megalomania or an inability to edit? It's a dead heat. The online equivalent of that excruciatingly monotonous blowjob scene in every porn movie ever made.
What do you find unsexy? Add your metaphorical cold showers below!
Hahahahahah, I definitely agree with the all-over tan one. There are a few girls at my school who have obviously spent waaaaaay too much time at the tanning salon. They look like they're 40.
I wish I could read the rest of the list, but my school has a filter, and Nerve.com is blocked. Heeeeeeeelp!
Kate at September 23, 2003 6:22 AM
Censorship -- now THAT's perverted. What school do you attend? Nerve has valuable information about sexuality (along with snarky articles) that they're preventing you from reading. What if you have prostate issues and needed to look something up on their site? (If you're a girl who has prostate issues, you really have problems.)
(Amy Alkon) at September 23, 2003 7:07 AM
Two words: Christian College. (Gordon College in Wenham, MA, to be precise). They're just trying to prevent people from looking at porn, but I can't get to Nerve.com, or Fatso.com, among other sites that I think are probably worthwhile.
Kate at September 23, 2003 8:30 AM
I'll tell you what's unsexy in Nerve profiles: Women who say they want "a partner in crime." Brings to mind Chloe Sevigny in "The Last Days of Disco," playing the sheltered nice girl who proclaims that she lives "dangerously -- on the edge!"
Tip for the ladies -- every woman on Nerve says she wants a "partner in crime." What I take away from that is the following:
(a) You're unoriginal
(b) You actually want a genuine criminal, or...
(c) You're lying. Gotta love the ones that want a partner in crime, then say they don't want anyone who's ever been arrested.
LYT at September 23, 2003 11:59 AM
"Staight looking, straight acting."
For some reason, this is a pretty reliable indicator that the guy placing the personal ad is not terribly bright.
Lena Cuisina at September 23, 2003 12:35 PM
Hot fudge and whip cream in the bedroom. I like "licky licky" and I like "sticky sticky", but I prefer the woman to the all you can eat sundae bar.
bakiwop at September 23, 2003 2:42 PM
Men who refer to their girlfriends as "my lady."
People who address their significant others as "cutie."
Men who WANT to be addressed as "cutie."
Spouses who refer to each other as "my lover," like Tom Hanks did when accepting the Best Actor award for "Philadelphia."
Women who don't shave under their arms, thus sending the message: "Hi, if you've been wondering what my pubic hair looks like, wonder no more, because basically it looks like this."
Is it too horrible of me to admit I hate the word "lovemaking"?
Cathy Seipp at September 23, 2003 7:16 PM
"Lovemaking" -- I'm with you there. Eeeeuw!
(Amy Alkon) at September 24, 2003 3:27 AM
Back acne. I once dated a girl who had so much of it, I nicknamed her Braille Back.
It was a short relationship.
Jeff at September 24, 2003 2:38 PM
Braille back is almost as disgusting as "lovemaking."
Lena Cuisina at September 24, 2003 8:47 PM
Okay. One more.
MEN: Do NOT pluck or tweeze your eyebrows. Or if you do, make sure that we can't tell. There's nothing more unattractive than a man who is a drag queen from the nose up only.
Lena Cuisina at September 24, 2003 10:00 PM
A semi-plucked drag queen who engages in "lovemaking" despite a bad case of back acne?
(Amy Alkon) at September 24, 2003 11:21 PM
Unsexy...
1) Guys who have an obvious need for dental work. When you let something like that go, it sends a message loud and clear.
2)Nose and ear hair. I know what I said earlier about keeping in natural, but since I'm not going to be fondling the inside of anyone's nostrils, it's safe to shave it there. Can you think of anything more disgusting than getting a hair caught in your teeth, knowing it was from a guy's EAR?
3) Guys who don't flush the toilet after each use. I got rid of a roommate because of that. "Look, you evolutionary throwback, we're not starting a germ culture here, or forcing a diet upon the bacteria in the septic tank."
4) Guys who shave all over... "I feel pretty... Oh, so pretty... I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaay..."
5) Leather pants. I'd rather have just have to take your pants off you, not PEEL them! To say nothing of the fact that you'll be a permanent fixture if you ever sat on a leather sofa or car seat.
6) Guys who wear sneakers with street clothes. Sneakers are for the gym or to be worn with athletic wear. Show some class and invest in a pair of topsiders or comfortable shoes to be worn with your street clothes.
7) Obesity. I never bought into the "But I have a glandular condition" argument. It is not possible to gain more weight than you take in through the mouth. Obesity tells me that you haven't the self-respect to take care of yourself.
8)Exotic pets. Tarantulas, scorpions and snakes are NOT pets. Something truly creepy about the mentality that sees such things as companions, particularly something that would eat or kill you given the opportunity.
9) Anything plaid unless you're a Scotsman in a kilt. Plaid pants are for golfers, and plaid flannel shirts are for lesbians and Bruce Springsteen.
10) Polyester. Glossy stuff is for silk and rayon. That ugly synthetic stuff was out in the seventies.
Patrick at September 25, 2003 6:27 AM
It warms my hard to see the intolerance of people who read my blog. And I mean that.
(Amy Alkon) at September 25, 2003 6:51 AM
uh, heart. Apparently, I have a hard-on for people who don't like people.
(Amy Alkon) at September 25, 2003 6:52 AM
Topsiders -- yeah, those are cool.
It is possible to look just fine in a pair of Adidas, Puma, what have you. Certain makes are rather versatile. Mixing it up with some finer shoes is certainly a good idea. If you want me to invest in some "comfortable shoes" I'll just wear my Birkenstocks everywhere, with anything.
Burberry makes a lot of plaid, would that be ok?
Riboflavin at September 25, 2003 3:37 PM
I find it an incredible turn on when women tell me about their previous sex lives, yet this simultaneously begins within me a deep jealous rage that only grows over time. What should I do?
Luke Ford at September 26, 2003 1:02 PM
Luke --
Express your deep rage through your pelvis when you're with her. That way, she'll talk about her fabulous sex life with you in the future when she's with someone else.
Lena
Lena Cuisina at September 26, 2003 2:50 PM
Good advice, Lena! Actually, I think people should tell nothing about their previous sex lives, and I find those who do kiss (and then some) and tell extremely tacky.
(Amy Alkon) at September 26, 2003 6:00 PM
Kissing-and-telling is tedious. Shutting-up-and-fucking-me is much more interesting.
Lena Cuisina at September 26, 2003 6:42 PM
Luke, kidding aside, you've got some security issues operating. Jealously has nothing to do with the magnitude of feeling for the object of affection. It is entirely due to the insecurity of the afflicted.
While in this day and AIDS, wanting to know about previous sexual contacts is appropriate, the graphic details are not. Sounds to me like you're attracting the type that likes to make their boyfriends jealous. They, like you, operate under the misconception that jealousy is a sign of depth of feeling. It isn't. It's a sign of possessiveness. It's not desireable and it's potentially dangerous.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I just wanted to tell it like it is. Like Amy once told me, "Your friends can coddle you. I tell you the truth."
I wish you the best, Luke.
Patrick at September 27, 2003 2:34 PM
#38. Lead guitarists. What? Aww, man...fine, I'll switch to the accordian. Happy now, ladies? ;~)
joe g at September 28, 2003 3:12 PM
shaving keeps you looking neat, not petty or gay, well may be..., but I'm bi...!
jj at July 17, 2004 2:15 PM