Hey Amy, I need a job like crazy! Here's my resume:

Lifeguard
- Bartender
- Yoga Teacher
- Big time money launderer in the Jack Abramoff Scandal
- Director of Operations for Scanlon Venture Capital (As in Michael Scanlon)
- Less than average blogger that has just taken a formal two year vow of celibacy...

Pretty good right? You'd be a fool not to hire me!

"There's more, much more, but it's too painful to go into."

Hug.

Thanks, doom. And Brian, interesting resume (and I know you're not kidding about the Abramoff/Scanlon stuff), although why the vow of celibacy? Not having sex is nothing to be proud of -- and I find vows of chastity seriously weird.

Anyway, thanks, but I have an assistant I love. She just got a big part in a movie, so she was gone for a month and I had to hire a sub. Well, I learned my lesson to ask the important questions, the ones that get to "Did you actually learn something in school?" And "Have you heard of Gregor Samsa, Joan Didion, Mammoud Abbas, and the words 'clod' and 'tributary'? A few things/people she hadn't actually heard of." The worst, though, was her weak grasp on logic and reasoning.

Damn! Cool, fair enough...

Vows of celibacy (chastity is too feminine) are weird, extremely weird, but in order to become enlightened, it's a very important and necessary step. It's not something that I'm proud of, it's just something that I wanted to throw in there so that I could get a classic, Amy Alkon style whipping out of you.

I couldn't help it, I only have a few hours left before this vow goes into effect!

Brian

Well, how, exactly, does a vow of chastity help you? What's wrong with fucking? Life is short, the way I see it, get as much of it as you can.

And don't think you're somehow more "moral" because you're not fucking. You're simply not fucking, nothing more, nothing less.

The morality attached to it comes from the irrational belief in god, and antique problems (no birth control way back when, so if somebody fucked and somebody got pregnant, somebody had to pay to raise the brat...and it wasn't going to be the girl's daddy).

I love the idea that Mary was a virgin. As I've said here before, if you're, say, 16, and you get knocked up, what do you tell your father, "It was that hippie, Joseph...or, I dunno, I guess god did it!"?

Poor Amy. You should have told us... or did you? I have a number of bright friends that would have been thrilled to have a cool temp. job like that. And they wouldn't have managed to threaten your health, computer and deadline in a scant month's time.

Let me tackle one thing at a time.

1. How does a vow of chastity help you?

It’s not even close to being a question or an issue of morality. Celibacy is strictly a tool that’s sets a subtle mechanical process into motion.

In order to become enlightened (which I also don’t consider to be a religious or moral thing), I have to preserve my “ojas” (seminal fluid) because my ojas is the only vehicle by which my kundalini (enlightenment producing element) needs to travel up my sushumna (the major tunnel or channel that runs the entire length of the spine), purify all of my chakras (pronounced chockras, not shockras), and then finally make its way all the way up to my sahashrara (the headquarters of enlightenment) and do it’s thing, which is to enlighten my ignorant ass!

By fucking, what I am doing is physically hindering that process. Instead of my seminal fluid (ojas) traveling all the way up from the bottom of my spine (sushumna) to the top of my spine at the sahashrara (headquarters of enlightenment), I’m causing it to stop at my second chakra (my cock and balls), build up, and then I’m literally opening up the hatch and ejecting the whole damn shootin’ match right out the window, so to speak.

By not fucking, I stop hindering the whole process that I just described to you, and now, I actually start to help accelerate it. Now, I understand that all of this only makes sense within my primitive understanding and context of this “enlightenment” thing that I’m talking about, but that’s pretty much the long and short of it.

2. What’s wrong with fucking?

Nothing is wrong with fucking. Do you think I’m happy about having to put off fulfilling my fantasy of having Jessica Biel ride me reverse doggy-style on the balcony of a hotel room at the Viceroy in Santa Monica, for another two more years? I can assure you that I’m not.

Again, this has nothing to do with morality.

3. Life is short, the way I see it, get as much of it as you can.

Whoa… too long. One word: Reincarnation. One sentence: How much sex can one person possibly have, and why do YOU want to have so much of it?

4. Morality

You know what, I’m gonna have to do this on my own blog. There’s too much material to talk about, and I still have to work on my dissection of Abramoff’s reply to your letter.

Thank you for all of this - Brian

Slightly appropos: In my days as a stage producer I was often asked for advice by kids who had graduated from places like Emerson with a Theater Arts degree.
I'd say, "Go get a job. Then come see me in a couple of years."

Some of them had style, but there was no substance.

In order to become enlightened (which I also don’t consider to be a religious or moral thing), I have to preserve my “ojas” (seminal fluid) because my ojas is the only vehicle by which my kundalini (enlightenment producing element) needs to travel up my sushumna (the major tunnel or channel that runs the entire length of the spine), purify all of my chakras (pronounced chockras, not shockras), and then finally make its way all the way up to my sahashrara (the headquarters of enlightenment) and do it’s thing, which is to enlighten my ignorant ass!

In order to become enlightened you have to use your mind. Not spewing boogers, blood, seminal fluid, and the like has nothing to do with it. Sorry, but how can you justify believing in such obvious horseshit?

My prescription: Get your head out of your ass and learn how to think for yourself. Start with the criticalthinking.org link -- order the pamphlets there. Krishnamurti's also good. I highly recommend Freedom From The Known.

Another fantastic book I've recommended before, which should help you understand the brain from a biological perspective, Michael Gazzaniga's The Ethical Brain.

>>In order to become enlightened you have to use your mind. Not spewing boogers, blood, seminal fluid, and the like has nothing to do with it.

I just spewed Chardonnay through my nose. There's no way I could go 2 years- after 2 days my ojas are like shoppers waiting to get into Walmart the day after Thanksgiving.

I just almost spewed coffee through mine hearing about your ojas.

No fluid spewing here (I'm at work, it'd be awkward), but was surprised that someone who presumeably reads this blog (at least more than this current post) would even reply with a lengthy piece of metaphysical woo. Is this woo-trolling? Too much Ojas on the brain? Maybe Fred Phelps will start posting here next, it'd make just about as much sense.