Welcome To My Museum Of Buttwads Behind The Wheel
For our first exhibition, meet Venice Chick, in her black Jetta, first encountered holding up traffic while waiting to turn left from Marine onto Lincoln.
There's plenty of space in front of her, but she is too busy making a call to move up.
I can’t move up or get around her, so traffic’s backing up behind me…a long line of cars and SUVs and delivery vans unable to take advantage of the nice green light. I honk. She glances in the mirror. She just sits there for a moment or two (passive-aggressive bitch), then crawls forward. The rest of us move up just in time to catch the red.
She turns left onto Lincoln; I’m behind her. She’s driving very slowly, still on the phone, clearly not paying attention, so I give her some space. Light’s nice and green at Rose, but she inexplicably slows to a crawl and practically stops in the middle of the road. Must be one fascinating conversation.
Horn time again. She gives me the finger, but does give her car a little gas. Hoping to make the light, I speed up a little -- just in time for her to slam on her brakes; apparently, her cute idea of revenge. My crime? Wanting to get home before sundown despite her need to turn her car into a very slow-moving phone booth. My saving grace: I drive like a granny -- in that I'm careful, not that I'm experiencing signs of premature senility, thank you.
Now, I’m pissed. You can give me the finger all you want, but don’t get me rear-ended. I pull up beside her to say something. (Yeah, I'm immature, and no, I wouldn't have done it except she looked too dimwitted to have any idea of how to fire a gun.) She’s laughing and giving me the finger again. Yeah, moron, it’s hilarious, potentially causing a big traffic pileup because you’re too stupid and self-absorbed to get off the phone and drive.
Some people lose all ability to reason when they encounter an assclown like this. I just go for my digital camera -- just a little too late, in this case, to get a nice full-face shot of her giving me the finger. Nevertheless, I did find it immensely satisfying when she noticed I was photographing her and tried hard to hide her face.
No, even that didn’t make her get off the phone. Now, I wasn’t about to go out of my way to follow her, but as it happened, she was going my way, and she was in front of me! Oops, you picked a live one, Gertie! (Really, though, can you tangle anybody less menacing than a girl in a 1900 lb. hybrid with a tiny Yorkie with a pink bow sitting in her lap?)
Hoping to lose me, she swerved right into my neighorhood -- the home streets I know very, very well. I followed behind her for a few blocks, but kids were coming home from school, and I didn’t want my picture on the news next to that of some dead six-year-old, so I let her slip away.
Do you know this woman? (Brown hair, below the shoulder, a dolphin on the rear-view mirror of her Jetta, might live somewhere around Superba or Venezia in Venice.) Because somebody should call her mommy, and after bitching the lady out for raising such a cur of a daughter, they should tell her to take her little girl’s telephone privileges away before some innocent person gets hurt. At the very least, if you know this chick, let her know her assholishness has been immortalized on my blog -- the first of a series, I'm sure.
i think you can pretty much read her license plate and search on that to find out who she is .... then send her a "polite" letter ...
people zoning out on cell phones while making left turns -- especially trophy wives in giant suv's, who always seems to have their hand full of phone -- are the most annoying, especially when they're making the turn with one hand steering the Titanic.
david at June 9, 2005 9:19 AM
Actually, you can't get license plates that easily anymore. I know, because I had to apply to the DMV to get the identity of my hit-and-run driver.
Amy Alkon at June 9, 2005 9:36 AM
One of things I've always liked about LA drivers is their efficiency and straightforwardness. Who cares if someone doesn't signal before changing lanes, as long as they're QUICK about it? Cell phones are ruining the formerly amphetamine-like pulse of LA's traffic arteries. Shut up and drive, motherfuckers!
Lena Cuisina, Speed Demon at June 9, 2005 10:04 AM
She has both hands off the wheel at one point -- isn't that at least an infraction? Maybe if you can read her license plate you could report her to the police.
Cathy Seipp at June 9, 2005 10:38 AM
The reality is that there are insane people behind the wheel everywhere.
I have a bitch ass neighbor who drives down our street at 50 in her Lincoln Navigator while chatting on her cell phone.
This women has kids and dog and she drives like that on a residential street. She is not thinking! But I don't confront her because I have realized that when ever I try to point out to the rude driver, parker, cell phone in locker room egomaniac who doesn't give a flying fuck that I end up with so upset, stressed and worked up that it makes it worst to me.
So I give in and let it go.
Good luck Amy. If you can make a difference pointing out these idiots and if you can do it with out making your life more of a hell then go for it!
alex the sea turtle at June 9, 2005 11:05 AM
She was actually stopped at that point...but I doubt she had both hands on the wheel while she was moving...or both brain cells fully engaged.
Amy Alkon at June 9, 2005 11:30 AM
"or both brain cells fully engaged."
Well, at least the two of them have each other for company.
Lena at June 9, 2005 12:34 PM
I don't get road rage anymore. I've resigned myself to the fact that there are tons of inconsiderate drivers out there. Fortunately, more than half of my driving experience has been in Manhattan, Long Island, Queens, and Brooklyn. Needless to say, not much phases me...
Goddyss at June 9, 2005 1:27 PM
You're very calm with your road rage. I don't know what I would have done but I'm sure I, not my car, would have definitely blown a gasket. I hate that bitch and I think you are wonderful, smart, insightful and hilariously funny. I want to be you in my next life. Keep blogging; you do it so well.
Marjan at June 9, 2005 3:23 PM
I really only get mad when a driver is inconsistently stupid. I don't mean occasionally stupid, I mean constantly stupid in an inconsistant manner.
For example, I was going to the pharmacy today and I was stuck behind an old man in an SUV. He was going up a hill at 10 in a 30. At the apex of the hill is a blind light that has been red every time I've ever come to it. It was green. He stopped anyway, before realizing it was green an then inched through it when it turned yellow, forcing me to blow a red light. On the other side of the hill the speed limit's 45, and it's a busy two laner. The old man hits 75 on this road, eventually cutting into oncoming traffic to pass a guy who was going 65. I was pissed all day, if only because I was so confused.
Little ted at June 9, 2005 3:43 PM
Driving in Manhattan, Long Island, Queens, and Brooklyn is a nightmare. Not because of the other drivers. It's the fearless, fat-assed pedestrians who're acting like they own the street.
Lena-doodle-doo at June 9, 2005 4:11 PM
Call Jack Bauer. He can get Chloe or Edgar to enhance the photo of the license plate (better get Chloe to do it; Edgar'll screw it up), and then they can do a trace on it in like 10 seconds. Best part: Then they'll torture her!
Jim Treacher at June 10, 2005 4:09 AM
Actually, I'm a little bit Chloe/a little bit Jack. I can enhance it myself...did it on my own little iPhoto!
Amy Alkon at June 10, 2005 5:22 AM
I have heard that CalTrans has an anonymous 800 number, which you may call to report vehicles in violation of emissions laws. I bet that Jetta is smoking - time to report it!
Note that Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers on NPR, have found that VW Jetta owners generally behave oddly. I dunno why.
Radwaste at June 10, 2005 5:58 AM
Say - look behind her in the 1st pic. That's a uniform, isn't it?
Radwaste at June 10, 2005 6:54 PM
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