I do make exceptions for emergencies. Gotta tell the babysitter that Johnny isn't allowed to smoke crack before dinner, or warn the fire department that something's burning? Well, I'm a big girl -- I'll deal. In all other cases, here are my personal guidelines for cell phoning etiquette:

1. Calls are fine as long as one is talking at a decibel level just this side of a whisper.
2. Otherwise, one shouldn't use a cell phone anywhere one wouldn't feel perfectly comfortable passing a big cloud of gas.

One day, I was in a coffee bar where just about every table was occupied by somebody reading, writing, or talking quietly. A woman -- she looked like a young grandmother -- burst into the place with a swarm of (you guessed it -- loud) children. They all ended up at a small table across the coffee bar from me. I was wearing headphones with Aimee Mann up full blast as I wrote -- no impediment whatsoever to my hearing every word Granny shouted into her phone. She made five calls -- each the same as the last -- giving detailed directions to a birthday party at her house, as well as the time, and her home phone number. At the call number four mark, customers started spilling out of the place, glaring at her as they left. I was too far behind in my writing to leave or even to get up and say something to her (as I often do, as a small-time vigilante), but I scribbled her number down and called her when I got home:

"Carol, Carol, Carol...the microphone on a cell phone is actually quite sensitive. There's no need to yell. You look like a nice woman. You probably didn't realize that your repeated shouting into your cell phone drove a number of people out of the coffee bar today. Beyond that, you might consider that I'm just one of about 20 people who know that you live at "555 Ferngrove" Street, a half-block off Sunset, three houses from the end on the right side, and that you're having a bunch of six-year-olds over at 3 p.m. on Saturday. Now, I'm just a newspaper columnist, not a pedophile, but it's kind of an unnecessary security risk you're taking, huh? Just a little something to think about the next time you're shouting on your cell phone in a coffee bar. Bye!"

It's time for more people to speak up to those who force their dull lives on the rest of us. But how? Do you get right in the cellular narcissist's face and shout disparaging remarks into your own cell phone about those who lack consideration for others' right to peace, quiet, and ignorance of the icky medical issues of strangers? That seems rather hypocritical. Plus, there's that wise notion that a whisper makes a much bigger impact on an audience than a shout -- which leads me to a socially unacceptable but extremely tempting solution: Back up really close to the offender and set a strong but silent example -- the kind eighth graders refer to as "silent but deadly." Although your "You have some nerve!" gas probably won't physically incapacitate them, showing these screaming bores the stinking error of their ways should at least make them tremble a little before dialing in the future.

For anyone who isn't the flatulent sort -- you have my permission to print up my anti-cell phone card, complete with my email address, and dispense it to any high-volume banal person on a cell phone way too near you.

(c)2003, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Reprint rights available. Contact adviceamy@aol.com