How To Be A Good Christian Wife
It starts with the orange juice issue. I'm clearly lower than "whores" in the eyes of this particular "Good Christian Wife" (first, because I don't even go to the grocery store, and, in fact, oftentimes wouldn't have food in my house if my boyfriend didn't bring it to me). I certainly don't have any orange juice, fresh or frozen.
Anyway, Deirdre sent me a link to a "Good Christian Wife" how-to site, which seems like a parody, but probably isn't. Now, I'm all for being sweet and pleasant and taking care of your man (see this bit for my top three):
As I've written before, to have a happy relationship, it takes three things. First, though, you have to find a good guy, which means you have to make ethics a priority, and wait to get to know him until you see he has them. And you have to have them yourself to really be able to identify them. After you get the good guy, just do these three things:1. Be sweet to him.
2. Don't gain 300 pounds.
3. Give him blow jobs.
Something tells me if you do #3 particularly well, you can get away without the orange juice being fresh -- or even orange. To see why that's supposed to matter, check out a few salient points from Ye Olde Good Christian Advice Wife:
1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have his paper and his breakfast ready for him when he wakes. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him as you get up and down to fetch him more biscuits or find his briefcase for him.
10. When choosing a dessert, remember a fat man is a faithful man and a full man falls asleep fast. Use lots of rich icings and creamy fillings.
12. Always go to bed before your Husband. He deserve a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously.
13. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.
What's with all the whore-bashing? Slutty girls just wanna have fun. Unlike her version of "The Good Christian Wife," they rarely express an interest in sending a man to an early grave -- and in a double-wide coffin -- in hopes of getting out of getting boned.
As for "Good Christian Fun," this place sure looks like heaven.
I dunno about you, but I'm suddenly compelled to go look for a guy with a spiky leather tail waving a pitchfork around.
I do think it's parody, but it's psycho-parody.
Deirdre B. at April 25, 2006 5:02 AM
Only whores initiate sex. That's why everyone loves whores.
Lena Cuisina, Whore of Christ at April 25, 2006 6:24 AM
Hey Deirdre -- You do a website for Lincoln Perry? Isn't he Ann Beattie's husband? I love her work -- especially her short stories. Lena
Lena at April 25, 2006 6:28 AM
Yes, I designed and manage Lincoln's site, and yes- he's Ann's husband.
They are a couple of smart, funny people.
Deirdre B. at April 25, 2006 8:46 AM
I"ll do the obligatory sexist male reference to Queen Victoria of England's advice : "Be a perfect lady everywhere ; and a whore in the bedroom".
Since one of the titles of the British monarchy is "Defender of the Faith" you're covered ( the history of that is a hoot ! ).
Re : Christian Entertainment Centre - the sign is the only enticing part of that windowless block.
opit at April 25, 2006 9:23 AM
Back in the 80s, I had a friend in NYC who shared a mutual friend with Ann, and he got her to sign my copy of "Where You'll Find Me." Inside she wrote, "With all best wishes, and hoping we meet someday." Several years later I did indeed meet Ann after a reading she did at Black Oak Books in Berkeley. She was completely sweet and cool. And you're right -- Ann's a smart one too. She also had a lot of interesting things to say at the reading about literature in general. (She used the word "verisimilitude" in the most casual way. I could've thrown myself at her feet for that!) She's got a new book of stories out, and I hope to find time to read it soon.
Lena Cuisina, Book Whore at April 25, 2006 10:05 AM
screw orange juice, i'd marry a chick that'd wake me up with a blow job.
g*mart at April 25, 2006 8:20 PM
After reading the various replies, and the original poster's replies to those replies, I can only conclude that she's 1) dead serious, or 2)so enmeshed in the game she's playing that she refuses to drop the facade.
Patrick at April 25, 2006 8:23 PM
Actually, a lot of these hints are good for husbands too. Well, with the exception of trying to kill your spouse by over feeding. And of course the whores, whores I tells ya, and their damn, heathen frozen orange juice!
Samara Morgan at April 25, 2006 8:56 PM
Wow. Talk about over the top.
Either this woman is part of some wacko fringe cult, or she's playing everybody.
Seriously, that represents Christianity about as well as Jamaica represents Asia. They are both above water, and that's about all they have in common.
Deoxy at April 26, 2006 11:46 AM
Wow, it looks packed and hopping at the Upper Room, hmm, all the waitresses must have below the knee skirts and practical shoes too, nah, all the ladies are probably home getting the oranges ready for the morning.
sonja at April 26, 2006 6:41 PM
Hm... I'm going to go for parody... or else bait-and-switch evangelism featuring sexy, sexy abs:
http://missannieangel.blogspot.com/
Stephanie at April 26, 2006 8:54 PM
#24 If your husband is named Patrick, don't initiate blow jobs.
Patrick hates blow jobs.
We're not sure where he stands regarding whores.
SteveHeath at April 27, 2006 9:20 PM
For this I got a college degree? I think if i turned into that melba-toast of a woman it would make my boyfriend leave faster than almost anything else I could think of . . . except for maybe lighting his cat on fire. I can't imagine how repressed that woman must be. Makes me want to go do something lascivious right now, figures my boyfriend would be out of town. I like your Jamacia/Asia analogy, Deoxy.
Sign me off
~A good christian whore.
LXV at May 4, 2006 1:25 AM
reminds me of the way this school i was shipped to wanted us to be when we got out. Freaky, cult- like style school. All girls. We had to wear these awful, fashion raped things called cullots. They are shorts that come down below your knees. Not allowed to come past the bottom of them. It was sin and you'd go to hell for mentioning the word "pants" or "jeans". Only whores wore those!! So many crack-assed stories of this school.
Jami at June 2, 2006 11:17 AM
reminds me of the way this school i was shipped to wanted us to be when we got out. Freaky, cult- like style school. All girls. We had to wear these awful, fashion raped things called cullots. They are shorts that come down below your knees. Not allowed to come past the bottom of them. It was sin and you'd go to hell for mentioning the word "pants" or "jeans". Only whores wore those!! So many crack-assed stories of this school.
Jami at June 2, 2006 11:18 AM
I love how people use my work without asking persmission.
It's disgraceful, and it's agaisnt copyright law.
Here's some advice, seek permission of the people who's work you take and use without hardly any referring source. All you put was a tiny link, without mentioning my name.
I put all the work into writing the advice, and you just copy and paste.
Shame on you.
annieangel at January 18, 2007 11:58 AM
There is a link to you, and the link goes to the site with your name. There aren't little links or big links, simply links. I've done nothing improper here. You should be glad I linked to your silliness at all. I think you're just mad I'm (rightfully) making fun of it.
I know all about copyright law, and you haven't a clue, clearly. I suggest you learn about "fair use" -- what I used here is fine under the "fair use" doctrine.
Furthermore, I'd be worried, if I were you, about your irrational belief in god. There's no evidence there is a god, yet you waste your life worshipping the Imaginary Friend. Silly woman. And as far as being so attached to having your name in a piece, is your name "annieangel"? You seem to violate your own criticism here. Nitwit.
Amy Alkon at January 18, 2007 12:30 PM
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