La Spano Dimwits It Again
Parlez-vous "feeble-minded twit"? Susan Spano, the LA Times Travel section's fountain of wit, searing prose, and insight, now "blogging" from Paris, lost her keys the other day. Stuff like this happens -- to anyone. But, Spano, being a "faint auntie" type (not my first choice if I'm hiring a travel writer, but what do I know?) responds like so:

There's a marvelous little tea shop near me, Les Nuits du Tea, where I go so often they've gotten to know me. So I used their phone to call the two people who have copies of my key. Neither was there. Then the owner of the shop suggested calling a locksmith.

Big mistake. I should have gone to a movie and tried to reach the key-holders afterward.

When the locksmith arrived, he said it would be necessary to drill a hole to get in and then replace the lock, a Picard, one of the most secure you can buy in France. I knew it would be expensive, but I never dreamed what it would cost. The locksmith drilled the hole before telling me the price of the lock replacement, so I was stuck. The tab: 1,000 euros, about $1,200. The locksmith said my landlord could get the money back from homeowner's insurance, which is obligatory in France. I'm doubtful. And then the locksmith said he didn't take credit cards, so we had to go to a cash machine. I felt those 1,000 Euros draining out of my account like blood from a vein.

It's only money, I tell myself. And frankly, I'm getting taken simply by living here, because of the weak dollar-euro exchange rate. But what a way to go.

The way of a woman who, at best, belongs in a kitchen in the Valley poring over the Hamburger Helper directions, not in Paris all by herself -- much as I will admit to enjoying the occasional laugh at her dull and error-ridden dispatches. (I've been meaning to post one about her July 28th entry...soon, soon.) Somebody do this lady a favor and put her on a plane back to the States immediately, where she won't have to force down all that troublingly sublime French food in lieu of the cheeseburgers she so craves.

Getting back to the nut of this deal: Somebody tells you it's $1200 cash to replace the lock, and you totter to the bank machine and fork it over? You don't think to ask first? You don't think to wait? You don't think to tell the person "I'm not sure about this charge, and let's go down to this cafÈ where I know people because I want a second opinion?" And even wilder, you have just spent, what, four months in France, and you are merely "doubtful" when the guy tells you the landlord is going to put in for a claim to his insurance company and give you back your money? I am in tears laughing.

And I'm telling you, anybody who's ever seen a Picard lock on a French door (hers is probably the super-secure one you have to turn a few times to open) knows it screams "WAIT!" (if you can). Especially when you have not one, but two people who have keys...albeit, not immediately at your beck and call.

Please.

I am not cheap, but I didn't make an extra key to the Paris apartment for my boyfriend last month because it was 20 eu, and we figured we'd mostly be together (I spent July there, but he only came for ten days). Forgive my ever-present vulgarity, but if I'm going to bend over and shit money, Spano-style, I'm getting designer clothes out of the deal!

P.S. Susan, I realize you work for the LA Times and aren't held to the same standards of accuracy as those of us who toil independently in our living rooms, but I would guess that tea place you're talking about is "Les Nuits des ThÈs."