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The hundred funniest jokes of all time, compiled for GQ. Some of them actually are quite funny:

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

An Irish friend of mine (from Dublin) told me a true confession-related story: He went to confession and said he had been thinking "impure thoughts" (good for him!) about this girl and that girl. The priest gave him a bunch of hail whatevers to say. He said them, and left, but started thinking more "impure thoughts" about different girls on the way home, so he went back and confessed again. And so on, and so on...until the priest yelled at him, "What are you doing?! Go home and stay home!"

Posted by aalkon at January 28, 2004 8:59 AM

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"Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says 'Im lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'"

Reminds me of a variation I heard. A bus carrying about 45 passengers, all uglier than homemade sin, crashes and everyone dies.

At the Pearly Gates, they meet St. Peter, who is all sympathy for their sudden deaths. "I'll tell you what. Before you enter into Heaven, I'll grant each and every one of you one wish, and then you can enjoy paradise."

The first one, a man, says, "All my life, I have been ugly. I wish to be beautiful."

Least I should be found in violation of the rules of this forum, Amy, please advise me when I have reached my stupid joke allotment for the day... (Or perhaps in my case, the decade.)
"Granted," replies St. Peter. And all at once, the man's abhorrent face is instantly transformed with perfect bone structure, a beautiful complexion, eyes that would melt the iciest heart, and he is given a physique such as any male model would have envied. Jubilant, he enters paradise, rejoicing in his newfound comeliness.

But, from the end of the line, laughter is heard.

The second person, a woman, says, "Like the first man, I've been ugly all my life. I wish now only to be beautiful."

Then St. Peter replies, "Granted."

At once, the woman is given a curvaceous figure, wavy blonde hair, shining, baby blue eyes, and a flawless creamy complexion. Rejoicing, she enters paradise.

The process is repeated again and again, each person wishing to be beautiful, and each entering paradise with beautiful bodies and faces, such as the world has never seen.

But, that strange laughter from the end of the line is still being heard...

Finally, the last man steps up to St. Peter, still laughing.

And St. Peter asks him, "And what is your wish, my son?"

The man replies, "Make 'em all ugly again!"

Seriously, I didn't think the jokes were all that. But my favorite jokes aren't quite so politically correct, I'm afraid.

For instance, do you know how the drag queen got lipstick on the steering wheel? She tried to blow the horn!

Okay, not so good.

But there were these two guys in the woods. One of then looks down and says to the other, "Uh-oh. We better be very careful. These are bear tracks. There could be a bear nearby."

The second one looks down and says, "These are only deer tracks. We're in no danger."

The first one gives him a pitying look and says, "Please. I know bear tracks when I see them. And these are bear tracks."

The second one says, "I'm telling you they're deer tracks."

"Bear tracks!"

"Deer tracks!"

... They were still arguing about it when they were hit by the train.

Do you like blonde jokes? I could tell you what blondes say when they find out they're pregnant: "I wonder if it's mine..."

Speaking of blonde jokes, these three women were in a maternity clinic, discussing they're soon-to-be bundles of joy.

The first one, a brunette says, "I know I'm going to have a little girl, because I was on top."

The second one, a redhead says, "I know I'm going to have a little boy, because he was on top."

The third one, a blonde, thinks for a moment, and says brightly, "I'm going to have puppies!"

Posted by: Patrick at January 29, 2004 8:02 AM

I used to go to confession as a kid, and I always went in with the same garden-variety sin: "I lied to my parents." Then one day, for variety, I decided to confess that I smoked a cigarette. The priest's tone of voice got very serious. I got a major homework assignment of prayers for that one.

Posted by: Lena at January 29, 2004 11:12 AM