Reality Baste
The lady had a wise granny -- one who didn't promote the lie of "fat acceptance":
In 1978, I was 10 years old and visiting my grandmother in Florida for the summer. Nothing made me happier. We shopped at the Bal Harbour mall, swam in the condo pool, saw a movie every week. Each morning, she smothered me with kisses. And each afternoon, we'd weigh ourselves. ''Girls have to be thin and beautiful,'' Grandma said, always linking the two adjectives together.I wasn't fat -- I was a muscular gymnast -- but food was certainly a passion, and my grandmother worried that one day I'd ''blow up like an elephant.'' This was the worst fate possible. It didn't matter that Grandma was a college graduate, a teacher of ''intellectually gifted'' students, a single mother when few women were and utterly devoted to her family. My mother and her brother adored her, and so did I. For her, beauty was paramount -- and fat was decidedly not beautiful. But I didn't worry. I would never get fat.
Then puberty hit, and I gained 20 pounds in less than a year. I hadn't seen my grandmother in almost as long when she came to visit us in Boston. As usual, she looked wonderful, her nails newly manicured, her clothes freshly pressed. She kissed me hesitantly, her hands kneading the strange new flesh on my shoulders and back. She could barely look my way. Later, I overheard her telling my mother that I'd become ''tremendous.'' At dinner, I reached for a second slice of bread, and my grandmother slapped my hand away. ''You don't need another,'' she said. ''How can you let yourself go like this? You've got such a gorgeous face -- don't you want boys to like you?''
Then came a warning: ''You need to lose 10 pounds or else you can't come to Florida this year.''
''But why?'' I asked. ''Who cares what I weigh?''
''Because the world judges on first appearances,'' Grandma snapped.
And that's simply the truth, like it or not.
Yes, but it judges on other things too, and even on appearances there are many perspectives. It's not worth psychologically wounding your granddaughters over. They'll figure it out eventually... If only in their mid-40s', like most women.
Crid at June 19, 2005 7:52 AM
Question to the women out there: do you think this is becoming more and more true for men as well?
eric at June 19, 2005 8:00 AM
No -- men are still judged as they've always been judged, by status and power. According to data, probably collected by David Buss, what women care most about is tallness and facial and bodily symmetry. (Symmetry would have indicated a lack of parasites and disease to our ancestors in the era thousands of years ago when we adapted to the psychology we have today.)
Amy Alkon at June 19, 2005 8:07 AM
And beauty is tremendously important -- to getting the best possible partner in a relationship, and in the work world, and many other spheres. It is actually NOT subjective. Again, what data shows men prefer -- hourglass figure on an average woman, symmetry, etc...is culturally invariant -- ie, studies show that it crosses many cultures.
Amy Alkon at June 19, 2005 8:10 AM
In David Buss' outstanding book "The Evolution of Desire" (which I read on your recommendation Amy), he does note an interesting creep in the last 50-100 years of women's increasing preference for good looks in a man. It's still less important than status, power and resources, but slowly increasing in importance non the less. Perhaps an early sign of evolutionary shift in women's preferences because of their increasing ability to obtain their own financial security?
Jeff R at June 19, 2005 10:25 AM
"the world judges on first appearances."
In the realms of sex and romance, Lena certainly does. The only time I really try to second-guess my desires is when I think I'm getting hurt emotionally (but that's usually long, long after the first appearance has already made its mark).
Amy, if "symmetry would have indicated a lack of parasites and disease" to our ancestors, why have women evolved to prefer symmetry? Parasites and disease make very icky boyfriends. And what kind of diseases are we talking about here? I can see how certain orthopedic conditions (eg, scoliosis) affect structural symmetry, but in general, what else? Just wondering.
PS: Blogs are such a great way to avoid writing. Thank you very much.
Asymmetrical Lena at June 19, 2005 11:50 AM
Grandma was still a king-hell bitch.
Nance at June 19, 2005 3:06 PM
I agree with the top part of the story--which Amy refers to--but the second half is sad and manipulative and delusional. To summarize: gramma, in her 80s, pretty much paralyzed, insists her nurse carry her out of bed to be weighed everyday because she "doesn't want to get fat." This, when she's down to 80 pounds. Clearly, many Americans are gigantically fat to the point where it's rationalized and institutionalized and our health care costs to deal with it are such that they'll sink the ship. And yet, the other side of the issue ain't so pretty, either.
nancy at June 20, 2005 6:13 AM
Beauty is an enduring force in hearts. Amy may even be correct that it's the first judgment we make about people. But seconds later, we then judge people on their decency, clarity, background, scuba skills, and guitar playing. Beauty is just one of the judgments we make in order to get our needs met. Big deal, so it's at the front of the line... In scuba diving, that doesn't make you the leader of the dive.
To fill your family with paranoia about beauty is a shallow sort of competitiveness... It's not like the need for excellence begins and ends in that first moment with someone. It perfect beauty were what parents needed to give children, ugly children would be fucked.
We see that this is
not the case.
Crid at June 20, 2005 7:06 AM
A huge part of the problem here is the dumbass diet we eat. Wanna get fat? Eat lowfat food. By lunchtime, you'll be chasing your coworkers with a fork.
Amy Alkon at June 20, 2005 7:06 AM
I regularly feel the need to chase coworkers with a fork, but it has nothing to do with how well-marbled their thighs are. In fact, I think a good forking would do many of them good.
Forking assholes.
(Sorry, but you keep feeding these straight lines.)
Nance at June 20, 2005 1:12 PM
This woman was a horrible person, withholding her love from her granddaughter over her weight. There is no way this can be wise or defensible treatment of a child or adult, for that matter. It's one thing to teach your children or grandchildren moderation or explain that people often judge on appearance; it's another thing entirely to obsess over your weight for 80 some years. If you're worried about your granddaughter's weight, how about swimming or playing tennis together or shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables? My mother was a stunning model, well-known in her time, who thankfully and surprisingly managed NOT to fill my head with this crap. I may go up or down a few pounds from time to time, but at least I've never had to deal with eating disorders.
Pat Saperstein at June 20, 2005 2:26 PM
Sure, this lady does seem a few crullers short of a healthy psychology, but the point I wanted to make is that appearance is important. Maybe if the kid's mother cared about it, instead of letting her get fat, granny wouldn't have gone so psycho on her. Or maybe she would have anyway.
Amy Alkon at June 20, 2005 2:43 PM
I think this lady was teaching her grandchild a sick perverted lesson.
I, like many people, grew up hating my body. Only recently have realized that it's perfect because it isn't.
Lastly, I found my man who at first glance didn't do anything for me. But out of pure end of the evening whoriness I took home. Wow what a dynamo. Now 7 years later I am still having the best sex of my life and I have come to see how beautiful he is - not from the outside in but the inside out.
alex the sea turtle at June 21, 2005 1:35 PM
Thanks Grandma! I owe my size 4 figure and my eating disorder all to you!
lol, no, the world does judge on that kind of thing. I think that bitch slapping your grand daughter about it every time you see her is pretty fucked up, but kids are even meaner then that so...what're you gonna do?
but it's not the same for me with men. i never go by first look, i always judge by how they treat other people too, especially people i can tell they feel superior to. and of course later, by sexual performance. He could look like a ten but have a dick the size of an inch.
Lia at June 23, 2005 10:20 PM
This was horrible four years ago and it's still horrible now.
"Sure, this lady does seem a few crullers short of a healthy psychology, but the point I wanted to make is that appearance is important. Maybe if the kid's mother cared about it, instead of letting her get fat, granny wouldn't have gone so psycho on her. Or maybe she would have anyway."
You... you couldn't have been serious.
Girls gain weight when they go into puberty. That is a fact of life. It's healthy. They need that fat for their breasts and hips! They grow more; they need energy for that growth!
And besides, even if this girl had grown 'tremendous' (which she hadn't), that is NO excuse for a grandparent, or any relative, to treat a child this way. None at all.
You can rationalize and excuse away the shaming of this girl by the fact that "appearances matter!", but that doesn't change the fact that that is a rationalization of sheer, unmitigated cruelty (and in this granny's case, likely a mental disorder -- not merely eccentricity, a serious mental disorder). No one deserves to be shamed by the people they love because of their weight. Especially not young teens whose self-esteem is likely to be already as fragile as blown glass, and prone to tipping towards insecure feelings about their developing, changing bodies.
A.C. at December 6, 2009 5:52 PM
Wow, that granny is a special kind of freaking insane in the membrane. You sure she wasn't getting a horrible case of early dementia?
"I don't want to see you if you're 'fat'"--And NOT EVEN FAT BY BMI STANDARDS! A measly rotten stinking 20 pounds 'extra'? OMGWTFBBQ. She should have been sent to that crooked nursing home on 60 minutes for that. What sort of a message is that sending to a kid? What would the granny do if the kid was in a horrible car wreck and had a disfigured body as a result? Same deal? "You're not pretty anymore kthxbai"
OMG what a b****.
OfficialPro at January 15, 2010 3:15 PM
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