I've Been Had -- What Fun!
I've been had by one of the best -- who happens to be Cathy Seipp's 14-year-old daughter and my good friend Cecile DuBois. Cecile wrote to me as Randy, the semi-employed garage-band boy who was supposedly being shoved into marriage after having (gasp!) premarital sex with a Mormon girl.

Now, I'm usually pretty good at catching the phony letters, and especially if there's any sort of extended e-mail exchange (and there was, in this case), but Cecile had me absolutely convinced. She was a little worried I'd be mad when I found out, but as a prankster, I love getting pranked -- especially when the prankster is successful. Here's Randy's true identity exposed, along with a bit of my initial answer, dashed off via e-mail to Cecile/"Randy":

Excuse me, it's the 21st century and you're worried about "supporting" a woman? What does she do? Why can't she support herself? Is she just going to be the baby machine and you're going to pay for her? That makes for a reallly fascinating woman. Right now, your hormones are all a-go-go -- but what about a year from now when she's a big fat housewife and you can't afford a can of beans for her -- and she can't get off her pregnant ass to help pay for one.

Here's what it became in my column:

My fiancee's parents are radical Mormons who say I must marry her immediately to end the disgrace I've brought on the family by having premarital sex with her. I don't feel ready for marriage, but the wedding date has been moved up (from not even set to three weeks away). I'm in a band, and I don't make much money, so I have no idea how I'll support my future wife. What should I do? --The Bad Guy

"Because her parents are fundamentalists" is a good reason to avoid inviting them to hear your favorite Satanic metal band, not to gallop to the altar with their daughter. Yes, it might be hard for them to read their family name under that big black mark they think you put on it, but in time, they'll manage. You're likely to lose your fiancee if you don't follow their orders, but in time, you'll manage. Probably much better than you would paying rent to her parents so you can live in wedded bliss in the doghouse behind their house -- the perfect place for you to be trained to respond to all their commands: "Roll over!...Fetch!...Play dead!" Of course, that last one shouldn't be necessary.