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Don't Criticize How He Drives 'Cuz He's With The FBI!


Well, at least that's what the guy in the lipsticked moving van that is the Cadillac Escalade claimed when I yelled at him for throwing his vehicle into reverse and almost backing up into me as I was walking to my car. I then took his photo to commemorate the occasion.

Boo hoo, he didn't like that I shouted at him. Um, how else was I supposed to let him know he was about to flatten me?

He told me I had no right to take his picture for my blog. Unfortunately for him, I'm never far from my little Cato Institute copy of the Constitution, and I reminded him of the First Amendment. And I just laughed at his FBI claim. So, you're with the FBI, dude? And? Even if you actually had a badge, is it also a license to run people over?

Of course, from my experience with the FBI guys who used to go to my old gym in Manhattan (one of whom my dry cleaner fixed me up with), if he were an FBI guy he'd be exceptionally polite, serious about his driving, and rather chivalrous -- not an oblivious asshole in a shiny subsitute for a huge penis.

After nearly squashing me, the guy pulled in so close to my car I could barely back out of my space. He was about three inches from my car. These huge SUVs are simply too big for many normal parking spaces. Had there been an even average-sized car in the space next to him, not my tiny Honda Insight, he never could've pulled in.

To give you some sense of how huge his vehicle is, that's the top of my car antenna protruding in the photo.

I told him if he wasn't equipped to maneuver such a huge vehicle, he had no business driving one. Not surprisingly, his mammoth-mobile had some scrapes on the back right side. To be fair, it is possible these weren't made with him behind the wheel. To be realistic, this vehicle was so enormous, I can't see how anybody who isn't a professional truck driver could drive it without putting other people in serious danger.

Here's an idea: This thing should come with one of those beeeep-beeeep-beeeep! backup horns, and drivers who buy one should be required to take special lessons. Hmmm...we could call it Anti-Asshole School For Alleged FBI Agents Who Have Better Things To Do Than Worry They're Running You Over!

Posted by aalkon at September 8, 2006 1:41 PM

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Wow, he really does have that kind of slack-jawed, stupid look, doesn't he?

Posted by: deja pseu at September 8, 2006 9:17 AM

What are the safety specs on those SUVs? I heard that when they roll over, which they do a lot apparently, the roof is unable to bear the weight of the vehicle, and the passenger instantly becomes a quadriplegic. Maybe you could tell that to all those clever SUV drivers who think they're so superior and invincible in their asshole-mobiles.

Posted by: Canada at September 8, 2006 9:20 AM

Reminds me of an incident at the 94591 post office. Access through the parking lot is by a stairwat cut into an 8' concrete retainer, and people looove to park there and let the passenger (or themselves) go inside. Recently I told an asshole parked there in a white pickup that he was an asshole, he smirked and said 'I know', when I said he should move he claimed to be Vallejo PD and did he need to show me his badge? My understanding is that police only need to state the fact (long story), and this A-hole (Ferro? Serro? something like that) would have loved to harass me for disturbing the peace or something, so I let it go. Hooray for you, Amy.

Posted by: sps49 at September 8, 2006 9:27 AM

Excellent. Next time, CIA, OK?

Posted by: Crid at September 8, 2006 9:36 AM

One of the things I adore about you is the way you confront public obnoxiousness. And I think it's a fantastic ideas to make SUV's equipped with back-up beepers like any other industrial-sized vehicle.

Posted by: Russputin at September 8, 2006 10:06 AM

All SUVs and fat people should have backup warning devices. I think Hillary is stumping for legislation to address these issues even as we speak.

Posted by: Roger at September 8, 2006 12:17 PM

I heard that FBI staff are mostly mormons. This guy just looks like a moron.

Posted by: LA Frog at September 8, 2006 2:39 PM

I really have to agree with your final paragraph. I used to be a commercial driver, trucks and busses. We did a lot of drills with cones. The other day I was trying to park my Ford F2big as close as I could behind my honda. I got out and noticed I was almost 3 feet from the rear bumper of the honda. Completely unacceptable!

My skills have attrophied to the point where my margin of error is 3 feet. I believe it is supposed to be within 18 inches. At least I know I need re-training. How many SUV drivers do you think get out the cones and learn the boundaries of their vehicle when they buy a new one? I think an SUV liscense should be treated much the same as a motorcycle liscense. Before you get your first one, you spend $150 and a saturday getting professional instruction.

Back-up alarms may have a detrimental effect. When I drive for work i am glad to have one but there is this sense that, hey, I warned ya and you still walked behind my truck. Like how some people think a turn signal is a substitute for a proper gap in the next lane. Entitlement.

Now set-out cones, that would be excellent training for us all. You see these cones about a foot behind the rear street-side corner of a work truck. The purpose is not to keep you from hitting the truck. The purpose is to force the driver to do a walk around before backing over something or someone.

One thing I do think small car drivers need to work on is for/aft position in parking spaces. small cars should not pull all the way into spaces but should instead try and line up the rear with the natural line of the other cars rears (excluding outliers such as my F250). How many times have I started to pull into a space already occupied by a sub compact...

Posted by: smurfy at September 8, 2006 4:38 PM

This also reminds me of another story. My dad works for the state of California. He once had a subordinate use his official looking state ID to try and get out of a speeding ticket (I'm on my way to a state emergency). The guy got the ticket and got fired.

Seems if he does work for the FBI, missusing his credentials would be a punishable offense.

Posted by: smurfy at September 8, 2006 4:44 PM

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