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Small Penis Cards Attract The Slight-Of-Brained
I started getting a bunch of list subscriptions in my email box Monday night (inspired, I later found out, by my original anti-SUV campaign).


Some assclown was apparently signing me up, but who? Well, apparently, one who doesn't know there's really not that much anonymity for the average person on the Internet.

Alliance Defense Fund, which puts out one of the newsletters he subscribed me to, also sends out a handy-dandy email with a "how was I subscribed?" link -- which lists the IP of the moron who signed me up (in bold below).

Email Address: First Name: Amy Last Name: Suburban Email Type: not specified, defaulted to MIME Date and time signed up: March 06, 2006 at 07:45:01 PM Your IP Address: You signed up on this page: not recorded

I turn to Arin WhoIs to look up the IP. Adelphia. I write to them at with the person's IP, asking them to figure out who it is. Then, after unsubscribing to all the lists when I could have been giving advice to about 50 people whose emails are waiting for answers in my mailbox, I noticed an email that wasn't list-served, just on top of all the ones that were. I opened it, and immediately thought to peel back the IP. Yep, shore enough, here's the return path (the essential bits, anyway):


Received: from BrothersMedia ([]) by
(InterMail vM. 201-2131-123-102-20050715) with ESMTP
id <>
for ; Mon, 6 Mar 2006 22:12:28 -0500
From: "Hail Caesar"
Subject: Vehicle Update
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2006 22:12:37 -0500

Here's the guy's email:

In a message dated 3/6/06 7:12:45 PM, writes:

Just so you know the scales always remain in balance – I just bought my wife a HUGE Suburban. Lovely, 11 miles to the gallon in the city! MMMMM!

As for me, I just can’t give up my 1973 Jeep and 2002 Ford 250!!!! I had a 2001 Corvette but just got tired of it – sorry! When my kids are 18, they get whatever they want as long as it has a V8!

Ahhhh, Capitalism!!!!! Support the economy that has given us all so much!!!!


p.s. Don’t fret, someday you will get laid and find something worth while to occupy your time with instead of vulgar insults! Oh, and please remember, always Give War a Chance!

Here's what I wrote him back:

It was unwise of you to sign me up for all these lists. I've found your IP and matched it to the one in your email. I've reported the IP address to Adelphia already; now I'll do the rest of the detective work so they don't have to.

It's not a surprise that you'd do such a thing -- you already take more than your fair share of the gas on the planet, not caring that our soldiers in Iraq might be getting their arms and legs amputated and coming home in body bags. How can that be anything to be proud of?

As for getting a life, I've been writing a column for 120-plus papers all day long; you've been subscribing my name to lists all over the Internet. Perhaps you should take your own advice? And RJ, what's your full name, big man?

Well, I'll answer that for myself, perhaps, by looking up "BrothersMedia" in his email return. I let my fingers do the walking -- G-O-O-G-L-E.C-O-M, and lookee what I found:

Hmm, whaddya know, we find an RJ there! Helloooo, Genius! It's like the guy who did a hit-and-run on my car...complete with a personalized license plate. If you're going go all asshole on somebody, at least have the good sense to go asshole while undercover. Here's the guy's name, phone number, and email address (which may not be good much longer if Adelphia actually does anything about abuse):

Richard "R.J." LaBarba - 704.451.5207

I called him and told him he'd better get apologizing to me, and fast. Apparently (so he said via another email), he'd actually called me back -- but on my anti-SUV message line (I never check that line), so I called him back again after getting this email:


Just left you a voice mail with this same message - Kudos for having the intestinal fortitude to make the phone call! Again, I apologize for my low-road ‘p.s.’ comment on my earlier email. After getting my car keyed to the tune of $1250 by a ‘green’ supporter last year (who also left a card) my temper gets the best of me sometimes per anti-SUV campaigners.

I have to say I didn’t listen to your voice mail because after you said your name I hung up and decided to just accept the feeling of “good for her” instead of potentially listening to an unpleasant voice mail, deservedly so, and potentially engaging in tit-for-tat emails.

Well, that is it and I will close with a sincere - have a great rest of the week!


I told him that he was no better than the car keyer for taking my time without my permission and subscribing me to those email lists -- especially when I could have been answering emails from people who need advice. For example, this guy, who was wondering what I was doing instead of answering his question (well, for one thing, deleting my name from the John Birch Society newsletter):

Are you going to write back or answer on your Web site? Still looking for your help. Thank you! Waiting

My response:

Sorry, but I'm on deadline now. I will answer you, but Wednesday or just after. Best,-Amy

I told LaBarba I want him to be accountable. He simply kept saying he was sorry. Not good enough. He took my time, and he owes me for it. I asked for $50. (I do that to telemarketers and others who call me unless they get me madder as a way to have them put their money where their mouth is -- in real accountability.)

LaBarba bragged (classy!) that he charges $250 an hour and said he'd send me the $50 in "a couple weeks." Hmm, we'll see. Bets on whether he's a man of his word, anyone?

Oh yeah...and any other Jell-O-for-brains interested in trying to scam my ass this week?
--Amy Alkon, Girl Detective

UPDATE: Did he or didn't he (pay up)? The answer here.

Posted by aalkon at March 7, 2006 11:31 AM

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Good morning all - I am the inconsiderate jack@ss, RJ. No excuse for my actions, suffice to say, I will put my money where my apology is for Amy's time ASAP.

Posted by: RJ Labarba at March 7, 2006 2:10 AM

Give war a chance, huh?

I'm sure that the local Armed Forces recruiter would LOVE to talk to such a manly-man. Perhaps someone should pass "R.J. Thunderschlong's" contact info along to them.

I wonder why he hasn't already signed up to fight?

*gasp* You don't think he's all talk and no bullocks, do you?

Nooooo….couldn’t be….

- The Gene Pool Needs A Shock of Chlorine

Posted by: RedPretzel at March 7, 2006 7:04 AM

RJ -- $50 is not enough. I think you should give Amy some oral service. Lena

Posted by: Lena at March 7, 2006 8:12 AM

Since you clearly have RJ's balls on a silver platter, Amy, why so shy about posting them? Still working on the garnish and herb dressing?

Not sure why, but reading your post has made me instinctively cross my legs.

Posted by: modestproposal at March 7, 2006 9:43 AM


I guess I still don't get why you need to tie in the whole "dead marines" thing to driving SUV's, and wonder what kind of reaction you expect from people when you accuse them of contributing to the death of their countrymen. It doesn't strike me as a whole lot different than Fred Phelps saying this war is gods retribution for Americas tolerance of gays, though not in the same league of crassness.

Posted by: eric at March 7, 2006 9:43 AM

The man is simply an idiot and has even admitted to being one. Now stupid people aren't that hard to find but one who's mean spirited and stupid at the same time, well that's just someone with a big target on thier own SUV problems.

According to what I see he is:

Richard LaBarba

11880 Quitman Street

Westminster, CO 80031

Phone: 3033194535

By signing someone up without their permission to several mailing lists he probably violated the TOS of comcast. Mail comcast.

And if you look at the laws in CO about stalking and harrasment, it's not pretty for this guy who wants to say 'Ahhhh, Capitalism!!!!! Support the economy that has given us all so much!!!!" '

Since he runs a photography service, if anyone wants to honor his ideals about capitalsim simply file a complaint about him using his own busisness account to harrass someone that he happens to disagree with. I'm sure the AG of Colorado or the BBB would be very happy to hear from you.

Posted by: Don at March 7, 2006 11:13 AM

The contentions with the childishness of the action taken, and the issue with some of the things he said are well covered...But as a professional computer geek, I'm dismayed by seeing it done it in such a way that's so easily traced back to the source. (sigh) There are so many ways to do such things that can easily evade most methods of backtracing. All geeks/hackers/computer pranksters hang their heads in shame. Then again, I'd never do that to strangers...I'd do it to people I know personally, who also do me the same "favor", and would take it as a joke, not as a personal attack. True, it's bad all around to do something like that, but to do it poorly, isn't that the greater crime? /sarcasm

Posted by: JNichols at March 7, 2006 1:45 PM

He's a stupid bastard for proxy-spamming you.

On the other hand, what about the time and effort other people have to spend taking your droppings off their cars?

They should bill you for that, and for disposal of the litter, shouldn't they? Fair's fair, after all.

Posted by: Sigivald at March 7, 2006 3:11 PM

Amy scored a clean kill with her muscular counter-strike, but the guy took some of the sport out of it with his sober, abject, obsequious retreat. Memo to self: Do not blog-annoy girl detectives.

Posted by: Crid at March 7, 2006 10:15 PM

Eric- Do you think the western world's energy policy is where it needs to be?

Posted by: Crid at March 7, 2006 10:21 PM

I'm impressed.

Posted by: OC_Will at March 7, 2006 11:57 PM

I like RJ's stand-up willingness to take his lumps here in Amy's own baliwick.

I'm sorry about RJ's car.

I'm sorry about Amy's time.

I think we can all get along. Call me crazy.

Posted by: Deirdre B. at March 8, 2006 7:07 AM

By the way, I pitched a regular feature writing this stuff -- not letting people "get away with it," whether it's stuff like this, loud cell phoning in public, etc., -- to the new editor at LA Times Magazine (now "West") and was turned down.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at March 8, 2006 7:30 AM

The LA Times may not want to know, but Kevin Roderick at LA Observed just cross-refed you. So everyone in the City of Angels will now be singing (with apols to Richie Valens) "para burlar La Barba"....

Posted by: modestproposal at March 8, 2006 7:40 AM


The western world is now competing with the eastern world for these same petroleum assets, but they don't have soldiers dying in Iraq. Of course I would like to see American companies innovate to the highest fuel standards possible, and the least polluting. They are not, so GM nears bankruptcy while Toyota builds new plants in Tennessee. Changes will come from the marketplace, not George Bush, and it works.

Right now the marketplace says big cars are attractive, and will remain so until the price of gasoline demands a move to smaller more efficient vehicles. (I am garaging my Tahoe soon until the snow flies again for a nice little two seater, not because I can't afford the gas, but I don't need all the SUV for zipping around town.)

But this does not mean is that I am killing marines in the winter, and being a patriot in the better weather.

PS- Why is the rest of the world building nuclear plants, while America still thinks of the Pepsi Syndrome?

Posted by: eric at March 8, 2006 8:16 AM

Eric, you rock.

Sometimes I navel-gaze at what would happen if the U.S. government stopped spending so much money protecting oil. Let's just say (while we are in the land of make-believe) that this reduced spending resulted in a corresponding reduction in income taxes.

We'd all start paying more for gas, which would probably cause two things to happen:

1) The people who weren't paying income taxes to begin with would bellyache to high heaven about the increase in gas prices. The minority of people who pay most of the income taxes would probably benefit or net out to zero, so they wouldn't complain. This would be seen as a benefit to the evil rich.

2) Those market forces Eric is talking about would affect U.S. consumers the same way they affect Europe. You'd see lots of those teensy-weensy little commuter cars that get 80 miles to the gallon.

Posted by: Pirate Jo at March 8, 2006 11:31 AM

Bravo Amy! Amazing investigation, you could do this for a living (think about it, really...) He'd better send the check with flowers or something a bit classy. The "google" punishment is pretty bad already: his name is forever associated to this disgraceful episode!

Posted by: Emmanuelle at March 9, 2006 1:57 PM

Way to go on tracking him down :-) I think him signing you up for loads of spam was a crappy thing to do. Kudos to him for being big enough to apologize for it, though. But, Amy, I love reading your stuff, however I honestly think he's come across as the bigger person. He apologized, sincerely, and yet that wasn't good enough. No wonder people are getting ruder and ruder these days. Common courtesies such as apologies are no longer enough. Not your finest hour, IMO.

Posted by: Anne at March 10, 2006 11:59 AM

As a P.S. - I know you didn't do it, but I think it's really uncool for somebody to have posted his address and phone number on your site, and a bit irresponsible to leave it up. It would be a shame if he were harrassed or his property vandalised over this whole thing.

Posted by: Anne at March 10, 2006 12:06 PM

Anne, his phone number is on the front of his site, and his information is readily available in the Internet registry -- no secret to anyone with Google and a moderately agile mind. Moreover, the Colorado address is wrong. He lives in Charlotte, NC, as you'll see if you go to his own site, where I found his cell phone number and dialed him up and ragged him out with great ease. I'm not going to restrain myself from criticizing somebody or posting publicly available information because there might be some yahoos out there. I don't wish physical harm to come to anyone, but restraint in this area is not my job.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at March 10, 2006 3:09 PM

What a great story. I had to do the same twice. I got apologies once I tracked them down but I never thought to ask them to compensate me for my wasted time. Good job.

Posted by: Randy at March 12, 2006 11:14 AM

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