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Chemistry Settling
Just posted an interesting question from my Advice Goddess column from a girl who doesn't really feel a need for a relationship -- but happens to be in one. She concedes to the usual blather, that relationships "take work." Yeah? Mine isn't. And if it starts to feel like being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, I think it's time to end it. Then again, I have the luxury of not needing a relationship because I need discount drool wiping when I'm 80, or somebody to pay for me. And perhaps that's why my relationship is so much fun. Here's an excerpt from the column:

Like many people, you apply the Puritan work ethic to relationships: “All relationships are work.” Maybe so, but some relationships are McJobs.

...Unbridled passion does have its downsides; for example, couples consumed by it are always so busy ripping their clothes off and shoving china from the dining room table that they never get to count the number of little white bumps on the bedroom ceiling. Also, if you do have a spark, there’s a good chance you’ll eventually be sitting around with your girlfriends complaining you’ve lost it, and that Nirvana is starting to look a lot like a run-down section of Bakersfield.

Even so, you’d walk away from everything you have for a chance at a spark. Who do you think you are, missy, that “good on paper” isn’t good enough for you? Well, for starters, you’re a girl whose sense of self isn’t modeled after a sinkhole. Oddly, you’re still influenced by the relationship version of the “starving children in India” argument. In reality, you can hoover up every green bean in the Western Hemisphere, and it will not cause Happy Meals to rain down on Calcutta. Likewise, while there are legions of love-starved women across North America, your being grateful for what you have -- zero connection, but with the perfect man -- won’t lead these women to unlist their numbers so as not to be annoyed at all hours by random marriage proposals.

I once got “fired” by a shrink after one session for an attitude like yours. I was in my early 30s, and having a hard time finding a boyfriend. The shrink listened, then made her pronouncement: “You have high standards, you accept the consequences, that’s very healthy, I really have nothing else to say to you, don’t come back.” Okay, maybe you do fear commitment, maybe you’re too picky -- or maybe you shouldn’t expect to find a guy who’s right for you while you’re tied up with a guy who’s wrong. If you aren’t unhappy holding out for more, why worry that you aren’t unhappy? Just go back to being without a man and being fine with it, but keep looking. While you’re at it, keep in mind that the couples who seem so effortlessly in love are those who held out for chemistry -- having the physical, mental, and emotional hots for each other -- as opposed to what you’ve had for the past five months: indifference with aspirations. (But, hey, whatever sinks your boat!)

Posted by aalkon at November 1, 2006 7:35 AM

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Comments

Bully for you, Amy, but well-adjusted people don't kick the ball forward. Lonely peopel are funnier:

http://tinyurl.com/y6rf6p

JodyT agrees with me.

Posted by: Crid at November 1, 2006 7:56 AM

Ha ha ha, delurking to comment after I read: "if it starts to feel like being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, I think it's time to end it" -- amen, sistah!
I did enough WORK on my 1st marriage that I will never ever put myself through that s**t again... It is SO not worth it! And I have flat-out laid this on the line w/hubby #2 (I work hard enough at my day job, thank you very much, I'm not coming home to put in a second and/or third shift!) -- thankfully he seemed to take this quite well!

Posted by: Val at November 1, 2006 10:22 AM

Crid, those are just great. Have to get that book.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 1, 2006 11:45 AM

I do not, Crid!

Posted by: Jody Tresidder at November 1, 2006 12:09 PM

Ha ha ha, delurking to comment after I read: "if it starts to feel like being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, I think it's time to end it" -- amen, sistah!
I did enough WORK on my 1st marriage that I will never ever put myself through that s**t again... It is SO not worth it! And I have flat-out laid this on the line w/hubby #2 (I work hard enough at my day job, thank you very much, I'm not coming home to put in a second and/or third shift!) -- thankfully he seemed to take this quite well!

Posted by: Val at November 1, 2006 3:27 PM

Hey Amy, I think comments are being eratically deleted.

They're being erratically posted, too, but you know what I mean... There's a computer disk somewhere with a scratch on it.

Posted by: Crid at November 1, 2006 4:41 PM

Did you post one that disappeared? Sometimes if there are too many links in it it goes to my junk folder. Let me know -- I'm looking now...found one by Jody in there...I get so much spam, I sometimes delete one accidentally, but I try to be very careful. And again, there's the problem of the anti-spam program sometimes sending those with more than one link to hell. Try to separate links in two entries (sorry)...Gregg is looking into changing from 1and1 hosting (home of the 400 and 500 errors, sigh, for MT sites).

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 1, 2006 10:28 PM

Hmmm...my fault - your comment on the cars entry was inadvertently swept into the spam folder by me. Sorry about that. Retrieved it. Guess I shouldn't be deleting my all the "elderly sluts" spam at midnight.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 1, 2006 10:33 PM

This elderly slut says thanks for putting her comment back, Amy:)

Posted by: Jody Tresidder at November 2, 2006 4:15 AM

First of all, all you have to do to make me like you is call yourself an "elderly slut." I'm slut-positive, of course, and I like to think that sluts don't lose it as they age.

And again, sorry, I shouldn't be deleting spam after midnight, and worse yet, while eating a chocolate pot au creme. The attention tends to go to the pot au creme...which I bought at the grocery store for the equivalent of $2.50, and is better than the dessert you'd get in some of the finest restaurants in America. They might be unrepentant commies here, but they sure do food right. And then some.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 2, 2006 5:26 AM

The definition of a "slut" is anyone who gets laid more than you do! :-)

Posted by: Pirate Jo at November 2, 2006 7:45 AM

Ha ha ha, delurking to comment after I read: "if it starts to feel like being on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, I think it's time to end it" -- amen, sistah!
I did enough WORK on my 1st marriage that I will never ever put myself through that s**t again... It is SO not worth it! And I have flat-out laid this on the line w/hubby #2 (I work hard enough at my day job, thank you very much, I'm not coming home to put in a second and/or third shift!) -- thankfully he seemed to take this quite well!

Posted by: Val at November 3, 2006 7:37 AM

Sorry for the duplicate comments -- I kept on getting an "error" message when I tried to post earlier... (feel free to delete as needed)

Posted by: Val at November 3, 2006 10:18 AM

Very good site. Thanks!


Posted by: 100 links: at December 31, 2006 5:32 PM

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