"Amy Is Annoyed" Week Continues
Here's the piece I wrote for my friend Hillary Johnson, who edits the Ventura County Reporter, on irritating people shouting into their cell phones in public:
Thanks, but I'll pass on breaking stories of your raging yeast infection, your cat's irritable bowel syndrome, and live updates on your current location: "I'm walking down Third Street. I'm still walking down Third Street. Yep, still on Third Street."
Everywhere I go, someone on a cell phone is shouting something breathtakingly dull or unpleasant or both. I used to frequent this serene cafe, where you'd just barely hear the murmur of conversation under the classical music. I still go there, only it's no longer serene, because I'm usually sandwiched between two people having dueling high-decibel cell phone conversations. It's for them I'm having this card printed:
Just because you have a self doesn't mean you should express it. Apparently, you are under the impression that the world will be a better place once you broadcast the news that you've changed laxatives or forgotten to floss. Perhaps you call this "freedom of speech." I call it "bad breeding." Kindly save your loud, dull conversations for the privacy of your home. Thank you! --AmyAlkon@aol.com
A few restaurants and coffee bars responded to the cellular din by putting up "no cell phones" signs. Can't people mind their manners without printed instruction? Most people in public places do manage "no nose-picking," "no toenail clipping," and "please don't urinate on the foyer rug." With cellular rudeness, it has to be intentional disregard. I mean, come on: Unless they've got one hand on their Leader Dog and the other on their cell, they can see all those other people around -- people who would surely prefer to have their thoughts go unpierced by the shrill and uninteresting.
My personal favorites are the ones who are in the grocery store and have to call home at every department, give their family the low-down on what's available and decide on what's for dinner. How on earth did these people grocery shop before the advent of cell phones? Amazing.
I hope these play by players don't stop in the restroom on the way.
"Okay, now I'm dropping my pants. Okay, now I'm sitting on the toilet. Ugh... Okay, I'm about to drop one. Hear it?"
Patrick at August 5, 2004 11:21 AM
What about the obnoxious bizarros who commit their telephonic exhibitionist acts while wearing those nearly invisible headsets? They should have your cards tossed at them and be reprimanded for slandering schizophrenics as well!
Doug at August 5, 2004 7:56 PM
I hate the headsets too, especially when homos wear them. Someone is trying way too hard to be in Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour.
Lena at August 5, 2004 9:49 PM
Lena: hee hee.
Amy: I loved your creative way of dealing to "Carol." Well done. I'm sorry, however, that you're regularly exposed to such trying behaviour.
M at August 5, 2004 10:25 PM
Amy-- Slightly off-topic, but which Aimee Mann album were you listening to? I just had the "Magnolia" soundtrack on this morning.
Chris at August 6, 2004 6:29 AM
Actualy, because I'm on a Mac, I was listening to a whole bunch of her stuff, thanks to iTunes' "shuffle" and playlists features.
Amy Alkon at August 6, 2004 6:42 AM
Come to my shul for morning prayers. Every five seconds a cell phone is beeping and men who are supposed to be speaking to God are going on like a bunch of yentas from the old country: "Yes, yes, Ruchie, I won't forget to pick up the brisket." "I don't have time to get the car washed, you do it." "He said that about me at the board meeting? I'll crush the little pisher."
And I'm not even taking into account the doctors and their emergencies. Which, at least, are sort of exciting.
Robert at August 6, 2004 9:26 AM
I may betray my goy-ish ignorance here, but isn't there someone in charge of the morning prayers who can tell everyone to shut the phones off?
Sister Lena of the Most Holy Assumption at August 6, 2004 1:08 PM