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You Get What You Copay For
I just posted another Advice Goddess column. I'm running off to Cedars, so I'll just put the whole thing up below. The posting in my columns section is here, and should collect more comments.

I’ve been arguing a point with a male friend who’s in a relationship with a very nice woman. His girlfriend got on the birth control patch because they wanted a more reliable method than condoms. She’s just a student, and in their two years together, birth control has set her back $1,140 ($570 a year). She’s been asking him to split the cost of the patch ($35/month) and her yearly checkup to renew it ($150), and he's balking. He feels that since she's the one using it, as opposed to him using condoms, he shouldn't have to help. If you say he should pay, he promises he will. What's the verdict?

--The Mediator

Yes, he correctly notes, “she’s the one using” the birth control patch -- mainly because slapping a medicated sticker with female hormones on his hairy back won’t do much more than increase his bra size from 46AAA to 46B, and maybe make him lactate a little.

So, who was the eighth-grade teacher who forgot to send your friend to summer school to repeat sex ed? Somebody should break the news to him that babies are made by a man and a woman having sexual intercourse, not dropped off by a giant cartoon stork. Maybe once he gets hip to the whole sperm meets egg/egg inflates into baby thing, he’ll come to understand that his girlfriend isn’t wearing the patch as a fashion statement or because it’s a recreational drug and she’s looking to get an estrogen buzz.

What’s more, she isn’t just paying for the patch in dollars and with that day at Disneyland otherwise known as a visit to the gynecologist. Potential “adverse reactions” published by the pharmaceutical company include nausea, vomiting and weight gain; depression, corneal shape-shifting and cerebral hemorrhage; and then there’s yeast infection, loss of scalp hair and hirsutism. While most women use the patch without major side effects, there is a chance his girlfriend could end up bald, with a really big gut and a beard.

Mr. All Play, No Pay may not know there are health risks involved, but the fact that his girlfriend has to beg him to undo the padlock on his wallet is seriously disgusting. As for the princely sum she’s looking to have him chip in, let’s see…it’s $35 a month for the patch, plus the yearly $150 doctor exam ($12.50 per month), which comes to $47.50 a month. Divide that by the two people enjoying pregnancy-free sex, and you get a grand total of $23.75 a month per enjoyer -- a considerable savings over $1,228.08, the average monthly cost, according to a 2005 USDA report, for middle-class parents to raise a child to age 17. In other words, this guy could be getting off cheap, with highly effective child-support prevention for less than a dollar a day. Instead, he’s merely getting off -- while rubbing his girlfriend’s nose in what a tightwad he can be.

My verdict? If you’re sleeping with somebody who quibbles about going halfsies on birth control, you aren’t having sex, you’re getting screwed. And remember, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, “Action is character.” This guy’s actions suggest he’s the kind of boyfriend who’ll always be there for her -- until the chips are down or the check comes. And, who is she? Let’s hope, somebody who finally sees the wisdom in telling him to keep his $23.75 and put it toward a case of Kleenex and a magnum of Vaseline Intensive Care.

Posted by aalkon at March 21, 2007 11:13 AM

Comments

The dude was probably comparing the price of birth control to the price of a blow up doll.

He should get hip to the price of divorce, and appreciate what he's got.

Posted by: doombuggy at March 21, 2007 3:07 PM

Loser. Dan savage has an acronym that's well applied here: DTMFA.

Posted by: justin case at March 21, 2007 4:16 PM

Not to worry, she'll get it on the backend in alimony.

Posted by: Casca at March 21, 2007 4:34 PM

Cheap bastard.

Posted by: Paul Hrissikopoulos at March 22, 2007 7:41 AM


Tell the Mediator to tell this to her friend:

I'm a grandmother. I thought women were only this stupid a generation -- or two -- or three -- ago.

Didn't we teach you girls ANYTHING?????

LISTEN TO ME!!! If a man is cheap, DITCH HIM. Ditch his sorry, cheap ass NOW. Don't go pee first. Ditch him. Don't reach for a Hershey bar. Ditch him. In my twenties, I had girlfriends who died -- DIED -- Bled to @#$%ing death in agony -- from illegal abortions because they were as stupid as this girl is.

You can make your own money, and you can make your own children. Or you can chose to be a poor, pitiful loser. Either he contributes in a BIG way, and considers it a privilege to do so because you are a goddess, or you find somebody else, or you just go it alone, because that's what us goddesses do.

This guy is about two million years behind the times. Lose his sorry ass and get YOUR sorry ass straight, Sweetheart, because, obviously, you're not old enough to date.

Posted by: Susan at March 22, 2007 5:32 PM

"My verdict? If you’re sleeping with somebody who quibbles about going halfsies on birth control, you aren’t having sex, you’re getting screwed. And remember, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, “Action is character.” "

----

Bingo!

I love it.

Posted by: Curtis at March 23, 2007 2:50 PM

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