More Of What Passes For Parenting
Another nitwit e-mails me. Most distressingly, she's a parent. Here's her e-mail, word-for-word, except for her daughter's name, which I've removed:
Dear Amy, My daughter (Name Withheld) e-mail you and another columnist in regard to interviewing a columnist for a project assignment for high school. If (Name Withheld) affended you by not putting your e-mail address or name we are sorry. But, the thing you wrote her was uncall for. She is a very good student and was asking for a interview. She did not ask you to do her homework all she was asking for was a little of your time and help in knowing some things that columinst like about there jobs and how you got started. It was a shame the way you responded back to her it should not matter whether she e-mail you or someone else. You are suppose to be professional in handleing your business. What she was asking should have been a honor for you. To hear that she or people are interested in you field of work. And, they wanted to know more aobut it. How can you give advice and not want to give advice to someone who is interested in you professional field of work. My daughter likes to write and she writes very well for a student who just started high school. Also, it should not have matter whether and like the next columist or not she did not need to know that.
Here's my reply. (I love using "Madam," which is a most Gore Vidal-ean way of calling somebody "asshole.")
Madam, I find it weird that you speak for your daughter instead of having her write and speak for herself, which would encourage her to learn to reason and fight her own battles (not that this actually is a battle; not to me, anyway).Regarding your ill-written complaint above, your daughter wrote me and I wrote her back, quite politely declining to participate. Immediately afterward, I noticed that she had not taken the time to write me directly; she'd merely forwarded me an email she'd written to another columnist, and I wrote her again, criticizing her for an apparent lack of thought and/or laziness.
Recently, I helped another girl on her class project (despite my policy of limiting myself to answering requests for advice) because she wrote me an exceptionally intelligent and polite letter, complete with salutation ("Dear Amy"). What you should have communicated to your daughter is not what an awful human being I am, but that writing politely and well increases one's chances of impressing a busy person into replying.
I suggest that the problem is not with me, but with you -- in the way you've raised your daughter, since it appears she is incapable of taking criticism (criticism which seems entirely valid to me), and must bring in mommy to do her writing and thinking for her. I was willing to put in my time for the other girl, again, despite my policy, because I saw effort and smarts in her, from the way she wrote. I saw none of that in your daughter; simply what I perceived to be laziness and a sense of entitlement.
I think so many kids in this country are terribly raised, by parents whose greatest concern seems to be being liked by their kids, and it makes me grateful for the way my parents raised me. (I describe them, fondly, as "loving fascists.")
I'll copy in the initial exchange below. Looking again at her initial letter, I see that it's sloppily written, missing a word, and with "i" instead of "I." Not surprisingly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your email to me indicates a poor command of English (understandable if it's your second language), laziness with grammar, spelling, and syntax, as well as "poor me" thinking, about what an "honor" it should be for me to communicate with your daughter after she put very little effort into her email to me.
It was an honor and a pleasure to communicate with the other girl. Getting this e-mail from you now just makes me depressed. Poor girl, your daughter, that she doesn't have parents like mine -- a major reason I'm now a newspaper columnist, not a McDonald's counter person. I'm going to call my parents right now and thank them for not being indulgent jerks. --Amy Alkon
Here's your daughter's original email, which I noticed, too late, that she'd written to another advice columnist (naturally, one whose mind I do not respect) and forwarded to me:
Hello,My name is (Name Withheld). I'm doing a report on the career of advice columnist and i was wondering if you have the time to maybe answer some questions that i have about the career and yourself. I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't mind taking the time to help me out. I would also appreciate it if you could get back to me as soon as possible. Thank You
Name Withheld
Here's my initial reply:
Sorry, but I answer letters for free, and that's my priority; don't have time, unfortunately, to help with homework. Best, -Amy
Good reply to the mommyhead, Amy.
Now I'm going to write to thank my sister for also being a hard-assed "loving fascist" with 2 very intelligent, civil, and well-adjusted children. (Oh, yeah, -- and unlike a lot of kids in the U.S. these days, my niece and nephew are also not shaped like a couple of slovenly cows.)
Lena at April 17, 2005 1:14 PM
I've been known to make the occasional typo and/or grammatical error due to proofreading posts too hurriedly, etc., but this is beyond the pale. I do infer from her missive that English is most probably her second language, which excuses it to some extent. All the same, what she is not acknowledging is that it is poor form indeed to write and ask for a favor from someone and not give them the option to refuse; that most likely is where the 'sense of entitlement' you referred to comes in, eh?
Goddyss at April 18, 2005 9:56 AM
Strangely enough, the daughter actually wrote better than the mother. The language was a little shoddy, but she is just entering high school. She lowercased "I" and captilized "you." But then again, Amy is a Goddess, after all, and it is considered proper English to capitalize pronouns that refer to the Deity.
So, Amy, how do You feel about this?
Patrick at April 22, 2005 5:50 AM
Hi, I"m an 11 year old girl who is in love with her ex boyfriend, What should I do? * He already has a girlfriend. He broke up with me about 6 months ago and im so depressed. Help Me!!!!
Dana Hercula at May 9, 2005 3:59 PM
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