Every Witch Way But Loose
I just posted another Advice Goddess column. This one's from a woman who suspects her husband, stepdad to two girls from a former relationship, of cheating because he seems to be...a really good dad? Here's an excerpt from my answer:
Crime of the century! Right up there with genocide, roadside bombings, and slapping around old ladies. Go ahead, accuse him, based on all the damning evidence at hand: “Why, you…you…really good dad!”You don’t mention finding lipstick on his collar, or a bill for three hours at a motel. Maybe what’s really getting to you is a crayon you pulled out of his jacket pocket, along with a charge slip from Toys “R” Us. You can get away with accusing him of having an affair with the mom, but it’s a little too Wicked Witch to scream at him for maintaining a relationship with the kids: “Admit it! Admit it! I know you bought her a Happy Meal! And her sister, too!”
Sure, he’s sneaking calls to them. Consider this: Guys sneak beers, and maybe cigarettes, but never broccoli. They don’t usually double back from work to mow the lawn, or tiptoe out in the dead of the night to return library books. But, when decency gets criminalized, the decent get sneaky. Chances are, you made it clear that you weren’t willing to share this guy’s attention, not even with a couple kids. That’s probably what made him pull back to self-preservation mode, the diplomacy of “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt me.”
The whole thing is here.
Sooooooooo....does that mean she'd feel more secure in the relationship if he beat the kids?
RedPretzel in LA at April 11, 2007 10:58 AM
No, it means she doesn't want him spending time on another man's children, when she has designs on making her own children with him, and wants him to give all his attention to THEM.
I could understand if they were his blood, but they aren't.
brian at April 11, 2007 6:34 PM
Whether you or anyone else understands is immaterial. They're important to him. If you love somebody, and don't just want them because you need a void filled in your life, you want them to have what they want, and you don't make them feel like hell for it.
Smart women know that a guy who is good to his mom or stepkids is probably a really good guy. They don't complain about the time spent. They'll be beneficiaries of his good-guyness -- if only they'll leave him be about stuff that matters to him instead of shrewing him to death.
Amy Alkon at April 11, 2007 6:53 PM
I used to think it was all about blood- it's irrelevant...
PS what's going on with this post section???? is it my browser?
eric at April 11, 2007 9:05 PM
"I could understand if they were his blood, but they aren't."
Brian...do the KIDS understand? My husband is stepchildren to my 18- and 20-year-old children, and has been a huge part of their lives for 5 years. If we split up and they lost him completely, they would lose something important and very real to them, and he would be heartbroken too. If he hooked up with another woman who tried to prevent him from maintaining a relationship with his stepchildren, they would all suffer.
Amy's right. If she loved him, she would want his life to be as rich as possible. Seems like she wants him to be a lonely jerk, instead. Can't figure out why she'd want a guy who ditched innocent children because a relationship didn't work out. If she's so insecure about the phone calls, why doesn't she participate in the whole experience and see for herself that it's innocent? Screwy woman. I hope he doesn't have children with her.
Tess at April 12, 2007 4:34 AM
What do you mean, Eric? There are more comments over at the entry -- the link -- where the whole column is posted.
I'm not step anything to my neighbors kids, who are 6 and 3, but I'd have a huge hole in my life if they weren't in it, and I'm sure they'd miss me, too. I've known them their whole lives, and they're a part of mine. And I say that as somebody who's not really "a kid person."
As for "participating in the experience" -- a woman who's jealous of energy he spends on the kids might not be the best influence for them...also, the mother probably knows and might not allow it.
Amy Alkon at April 12, 2007 7:21 AM
The kids were in his life first. He had commitments to them before he had them to her. Blood connection, or lack thereof, are immaterial - she's the johnny-come-lately in this scenario, and as such, she needs to deal. Me, finding out that a guy I was seeing seriously had "dumped" kids who had come, with his acquiescence, to view him as a father figure would serve as a fast deal-breaker. Even if you don't want to have kids yourself with the guy, do you really want someone that incapable of maintaining a commitment when doing so gets a bit challenging? If someone can justify ditching minor children, what on earth will stop him from ditching an adult?
And as for the "blood" thing - do you really think this woman would be more comfortable with the guy calling children who were the living reminder of the fact that he once had sex - multiple times! - with another woman? I'm thinking no.
marion at April 12, 2007 10:14 PM
Leave a comment