Ellen Goodman Cares About Your Breasts
Why is it okay to get your big, honking hook nose de-hooked, but wrong, wrong, wrong to get your small breasts upgraded to big ones? Because men might like you better if you get bigger boobs? Scandalous!
According to condescending femi-nannies like Goodman, and the misguided activist daddy she quotes in her column, if you want to surgically enlarge your boobs, you can only be a misguided idiot whoís been brainwashed by the media. The daddy, a guy named Joe Kelly, ìsuggested that this ëchoiceí might be a nonchoice, the result of the ëunchecked cultural pressureí of the ëtoxic beauty myth.íî (Not to worry! She and the daddy and several legions of mustachio-ed feminists will happily lend you their small minds so you can do what they think is right for you.)
Contrary to what feminist parrots like Goodman and company would have you believe, beauty is not some arbitrary standard issued by monthly mandate from Vogue editor Anna Wintourís office. Anthropologist Donald Symons said it best: ìBeauty is in the adaptations of the beholder.î We have very, very, very old psychology. Millions of years old. The features men adapted (are hard-wired) to find beautiful in women -- an hourglass figure, clear skin, youth, symmetrical features -- all indicate that a woman is likely to be a fertile and healthy childbearing candidate. Just because a particular modern woman might not be on the mommy track, or a particular guy isnít seeking a wife, doesnít mean she or he is any less affected by their inheirited evolutionary psychology.
Please, somebody get the message to the antique-thinkers who call themselves feminists. Even now that itís become scientifically clear that silicone breast implants donít harm womenís health, feminists, ever infantilizing women, remain shrilly dead-set against letting women make their own decisions whenever those decisions won't fall into lock-step with the feminist party line. Sure, there may be complications from boob jobs, just like there can be from nose jobs, or any kind of surgery, elective or non. Those risks should, obviously, be built into the cost of getting implants, and not be borne by the rest of us (such as yours truly, whose porn star-sized hooters were hereditary).
In reality (a place far, far away from the womenís studies department), any woman who tries to improve her looks to make herself more attractive to men -- is a woman who understands male biology! Men are visually oriented. Men like beautiful women. No, beauty isnít everything, but trust me, men at parties are not standing across the room muttering to each other, ìLook at the cranium on the chick in the red!î
In other words, if you want a man, you'll want to look like what men like. Is this anti-feminist? No, just smart! Maybe you won't want to go so far as to go under the knife (I certainly wonít). And sure, other stuff is essential, too -- (duh!) -- such as good character, values, and ethics, and being with somebody you love and find fun. But, by making yourself as beautiful as possible, by making whatever effort seems reasonable to you, youíll increase the pool of men you have to choose from, thus increasing your chances of landing a really good one.
The same (only a little different) goes for men. Since women are wired to go for men of status and power (and care less about men's looks, except for symmetry and tallness), guys on the unemployment line arenít likely to be catching the eye of chicks cruising by in their Ferraris. Lifeís tough, huh? Unfortunately for men, getting a huge wallet surgically implanted in one buttock probably won't do the trick.
So if a woman is surgically enhanced -- and one hopes she does it right so that there is no huge "giveaway" valley between her breasts, and theydon't stick out and never move like someone inserted half basketballs under her too taut skin (a favorite of porn stars) -- do you think men who discover, during first sex, that the boobs are fake, are somehow a bit disappointed? How quickly do they get over it? Of course, this can go for anything, including taking off the false eyelashes,
or the elevator shoes, pulling the banana out of one's pants, or discovering that the fat you loved in her luscious lips last night has, like a dog that's found it's way home after being lost for two weeks, has found its way back to her ass.
Do I care if a man or a woman enhance themselves to the tune of "I feel pretty, oh so pretty?" No. People can make their own bed as long as they are content to lie in it.
David at November 6, 2003 12:26 PM
Heterosexual men I know say that they don't care if the titties are real or fake, as long as they're ample.
Lena Cuisina at November 6, 2003 4:32 PM
I know a couple of guys who don't like the fake ones. One guy's take was "Anything more than a handful or a mouthful is a waste anyhow." But most guys just want more, more, more.
And why do the feminists care? We aren't telling them to get it done, so why should they tell us not to get it done if we want to? I still put on make-up and dress well--anything I can do to improve the product's packaging! I may not be willing to go under the knife, but it all amounts to the same thing anyhow--we're trying to make the best of what we have to offer.
Peggy C at November 6, 2003 5:12 PM
And any guy with half a brain knows that a little strategic clipping below the belt makes the offering look bigger and better. (I need all the help I can get.)
Lena Cuisina at November 6, 2003 6:16 PM
Until such time as the symptoms claimed can be shown to be more common in with implants than without I'm all in favor in leaving it up the women to choose for themselves.
I just wish there was less abuse of the possible uses. I've seen a fair number of women who had obvious implants but the proportions were well chosen and they looked good rather than freakish. But there are also the two extremes that verge on the grotesque. First is the woman who is already busty but sags badly. Rather than try to reduce to a well sculppted mass (worked very well for a cousin who was already uncomfortably large and pendulous in her teens) they instead go big as they possibly can. I understand there is money to be made in porn with breasts two or three the size of the woman's head but it's a sad thing to behold. All too often they look like a tumor ready to burst. I can only wonder at the men who find this attractive.
At the other end are those women with willowy figures who feel completely lacking. They get implants but since their tiny breasts were already high and firm they have excess skin to apply. The implants rigid ride directly on the rib cage without the slightest movement, again creating a tumorous appearance or perhaps that baseballs were placed behind the nipples. They are less freakish while dressed but still can be a bit of a shock when first seen unclad. Especially when the woman in question already quite attractive regardless of the minimal mammaries.
I may be too conservative. I still find tattoos and piercings repugnant but I know that medical advances are only going to add more choices to the world of self-modification. I've met some furverts who would happily add a row of doglike additional nipples to their torsos if that became available for a reasonable price.
Eric Pobirs at November 8, 2003 7:48 AM
Do you know a single young feminist? Your potshots at women with feminist leanings as man-hating, uncomfortable with their sexuality and covered in unwanted hair are as simplistic as they are ridiculous.
Kendra Drischler at June 10, 2004 12:10 AM
Equal pay for equal work? It's a wonderful thing, and I'm grateful to Elizabeth Cady Stanton and others who fought for it. The idea that women and men are the same is simply moronic, and is seen so by anybody who knows half an iota about science. Our brains are different -- in very important ways. Give a neurologist a man's brain scan and a woman's, and I guarantee you he or she will be exceptionally accurate in telling you who is John and who is Jane. A case in point, about why I dislike what feminism has become, is Bust Magazine. I once entertained thoughts of writing for them, but was informed that they do not pay. Disgusting. Do you think any man would work for free? Or any man would ask him to...if it's for a product being sold? The answer is, raise money to pay people properly.
Amy Alkon at June 10, 2004 1:20 AM