Fatty, Fatty, Two-By-Four, Canít Fit Through The Taurus Door
An opinion piece in a British paper attributed SUV popularity in America, in part, to the fact that many Americans are "large" people, as in...BIG FAT, OVEREATING PIGS!!...who canít fit their enormous pantloads into a normal passenger car:
A recent study estimates that more than half of Americans are clinically obese. You can take a moral position on that finding, but I wouldn't recommend it sitting next to an average American in the back of an average European runabout.
After reading this piece, I came up with an idea for a new anti-SUV card. (I tuck insulting messages printed on business cards under the windshield wipers of USS Nimitz-sized new SUVs; the notion being, if you can afford to drive this, you can afford to drive something that doesnít endanger the rest of us, blah, blah, blah.) Here's the rough draft of my next card:
WIDE LOAD ALERT! Sorry that your ass is so fat you canít squeeze it into a normal car, but why not drag it to the gym so you donít have to smog up the planet for the rest of us?
Which do you prefer, that or my current anti-SUV card?
ROAD-HOGGING, GAS-GUZZLING, AIR-FOULING VULGARIAN! Clearly you have an extremely small penis, or you wouldn't drive such a monstrosity. For the adequately endowed, there are hybrids or electrics.
Or maybe youíd like to suggest one of your own. Please do.
P.S. Those of you who were in New York in the 1980s, and/or read Spy magazine, will note my appropriation of the fabulous word "vulgarian," which was frequently used to describe Donald Trump, to whom they referred as the "short-fingered vulgarian." I'm sure SUV drivers are notably short of finger as well, but you can only fit so many words on a two by three-inch card!
I like the fatass one, Amy. It covers the exceptions to the general rule, such as Ms. Smartass who doesn't have a small penis, but a "luscious vagina." And how does her husband/boyfriend find her luscious vagina to produce all those porcine children that she thinks only an SUV is capable of accomodating?
Does he just slap her on the thigh and ride in on the wave? Or is he just not particular, finding any old crack between the rolls of flesh and go to town on it? He could do one on the neck one night, crease behind the knee the next, fifth one on the left thigh the next... Hey, it's like having a different woman every night! He can marry once and have more wives than Solomon! Maybe chubby chasing has an appeal after all.
Patrick at October 1, 2003 4:58 AM
This new card is a fantastic idea. You'll be fighting air pollution and the lard-ass epidemic at the same time. After you mock and shame all the fatty SUV drivers, there'll be a huge increase in gym memberships. As a result, we'll all have more hot, sexy, in-shape guys to sleep with. Because our sexual needs will be better met by this finer stock of males, we'll be more productive, become wealthier, and help improve the global economy by shopping in Western Europe on a regular basis.
Who knew one little obnoxious business card could have such a positive impact?
Lena Cuisina at October 1, 2003 7:50 AM
"Does he just slap her on the thigh and ride in on the wave?"
oh my god, I almost lost my breakfast with that one. Pretty!
Lena Cuisina at October 1, 2003 7:52 AM
I'd make the "small penis" card an equal opportunity insulter because I can't count how many huge SUV's I've seen driven by women -- actually, mostly by women -- idling in the Gelson's parking lot, smogging up the air, while they chat on the cell phone (not hands-free, by the way).
Also, check out the student carpool/pickup line at any school. Again, women drivers. These are not their husband's cars; they're tooling around in the Porsche with their executive assistants for a nooner at the Peninsula Hotel ...
Maybe the little ladies just like to be on top -- er, up high. Save it for the bedroom, where it's appropriate for fat ass and the little penis.
David at October 1, 2003 8:39 AM
While I applaud your efforts to get fuel-Hoovers off the road, the truth is SUVs aren't just for big fat guys anymore. Out here in CANOGA HARBOR, I see just as many tiny Asian females, normal sized Latinas and tons of buffed-out Persian ladies rat-racing around Ventura Blvd in their V8 parade floats. So may I suggest a card that has less to do with FAT ASSES and SMALL DICKS. Something more universal might be appropriate. How about "DO YOU REALLY NEED A 240 HP, 5000 POUND VEHICLE TO PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING AND THAT ONE BAG OF GROCERIES YOU SELFISH ABUSER OF DINOSAUR MILKSHAKES? YOUR 18 FT. CUNARD LINER IS SHORTENING MY LIFE AND TURNING THIS TOWN INTO A WALL OF STEEL. JOIN US HERE ON THE SIDE OF COMMON SENSE AND DUMP THAT ZEPPELIN FOR SOMETHING REASONABLE."
Just a thought.
And hey, on the drug thing, I used to be on the other side of the issue. But after spending a long, long time researching the gang and MEXICAN MAFIA thing, I'm forming the opinion that de-criminalization would remove the profit motive from organized crime. Gangs would collapse like a sack of oatmeal. And homicide rates would drop faster than an SUV off a cliff.
Wally Fay at October 1, 2003 10:53 AM
Rightly are they called "the masses."
-Hitch, circa '97
Cridland at October 1, 2003 11:26 AM
Thanks, Lena. I thought you would enjoy that. I know what you mean about losing your breakfast over that. That's a visual we really didn't need, huh?
Amy, you could also include something about using that SUV to ride to the gym instead of the grocery store to pick up that bulk package of eclairs and the five-gallon drum of ice-cream.
Patrick at October 1, 2003 1:47 PM
Actually, I think they should drag their lard asses to the gym the very old-fashioned way...by using their fat feet! And Wally, I'm liking your card suggestion a lot, plus I agree with your remark about legalization leading to the collapse of gangs.
(Amy Alkon) at October 1, 2003 5:24 PM
how about "NoFatTrucks.com"? i'm building it now. mostly articles about SUVs and weight control..
Joe Pig at February 19, 2004 10:58 AM