Death Begunks Her
Despite the fact that there's zero evidence of the existence of either heaven or hell (although sitting on a plane for six hours in front of a caterwauling baby can make even the most rational human being believe they've been transported to the latter), people cling to the fairy tales religion feeds them about The Great Beyond. As a Bright (a person who doesn't believe in unproven mystical crap), I favor the empirical approach to life endings, stated rather succinctly by physicist Tom Morse:
"What happens to you when you die? You go from a highly organized state to a highly mushy one."
And no, because we don't have a "fer-sure fer sure" explanation for how it all began doesn't mean we can say, based on zero evidence, "Oh, god did it." By the way, for any homo haters out there who justify their hatred and discrimination against gays with a convenient couple of lines in The Bible; as a biblical literalist, if you've ever cheated on your spouse, does that mean we get to stone you?
Well, since no one else wants to touch this one with a ten-foot pole, I may as well start.
The Goddess writes: "By the way, for any homo haters out there who justify their hatred and discrimination against gays with a convenient couple of lines in The Bible; as a biblical literalist, if you've ever cheated on your spouse, does that mean we get to stone you?"
That, of course, is a reference to Leviticus 20:10. The story of Jesus saving the woman taken in the act of adultery is in John 8:1-11.
But why stop there, Amy? You could also also ask, if their son is a juvenile delinquent, when are they having the stoning of their self-indulgent brat? (Deuteronomy 21: 18-21)
If you're short on cash, you could always sell your daughter into slavery, right? (Exodus 21:7)
You might also want to ask if it's terribly expensive to send their wives and daughters (if pubescent or beyond) out of town for a week whenever they have their monthly cycle. (Leviticus 15:19)
There are others, of course, but these are some of my personal favorites.
Patrick at October 5, 2003 4:38 AM
You're a biblical scholar! Please, tell us the others.
Lena Cuisina at October 5, 2003 11:36 AM
The others??? Lena, if I didn't love you to death I simply wouldn't do this. This is a tall order! The commandments in the Bible ranging from the bizarre to the downright disturbing are numerous. The three I've listed have barely scratched the surface. But, since YOU asked...
Before I go into new stuff I just wanted to go into a little more detail regarding the weekly exile for having a period that I mentioned above. Not only was she to be put out of the settlement (with that degrading "unclean" label attached to her) anything she sat on or lay down on was also considered unclean and was to be destroyed or discarded. Anyone who touched her at all or anything she sat on or lay down on was ordered to bathe and was also considered "unclean" until the evening. If anyone were to actually have sex with her, he would be considered "unclean" and would also be set apart for 7 days.
If for some reason, her "issue of blood" ran beyond the 7 days, she stayed unclean until the "issue" stopped and she was unclean for 7 days more. (As a side note, if anyone here reads the Bible, you may recall Jesus healing a woman with an "issue of blood" that lasted for 12 years. Knowing the laws regarding such things, you kind of have to feel for her. Basically set apart from society, not allowed into the temple, etc. Took some gumption for her to approach him, especially through a crowd.)
And on top of this, once she was "clean," she had to give an animal sacrifice. (Don't ask what she was supposed to be thanking God for. I'm not sure I'd be too grateful.) This law applies to any instance of hemorraging, male or female, not just a woman's menses.
Now for the others...
Do you work on Sunday (Saturday if you're Jewish)? According to Exodus 35:2, you should be stoned for doing so. If your house gets cold, that's too damned bad, since the next verse clearly states that you can't even build a fire in your home.
The dietary laws of Leviticus 11 prohibit a lot of different things, not just pork or shellfish. Among four legged animals, there are two criteria to be met before they can be eaten: they must be a ruminant (chewing the cud) and have a cloven hoof. Moreover, according to Leviticus 11:8, you can't even touch the carcase. If you do, you wash and are unclean till the evening. This, of course, rules out the pig, which has a cloven hoof, but is not a ruminant. No ham, bacon or porkchops. And no playing football since footballs are made of pigskin. Incidentally, Leviticus 11:6 also tells us that the rabbit is a ruminant, which it isn't. That doesn't matter much, since it doesn't have a cloven hoof, it can't be eaten anyway.
Regarding seafood, the only things you can eat are those which have fins and scales. This, of course, rules out shellfish, which have neither, and the catfish, which has fins but no scales.
Couple of other things you can't eat: the turtle (so I hope no one likes terrapin or turtle soup) according to Leviticus 11:29, and the snail (no escargot), according to Leviticus 11:30.
The injunction in Exodus 23:19 regarding "seeth[ing] a kid in his mother's milk" is interpreted among Orthodox Jews as not mixing meat and dairy. Not even having the two things together in the same meal. If you like spaghetti and meatballs, no parmesan cheese, since that's combining meat and dairy. Lena, I say you, me and Amy go out for bacon cheeseburgers one day. That way we'll be eating pork and mixing meat and dairy. (They'll bury us face down so we can see where we're going!)
Amy, remember your column about the guy who wanted to sleep with his mother in law ("The Mother-in-Law of All Bombs")? I hope you advised him that according to Leviticus 20:14, he would be put to death by burning for taking a woman and her mother.
Leviticus 19:19 forbids wearing two different kinds of fabric (no cotton/poly blends, although I think polyester is a sin) and the planting of more than one type of seed in your garden.
Leviticus 19:27 forbids cutting the hair around the temples, or trimming the corners of your beard.
Leviticus 19:28 forbids tatoos.
Leviticus 22 gives a listing of animals appropriate for sacrifice.
You didn't ask for this, Lena, but I may as well add some other juicy tidbits. Numbers 12:3 describes Moses as the meekest man on the earth. Well, have a look at some of the deeds of this exceedingly "meek" person.
He ordered the deaths of 3000 of his own people by the hands of their own families for rejecting his religion. (Exodus 32: 27-28)
He also ordered the slaughter of the Midianites. The males were killed, and the women and children captured and gathered together. At Moses command, the adult women and male children were all slaughtered, but he ordered his men to keep the female children for themselves. (Numbers 31:1-18)
What a guy! Meekness like that would give Adolf Hitler a run for his money.
There are many more atrocities like these last two instances, but that's not really what you asked me for. If you want, I can list some more, though.
Patrick at October 5, 2003 6:27 PM
"I favor the empirical approach to life endings, stated rather succinctly by physicist Tom Morse:
What happens to you when you die? You go from a highly organized state to a highly mushy one."
And I favor the high-camp approach, as articulated by Fran Lebowitz:
"Life is one thing after another. Death is a caberet."
Lena Cuisina at October 5, 2003 11:55 PM
Once again, I'm in agreement with Lena, who worships St. Fran just like me.
(Amy Alkon) at October 6, 2003 12:13 AM
Chill out on those who believe. We're not all psychos. Some of us are happier to have someone to pray to, AND we don't hurt other people while we're doing it.
Robby D at October 7, 2003 4:40 AM
Wouldn't you be happier if you were rational, so you could put all that time you put into talking to a guy who doesn't exist into smelling the flowers or something?
Amy Alkon at October 8, 2003 8:47 PM
Hey Amy, don't knock it. Talking to a guy who doesn't exist can be fun. Actually, some of the best sex I get these days involves saying all sorts of stuff to a guy who doesn't exist.
Lena Cuisina at October 9, 2003 8:15 AM
Hey, Robby. Amy's cool with those of us who believe. She knows I believe and she's fine with it. I know she doesn't believe and I'm fine with that. People can disagree with me all they care to. It's fine. It doesn't make them bad. It only makes them wrong.
Patrick at October 9, 2003 7:33 PM
Isn't the Bible supposed to be the main reason that people believe in a (Christian)god? If not, what IS? As a non-believer (as opposed to an atheist) I wish i could believe in a god - wouldn't it be nice to think we all have a real purpose and that someone is looking out for us?
But the fact is that I can't believe in something for no good reason other than that i WANT to. I don't believe in Santa for that reason (even though at ten years old i REALLY wanted to). If there IS a good reason can someone let me know??? And don't give me that stuff about getting a 'feeling' that god is there. I won't hold my breath.
rowena at October 18, 2003 6:54 PM