Hugs And Juggs
For all those out there who are up nights wondering if I'm a real redhead, I should soon be moonlighting as a stripper, in the airport nearest me.
Lucy, the sock thief, picks up the slack after an in-home strip session.
There was yet another article about TSA pat-downs in today's New York Times, by Joe Sharkey, complete with tales of passengers (mainly female) enduring boob and genital feelie sessions by security workers:
A provision in the new rules - which says that a screener's "visual observation" of a passenger is enough to order a secondary screening - seems to single out women, something that many women searched attribute to a belief that bras are good places to conceal nonmetallic explosives.The provision states, "T.S.A. policy is that screeners are to use the back of the hand when screening sensitive body areas, which include the breasts (females only), genitals and buttocks."
At the Fort Lauderdale airport on Nov. 5, Ms. (Patti) LuPone says she removed her shirt after vehemently protesting, revealing the thin, see-through camisole that she was wearing. Next, she was given a pat-down by a screener who, she said, "was all over me with her hands," including touching her groin area and breasts.
Ms. LuPone said she demanded an explanation. "We don't want another Russia to happen," she said one of the screeners told her.
Nancy Davis Kho, a financial data developer from Oakland, Calif., said, "They're totally overlooking the need to preserve a person's dignity." Ms. Kho said she was mortified at La Guardia Airport in New York on Sept. 28, when a female screener patted her down, "running her hands under bra straps and just about everywhere else," while other passengers gawked.
Lu Chekowsky, an advertising executive from Portland, Ore., said her cosmetics case set off the alarm at the airport there a couple of months ago. Since then, she says, she has been patted down so many times that she has taken to wearing baggy trousers, flip-flops and a big sweatshirt to make the procedure less onerous.
"Routinely, my breasts are being cupped, my behind is being felt," Ms. Chekowsky said. "And I feel I can't fight it. If I were to say anything, I picture myself being shipped off to Guantánamo."
Male screeners can do the pat-downs when female screeners are not available, but female passengers have the option of waiting until a woman can be found.
Ms. Maurer, the executive from Washington, reluctantly agreed to a search by a male security officer when a woman was not available. After he gave her a full body pat-down, she said, "he lifted my shirt and looked down the back of my pants.''
"I said, 'I am really uncomfortable having you feel me up,' but I basically had no choice. It was either that or miss my flight."
Well, I'm glad I'm a runner, because I will lickety-split strip right down to my bra and thong -- or less -- before I let some TSA worker start groping me. Moreover, if I'm feeling huffy enough about it (because this wouldn't be happening if nobody believed in god), I will not wait until I get behind some curtain to do it. In fact, I might just make people in line wonder what happened to the flashing strobe lights and the greased-up pole. Just stuff your 20-dollar bills in my thong, people!...just as soon as I can yank it out of the TSA guy's teeth and get it back on.
That's the thing about Russia, everybody grabbing your boobs all the time.
P.S. If this post was supposed to make me LESS happy to live in a totalitarian police state, that last paragraph blew it. Er, ruined it.
P.P.S. Glad you got everything fixed, knock on wood.
Jim Treacher at November 23, 2004 2:35 PM
A greased-up pole sounds good to me.
Lena, aspiring stripper at November 23, 2004 5:33 PM
Don't you mean a greased-up Pole?
Amy Alkon at November 23, 2004 9:32 PM
A Pole with a greased-up pole.
Lena, pole-less at November 24, 2004 2:17 AM