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You Could Have Gilbert Gottfried Read You The Collected Works Of Chaucer
Or, via Machines Like Us, you could just crucify yourself like a bunch of asshats in the Phillippines. Karen Lema writes for Reuters:

More than a dozen Filipinos were nailed to crosses and scores more whipped their backs into a bloody pulp on Friday in a gory ritual to mark the death of Jesus Christ.

The voluntary crucifixions in the northern Philippines were the most extreme displays of religious devotion in this mainly Catholic country, where millions are praying and fasting ahead of the Easter weekend.

In the small village of Cutud, about 80 km (50 miles) north of Manila, seven men cried out as nails the size of pencils were driven into their hands and feet before they were hoisted up in the scorching heat.

Up to 20,000 people watched the spectacle, which has grown from a village production started in 1962 to a media and tourist attraction copied in other parts of the country.

The atmosphere was festive, with hawkers selling beer, ice-cream and souvenir whips. Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" blared out from speakers before the penitents approached the crosses.

If you find cruxifiction and arranging Gottfried too painful and/or inconvenient, check out this link: everything you never wanted to know about "Stairway to Heaven."

Posted by aalkon at April 7, 2007 12:35 AM


First of all you're a little young for that. Secondly, you had to be told that Jimi Hendrix didn't hire a good guitar player. (Clapton did, but that was later, and it's not germane anyway.)

Therefore, there's an 88.16% probability that Gregg turned you on to the Zeppelin link.

Posted by: Crid at April 7, 2007 7:34 AM

Torture-porn is the latest thing! 'Saw', 'Hostel', etc. and who can forget Mel Gibson's generous contribution to the genre? Kind of S&M of them. They probably have a chubby the whole time. I guess sex is only OK if there's pain involved?

Posted by: Chrissy at April 7, 2007 7:45 AM

Actually, I Googled it. Let's just say I'm not exactly a Hendrix scholar and leave it at that!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at April 7, 2007 7:58 AM

These are the lasting effects of Spain's colonization, you know (joking!). My good friend Angel Velasco Shaw made a film about crucifictions in the Phillipines back in the early 90s:

Posted by: Lena at April 7, 2007 9:59 AM

At least the nonsense that goes on the Philippines is an actual historic event, unlike the cruciFICTION of our invisible, imaginary friend JC. The greatest scam of all time continues to rake in BILLIONS of dollars every year. Hey, at least it pumps a few tourist bucks into the Philippines; they sure need extra money to support their large families and perpetuate the cycle of poverty.

Posted by: Bill Henry at April 7, 2007 2:20 PM

Time for me to shill one of the greatest adult comic series of all time, Preacher. It doesn't directly lampoon religion, but attacks God himself, making Him the antagonist.

Posted by: Dave at April 7, 2007 5:38 PM

The sad thing about this entire spectacle is that they feel they are honoring God/Jesus when they really miss the point of the whole crucifixion. Jesus was crucified, as opposed to some other form of execution, because he was not a Roman citizen. Crucifixion was the worst execution that the Romas had. Also, people who believe they must flog themselves and do physical penance completely misinterpret Jesus's sacrifice. Jesus never intended for anyone to be harmed in his name. Easter is a beautiful holiday because it reminds us that there is more to life than this lifetime. Because Jeasus, died and rose, we, too, get to rise and go to heaven as long as we believe.

This totally sounds like I am one of those crazy Texas evangelicals. I am so not. I do believe in God and Jesus (although I struggled with believing in Jesus for years.) As for believing in God, the sheer wonder of the world and all the scientific discoveries that we have found make me think that there has to be some sort of higher power. Evolution is a most brilliant plan, surely, something is behind it.

Anyways, Amy, love the column. You run in our weekly alternative here about once a month. I've bugged them about running you every week.

Posted by: Amy at April 9, 2007 12:02 PM

We have a lot of Filipino immigrants here on Guam, and the island, as a whole, is OVERWHELMINGLY Catholic. Every year, hordes of people lash themselves to crosses and march up the highest mountain on Guam, stopping halfway up at a shrine to the Virgin Mary carved out of the limestone in the jungle. Self-flagellation is such an accepted part of this's not a "tourist" draw or anything like that, it's something they believe is their "duty" to experience. Anyway. It sure led to an interesting debate in my Philosophy class at UOG yesterday... ;) (oh, sorry, Amy, I know you hate emoticons!)

Posted by: Sarah at April 10, 2007 3:12 AM

Maybe they should open dungeons in the basements of all Catholic churches and hire Dominatrix-Priestesses to torture believers. They would, of course, have to pay the church for this privilege. It would be a great way for the church to get even richer! (they will also, of course, have to pay me to use my idea)

Posted by: Chrissy at April 11, 2007 9:47 AM

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