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Crucifiction, Anyone?
Um, if you're into self-flagellation, why not just write humor (I mean, the kind that's actually funny). It is torture, but with practice, it can pay pretty well...and best of all, it leaves no visible scars!

Perhaps it's a wiser career choice for guys like Dominik Diamond, a British game show host who'd persuaded Philippine authorities to allow him to be nailed to a cross at a hillside Easter ceremony:

Diamond would've been only the second Westerner to participate in the senselessly abusive ritual.

But as he watched the man in line before him have nails pounded into his hands and feet, Diamond had second thoughts. He began sobbing uncontrollably.

"I can't do it, I can't do it," Diamond, 37, was heard to say through his tear. "God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross," he sobbed. He then fell to his knees in prayer as the locals and tourists booed him. He was soon led away to an ambulance for no apparent reason.

Luckily all this was caught on film, as Diamond had been planning to turn the experience into a TV documentary tentatively titled "Crucify Me."

Diamond was trying to reconnect with God after years of unheeded prayer. He had been afflicted with insomnia and spent countless sleepless nights begging God to let him sleep.

"I thought this was such a simple thing to ask and He could not do it," Diamond said.

...Despite the title of his project and the setting, Diamond insists he never guaranteed he would be crucified.

"At no point was it ever conveyed that I would definitely be crucified. At all times in this journey I have been guided by my God in ways I could never have predicted. Having experienced the humility of bearing my own cross through the streets, I felt my God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross."

Needless to say, the title is subject to change.

Well, let's help him out! Title suggestions?

Yoohoo, Treacher?

Posted by aalkon at April 17, 2006 8:57 AM

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I don't know off the top of my head, but if I were to write a song about it, I'd call it "Cold Feet (Got No Holes)."

Posted by: Jim Treacher at April 17, 2006 2:12 AM

Tom Petty already has the song title: "Don't Hang Around Here No More".

Some folks might see this as confirmation of Jesus - but the Romans (provided they actually crucified him, there's no record of it) didn't ask anyone permission to hang 'em up.

Posted by: Radwaste at April 17, 2006 2:36 AM

Close. How about an album title: "Please, Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em!"

Posted by: Jim Treacher at April 17, 2006 3:02 AM

You might feel some symapthy for the man. He's obviously going through a hard time and religion's not helping - in fact, it seems to be contributing to his troubles.

Posted by: Norman at April 17, 2006 3:21 AM

"Squeal or No Squeal"?

Posted by: Allah at April 17, 2006 7:07 AM

Hmmm, some subtle editing, and we could have the aptly titled band Nine Inch Nails, with "Hands Got No Holes".

Posted by: Alan at April 17, 2006 8:41 AM

Reminds me of a pagan message board I once monitored. Someone came by and insisted that the pagans "find Jesus." I would have removed it, as proselytizing is clearly against the rules of the forum, but the responses were hilarious.

"Is he lost again?" "Why can't they keep him on a stick where he belongs?" "I sure do love my Jesus-on-a-stick."

Posted by: Patrick at April 18, 2006 3:48 AM

The guy prays for relief from insomnia, which is "such a simple thing to ask and He could not do it." I guess he never considered that even if you believe God answers prayers, sometimes the answer is "No."

Favorite graffiti/bumper sticker - "Jesus Saves. Moses Invests."

Posted by: Melissa at April 18, 2006 1:40 PM

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