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Early Onset Asshole


Posted by aalkon at October 23, 2004 8:16 AM


Sigh...check your PayPal account. I've sent you enough money to buy some batteries for your vibrator. Do us all a favor and use it.

Posted by: david at October 23, 2004 8:02 AM

No, you haven't. If you're going to make fun of me, at least don't be a chiseler. My vibrator takes 4,000 dry cell batteries. I believe they're about $7.99 each. I'll be eagerly awaiting your donation. PS For anyone who is wondering, that's NOT David Rensin above, who posts under his real e-mail address, and doesn't make weenie anonymous attacks.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at October 23, 2004 9:35 AM

I clicked over today from Dave Copeland's. I saw this and laughed so hard I spewed coffee. Thanks for the chuckle.

Posted by: //j at October 23, 2004 10:33 AM

Now, Amy, don't be too harsh... In fact the Hummer is a vehicle aimed at the 6-year old boy mentality. When a boy is 6 years old he has an excuse...

Posted by: The Prop at October 23, 2004 12:15 PM

Hmm...good point. On the other hand, the parents of the 6-year-old should be charged with future crimes against humanity.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at October 23, 2004 12:43 PM

Hummers proliferate in Silicon Valley, home of refugees from every US war overseas. The hummers are bought/owned by CEOs who hire these refugees to work at electronic assembly plants and pay them minimum wage, without benefits. So more wars, more refugees, more labor to hire at minimum wage; more money for hummers; more need for gas and oil; more wars... Neat foreign policy cycle.

Posted by: jazmine at October 23, 2004 12:54 PM

Can anything be done to quash this 'SUVs=War in Iraq' meme? Now would be a really good time.

Western policy towards the Middle East (and the rest of the oil-producing world) has been an exploitative shitbath for almost a hundred years.

Meanwhile, 21st century life in the west gives us a rich palette of tools for fulfillment, most of which despoil Earth by squandering irreplaceable resources for momentary comfort. I prefer crafted archtop guitars, superfast computers, and scuba travel. You prefer sequined gowns, moderately fast computers, and cheap trips to Paris. We both dislike SUVs. Others, really old and sick people, like to despoil the environment by living in modern hospitals, which William L. Rathje described in "Rubbish! :the Archaeology of Garbage" as "volcanoes of unrecoverable waste."

BFD! These preferences don't deserve to be encoded into harsh policy, nor even to survive as as snotty comments to people who like big cars.

Shouldn't we be grateful to Bush for demanding that one (singular but pivotal) oil-producing nation conduct its affairs in a manner aligned with our own values of egalitarian opportunity?

This comment contains 4.9 letters per word. Sorry about that, it only happens after sake for lunch.

Posted by: Cridland at October 23, 2004 3:47 PM

A few points:
1. I don't give a damn if Hummers get 50 miles per gallon; they're butt ugly and intimidating, and say a LOT about our piggish society (high-mileage Honda advice goddesses and the like excepted, of course).

2. Has anyone ever seen any SUV actually go off-road? No, TV commercials don't count. Let's get real: SUVs are NOTHING more than oversized, boxy, intimidating cars for narrow-minded pinheads.

3. About the kid in the toy Hummer: At least we can be certain he has one thing in common with men attracted to such things: a tiny penis. Maybe he'll "grow" out of it--but I doubt it....


Posted by: Lawaneke at October 23, 2004 4:09 PM


Posted by: Jim Treacher at October 24, 2004 12:35 AM

sequined gowns vs. suvs
gee never thought of that
can't complain now, nope.
go kill a thousand more...

Posted by: jackie at October 24, 2004 4:48 AM

> Shouldn't we be grateful to Bush for demanding
> that one (singular but pivotal) oil-producing
> nation conduct its affairs in a manner aligned
> with our own values of egalitarian opportunity?

Very neat definition of Imperialism. Thanks.

Posted by: Stu "L'Anglais" Harris at October 24, 2004 9:18 AM

> Very neat definition of Imperialism. Thanks.

Yes, that's it, you've caught me! It's "Imperialism." Now, 99% of Americans couldn't find the Iraq on a brightly-colored globe. We don't know the names of those nations, let alone give a flying fuck where they are. But here we are, ready to spend thousands of lives and billions of dollars just to dominate them for the arrogant thrill of it.

Seriously, where does this inane presumption come from? People have been saying it far too often lately. Armed with the certainty that human nature is not to be trusted, here are some guesses.

THEORY #1: It's like the cold war. People have seen too many movies about double agents. So they have fantasies where if their own lives of freedom don't work out in a suitably rewarding manner, they can switch teams and be hailed in a new homeland as an avatar of even-handedness and trans-cultural insight.

THEORY #2: Voters are willfully ignorant of the western perfidy in these nations in recent decades, particularly about American support of crime families and despots in the middle and late 20th centuries. They maintain infantile faith in their own virginal innocence, as if they'd NOT benefited from this corruption their whole lives. They get to pretend all the evil is OUT THERE instead of tightly woven into their own daily conduct.

THEORY #3: It's part of the whole Rousseau "born free but everywhere in chains" thing. This is probably part of theory #1 . People see that despite the tremendous wealth, comfort and freedom of their own society, life is still a swirling, sucking eddy of despair. Rather than admit that this is so nearly as good as it gets and recognize the personal nature of their own insufficiency, they maintain the fantasy that some bearded, mystical goof in the desert might have another plan that will make life joyous and fulfilling... Despite the beheadings and intolerance and illiteracy and authoritarianism and all the rest. And the mass murder. And the etc....

Is there any claim we can make to oil without paying a market price for it? Because implicit in the slur of 'imperialism' is the idea that these people could have their petrochemical assets removed by another, more ethical arrangement than capitalism. Funny how these war critics never actually articulate how that might work.

Posted by: Cridland at October 24, 2004 2:15 PM

step 1: stop using so much oil...

Posted by: jackie at October 24, 2004 3:11 PM

You first... Unless I get to choose how.

Posted by: Cridland at October 24, 2004 4:23 PM

Well, how about using canola oil? I'm not technically clever enough to deal with a biodiesel car, but they don't pollute and they smell like French fries. I did do the next best thing -- bought an Insight. Have to blog about it soon. Been meaning to.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at October 24, 2004 4:30 PM


Posted by: Cridland at October 24, 2004 10:18 PM

canola oil is cholesterol free mister.
americans have some compulsive buying, eating, driving-two-blocks-to-deliver-a-letter complex that baffles me. i just don't consume more than i really want to; probably won't change much but its something.

Posted by: jackie at October 25, 2004 6:21 PM

"Has anyone ever seen any SUV actually go off-road?"

We live in a part of LA (Los Feliz, Los Feliz, Los Feliz) where the local organized crime types ALL fucking drive Hummers (usually the new fake ones and not the super-wide originals - Hummers I mean).

Since these guys all piss me off (especially because they never seem to have license plates, drive ultra-dangerously and are like, creepy in the extreme) I've come to despise Hummers even more than for just environmental reasons. So when I see one I feel instantly venomous.

Saturday, while searching for a parking spot near my kid's school (Halloween festival), I saw a wide original - Hummer, that is - parked on a narrow side street, hogging up a great deal of space and the usual hate-filled internal dialogue started up when I suddenly noticed its sides were heavily spattered with mud.

IT HAD BEEN OFF-ROAD! I was momentarily taken aback.

Then I realized - off-roading in a Hummer couldn't be very good for the environment - here's the nice environment with birds and such - let's see, what does it make we want to do? DRIVE A GIANT WAR MACHINE ALL OVER IT!

Posted by: Curtis at October 25, 2004 8:06 PM

Good point, Curtis. I remember when people used to complain that mountain bikes were ruining trails. Yes, move to California so you can be close to nature, then buy a Hummer and flatten it. Luckily, I think most Hummer drivers merely go up on the curb on Rodeo Drive from time to time.

I love when I'm approaching some buttwad in some oversized SUV on a narrow street near me, and they think I am going to pull over just because I'm driving a tiny little Insight. Wrong. You bought the fatass vehicle, you step aside. Well, unless you look like you're toting a gun. In that my guest...sir!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at October 25, 2004 9:38 PM

Everyone that I have ever seen driving a Hummer here in Dallas is an asshole frat-boy-jock type, and their H2 has a "W" sticker on it, or a soccer-mom bitch with gigantic fake-blond hair helmet...(and usually fake tits too), also with requisite "W" sticker. Plus about 90% of them have some kind of "Christian" shit sticker on it too! I actually saw one with a "W" sticker, a "In Case of Rapture, this vehicle will be unoccupied" sticker, AND a "Give War A Chance" sticker.... NO SHIT! So in that spirit, I "declared war" on that Hummer... ouch on the H2. None of these Repuglican, homophobic choads in H2s seems to realize that "Hummer" is slang for a gay sex-act either!

Posted by: Thorrific at January 4, 2005 5:45 PM