Amy Alkon, Manners Fascist
I love Bob Morris. He's always right on about what's wrong and what's right with people. Here's his column, from today's New York Times, on dinner guests gone wild:
It was high season on a tony New England island. I was the guest of friends in an exquisite home above the sea. Life seemed perfect. Then half a dozen of my college friends entered the picture and everything fell apart. It wasn't my fault. They were all on the island with their families, and my hostess invited them for a dinner in my honor.An hour before it began, two of the women, both serious, anxious mothers, informed me that they were going to bring their children to swim while we dined. I didn't know what to say. Dinner was to be seated with place cards, not a poolside cookout.
By the way, they added, the children would get fed too, right?
I wasn't even the host, and this had turned into a nightmare. But then, so often these days, getting people together is more "War of the Worlds" than "High Society."
Once they've accepted an invitation, guests seem to feel they can call every shot, especially at a time when customizing everything to suit individual needs is so common. Many guests seem so self-absorbed that they don't see that their needs aren't the only ones of a carefully planned evening.
...This is not to say that a host shouldn't be flexible. Even in her day, Emily Post predicted the more relaxed entertaining we know today. Still, I wish my friends (one showed up in a T-shirt) had understood their parameters before that dinner last month.
Fortunately my hostess did. She jotted down the drill so I could make things clear. "Children upstairs, watching television, with sandwiches on trays. Adults seated at dinner." Which meant no getting up and down to check on the children.
It all worked in the end. The dinner was an enormous success.
Did the hostess receive thank you notes or calls from all the guests?
No. That would be far too much to expect.
Bob brings up a good point. Somebody invites you to a party, especially a sit-down dinner party, the least you can do is write them a little note the next day. I generally remember to do that -- even just for regular parties -- and it's amazing how many people thank me and tell me I'm the only one who did, or who ever does. Perhaps some people would see this just as an obligation, but I think it's nice to think back on the party and then just take two minutes to write down that the host's efforts were appreciated. Also, it really is nice to get the occasional message that doesn't come via e-mail.
On a related note, a friend gathers various writers for monthly dinners at an LA restaurant. He's very successful -- the showrunner of a primetime TV show. Of course, this doesn't mean he should be expected to act as anyone's bank. Most horrifyingly, his assistant was forced to let people on the invite list know, en masse (so as not to single out the rude assholes), that our host had to shell out $150 last time around, thanks to people who ate and ran. This eating and running business happens every time, I believe, though not to that degree. Disgusting.
Remember civility? I think it went out with the catalytic converter and socks with toes. Well, socks with toes are back, but unfortunately, I think there's little hope for a resurge in manners.
I'm impressed. I gave up bread-and-butter letters a decade ago. I do still phone, though.
Stu "El Inglés" Harris at August 28, 2005 8:34 AM
Amy, you've inspired me again. First it was the "Dress Like a Girl Challenge" and now the "write the d*amn thank you note" reminder. I just sat down and wrote the next-door neighbor a thank you note for the get-well toy they gave my son yesterday.
deja pseu at August 28, 2005 8:41 AM
YES, MANNERS ARE ARCHAIC, BUT I'M (CRUDELY) WORKING TO BRING THEM BACK. WHEN "THANK YOU" IS GREETED BY "HUH?" I REPEAT AND, IF NECESSARY, LET THEM KNOW "YOU'RE WELCOME" IS THE RESPONSE. REMINDS SOME OF THEM OF EARLY DAYS.
claire at August 28, 2005 9:47 AM
I'm so glad, deja, that I can be productively cranky. Even though I get mail for a living, I love getting cards and letters (legibility is always a plus, though!).
Amy Alkon at August 28, 2005 9:48 AM
I have personally been appalled at those monthly soirees, to see several people who I've seen eat a great deal of sushi and drink two cocktails throw a fiver on the table. I always leave $40, and more, of course, if you've invited someone.
As for kids at dinner: when I invite people with young children to a dinner or a cocktail party, I say, very explicitly, adults only. If it's a backyard bbq, by all means, bring the kids. Tonight, we have a couple coming; they have a year-old son. I doubt they will ask to bring him, but if they do, I will say it's fine (it's a casual Sunday dinner), and that my daughter, who is 15, will be happy to watch him upstairs while we eat.
nancy at August 28, 2005 10:03 AM
Yeah, and we know who they are...and I'm always disgusted. I always leave $40, and I usually just have one glass of wine and some sushi (and I'm not exactly the big portion queen of the universe), but I always think of making up for the classless curs who leave without paying. I would be mortified if I ever even did it by accident, which I never would. Oh, and PS, Nance, didn't you once leave $125 to make up for the classless curs, because you'd gotten a big check or something? It's so nice when it goes the other way from time to time!
Amy Alkon at August 28, 2005 10:10 AM
Din and I had been given a $90 gift certificate to Yamashiro as wedding present, by Jill Stewart. But he had already moved up to Portland, and so I threw in the certificate as payment for myself and a friend (who thought the gesture insulting to Jill, but hey, it had to get used). The host, on the other hand, thought it was sort of adorable.
nancy at August 28, 2005 10:27 AM
Ah, two Claires here today. Amy, you've inspired me, too, since your "Dress Like a Girl" challenge as deja notes. I'm trying to pick it up a notch, dress prettier, before going out again, thanks. I'm sad to say that My Aunt Edna, who I referenced in my comment in that post, passed away two days ago, from breast cancer. She always looked nice, no matter how sick she was. And the first time I was ever in Santa Monica was with her! (She used to live in Pacific Pallisades, right where Sunset hit Pacific Coast Hwy.)
Claire at August 28, 2005 7:19 PM
Why not quietly disinvite said "writers" from those dinners? I would think that even the most clueless would figure it out eventually, and of those who don't, who would want them to attend anyway at that point?
Dmac at August 29, 2005 9:03 AM
They're not my dinners, Dmac, and I think the priority for the person who hosts them is to have a truly interesting crowd of people there. And sorry, Claire, to hear about your Aunt Edna. I don't know how old she was, but I love those older women who always look their best. And younger ones, too, of course!
Amy Alkon at August 29, 2005 12:27 PM
I know, but it seemed like a reasonable suggestion for your friend.
Dmac at August 29, 2005 1:00 PM
I LOVE to entertain, but I'm getting increasingly miffed at people who don't bother RSVP'ing and then show up, or RSVP and DON'T show up. I've even made it easier by sending out an Evite so you know, you don't actually have to CALL or TALK to me, but it's still incredibly to difficult to RSVP.
I give people two chances, and then it's off the party list.
I had one guest, for my BF and my (that's terrible grammar!) housewarming, bring his DOG. I'm not talking purse-dog (such as your own) but a BIG ASS DOG. I have a big ass dog too, but I don't bring her to other peoples' parties!
I had 75 people milling in my house, I have my own dog, and there are children and such as well. Someone stopped him at the gate, I went to see what was going on, and he actually made me tell him in front of my guests that he wasn't allowed back with his dog. He said "I can't come to the party then," so I wished him farewell.
I had a baby shower for my S-i-L about seven months ago and I didn't know most of the invitees. Of course, they couldn't be bothered to RSVP, so when they came in and introduced themselves, I made sure to look confused and then declare "Oh! I didn't realize you were coming because you didn't RSVP!" Then I went into gracious-hostess mode.
But then again, I'm a cranky bitch.
slackmistress at August 29, 2005 2:05 PM
Dmac, I never give unsolicited advice.
Amy Alkon at August 29, 2005 7:41 PM
Thanks Amy. She was 72, which to me, at 42, seems young. But whatever age category she falls in, she definitely was one of those ladies who always looked her best (and she was gracious and kind as well)!
Claire at August 29, 2005 8:44 PM
slackmistress wrote:
>I've even made it easier by sending out an Evite so you know, you don't
>actually have to CALL or TALK to me, but it's still incredibly to
>difficult to RSVP.
Did you get permission to give your friends' Email addresses to a commercial
third party before you did so? If not, they were rightly entitled to be
miffed at your contribution to their Email address becoming useless due to being
a spam target. Also, if you didn't check in advance about this disclosure, you
may not have actually invited them. I know a number of people who have Evite's
IP range in their spam blocklist.
Ron at September 1, 2005 5:36 AM
I loathe Evites! I don't want to click some link to RSVP, and I don't want to RSVP publicly.
Amy Alkon at September 1, 2005 7:23 AM
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