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Why You Should Drink Your Coffee Instead Of Shoving It Up Your Butt
Orac's got the goods. He debunks coffee as a detoxifier for the human liver:

So, let's take a look at s. a. Wilson's Therapy Blend Coffee.

Regular readers will probably guess right away what sort of "therapy" Wilson is talking about when referring to "therapy blend coffee." Even not-so-regular readers will probably figure it out fairly quickly. However, for those of you unfamiliar with the true depths to which woo will sink and yet another manifestation with the altie desire to purge and cleanse the body of undefined and unnamed "toxins," let's try to put it as gently as possible. The "therapy" for which this "therapy blend" coffee is intended involves putting coffee where it was never intended to be placed and where its taste is irrelevant.

Yes, as disgusting as it sounds, I'm talking about coffee enemas:

On the following pages you will find a good deal of information on coffee enemas, as well as the improved enema coffee blend developed by s.a. Wilson's. For the first time there is an organic coffee available that has been specifically blended and roasted for enema use.

Be still my beating heart. Actually, considering that the colon can absorb lots of drugs (why do you think that some drugs are given as suppositories?) including caffeine, anyone using one of these enemas is likely to need to have his heart slowed down. He could get really hopped up on coffee, given that the volumes used in an enema tend to be quite a bit more than a cup or two. (Heck, he might even need beta blockers after that.) So, why should you start putting coffee up your butt? Let s. a. Wilson tell you (what's with the small letters?):

The coffee enema is quite simply the best means for detoxifying the human liver. Using s.a.Wilsons Therapy Blend Coffee will make it even more effective. What does a coffee enema do, and why is it better using Wilsons coffee?

When you do a coffee retention enema the Caffeine in the coffee relaxes the smooth muscles in the body. This allows the Liver and the Gallbladder to almost immediately dump all the bile and toxins that they were holding. The Liver is then free to do its job at full capacity, removing the toxins and poisons from the body.

Also, and more importantly the coffee enema contains Palmitic Acid, this ingredient gets the liver to produce an Enzyme that cleans the blood. Tests show that while doing a coffee enema the Liver will produce up to 700% more of this Enzyme than it normally would. That, very simply, is what happens while you do a coffee enema.

Yippee. Just what I always wanted, to relax all the smooth muscles in my body while I'm tightening my anal sphincter to try to keep coffee in my colon. Where do I sign up?

Orac explains "Palmitic Acid":

There are a lot of articles on palmitic acid and the liver, but a perusal did reveal an interesting little paper that shows that palmitic acid activates Bax in hepatocytes (liver cells). What, you ask, is Bax? I'm happy to tell you! It's a protein that induces apoptosis (i.e., programmed cell death). Indeed, long chain fatty acids like palmitate can induce apoptosis in the pancreas as well. I suppose it's possible that these guys mixed up "palmitate" and "palmitoleate" (the latter actually demonstrating a protective effect against the proapoptotic effect of palmitate), but I doubt it. In fact, there is even a hypothesis that chronic exposure to free fatty acids (like palmitic acid) injures pancreatic islet cells and contributes to type II diabetes. As for the immune system, in one cell culture assay using macrophages (a type of immune cell), palmitic acid was the most toxic of the fatty acids tested. Yes, the science may not be entirely settled yet, but there's enough evidence to suggest that pumping palmitic acid up your behind may not be such a great idea. So why on earth would these guys want to put it in the coffee?

My own favorite part of the s.a.Wilson claims is this bit:

All the coffee used for our enema coffee is 100% certified organic. It is also bird friendly and shade grown.

You know, if I'm going to shove coffee up my ass, I want it to be bird-friendly.

For coffee consumption at the other end, fuck the birds, I'll have me some Ristretto.

Posted by aalkon at September 30, 2006 10:50 AM

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Thanks for the reminder. I've been buying beans from Ristretto since you first mentioned them, but in the last couple of months kept forgetting to reorder, so kept having to buy local. Ordered 2 more lbs of Sumatra this morning.

Posted by: deja pseu at September 30, 2006 4:07 PM

You may have heard this one, but...

A construction worker at the Site had an accident with a pipe, and they had to wire his jaw shut. This was a big deal because it restricted his coffee intake, which was a big part of his morning: the guy would slug a quart of the stuff before work started, right there in the shack. He had headaches, and was was having big withdrawal symptoms, so one of his buddies suggested a coffee enema. "Noo nay," he protested, through his clenched teeth, sipping what he could through a straw. "Uh-nnn."

But after a couple more days, his discomfort increased, and so he relented; he brought the rig to work.

So this guy steps into the Superintendent's briefing in the morning, but his buddies notice he's still in some pain - he's shifting back and forth in his seat, and making small noises: "Unnn. Nnnn. Nnnn!" So thay ask him what's the matter? Was the coffee too hot?

"Nnoo. Too sweet!"

Posted by: Radwaste at October 1, 2006 2:41 AM

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