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Crime Scene Cleanup Needed


Under this pile of phone books is a bug -- or what remains of a bug -- about the size of my car. I don't know what it was. From research I did on Google, it's possible it was a pseudoscorpion or a potato bug. But, I came out yesterday afternoon when Lucy was barking at it. It was so terrifyingly huge, all I could think of to do to it -- all that was within my girly realm of capabilities when it comes to giant, brontosaurus-like insects -- was drop a phone book on it and then jump on the phone book. Go ahead and laugh. I'm sure I looked completely idiotic.

The crime scene cleaner also known as Gregg will be over later with a humanitarian gourmet food delivery and to watch the finale of 24. Until then, I'm stepping around the phone books, and hoping the thing isn't like a cockroach, as I think cockroaches can flatten themselves out and squeeze through improbable areas.

Posted by aalkon at May 21, 2007 1:58 PM


>> all that was within my girly realm of capabilities...

Couldn't you just have walked around it? You know he/she is going to show up on your Kharma...

Posted by: eric at May 21, 2007 8:29 AM

Luckily, I don't believe in karma. I don't like to kill things unnecessarily -- I don't kill spiders, for example; I just take them outside. But, on a spider scale, this thing was a post-nuclear tarantula.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at May 21, 2007 8:34 AM

My chihuahua kills bugs. She bats 'em around with her paws until they are disabled or dead. And then if I try to take them away from her, she gets really mad.

Posted by: MissPinkKate at May 21, 2007 9:04 AM

Lucy is a failure as a dog, but very cute, amusing, and portable. She menaces flies, and occasionally fights me for the pillow, but that's about as good as it gets.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at May 21, 2007 9:09 AM

Out here any dog less than 15 pounds is referred to as "owl-chow".

Posted by: eric at May 21, 2007 9:58 AM

After a hawk sat on my gate one day, I didn't let Lucy out alone for a month.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at May 21, 2007 10:03 AM

Good move, leaving the phone books on top of the remains.

Way back in my grad school days, I came home from the bars one morning about two. On my doorstep was a palmetto bug--a huge wingless cockroach that infests that part of Florida and maybe the whole Coastal South. I casually crushed it with my foot and went inside.

Next day when I stepped outside on my way to class, that palmetto bug was still there, with its exoskeleton wrecked, its body glued to the concrete by its drying internal fluids, but its legs still moving inefectually! A six-legged zombie!

This time I ground it underfoot and buried it in the soil under the azalea, to fertilize it.

Posted by: Axman at May 21, 2007 12:49 PM

Have any of you seen my mom?

Posted by: cuteybug at May 21, 2007 1:51 PM

Very funny.

And for this thing, you'll need a wood-chipper. Or rather, Gregg will. Maybe a chain saw will do?

Posted by: Amy Alkon at May 21, 2007 2:28 PM


You may be able to use the poster on this page to identify the bug, or where it originally came from.

Do any of those look familiar?

Posted by: jerry at May 21, 2007 3:15 PM

Bummer. Was hoping for a Gregg-penned post mortem this Tuesday morning.

Posted by: snakeman99 at May 22, 2007 9:38 AM

Amy's bug is a Jerusalem Cricket. Nasty little bugger. Bites too.

Posted by: Gregg Sutter at May 22, 2007 12:45 PM

Do it Lauderdale-style:

The phrase that made this document famous is "The anus is unremarkable."

Posted by: Crid at May 22, 2007 1:24 PM

At first glance I thought the "crime" to which you referred was the inordinate pile of throwaway papers, circulars, phone books and the like that accumulate daily on front steps and in driveways. A huge waste of resources, largely unwanted, and only slightly less annoying than huge bugs. Only slightly. My aunt had an infestation of those crickets when I was a child. They are fearless and can leap like nothing I've ever seen.

Posted by: bev at May 22, 2007 5:48 PM

I came across a Jerusalem Cricket on the sidewalk one night in Echo Park a few months ago. I thought it was very cool looking.

The photo reminds of a huge cockroach in my kitchen in Brooklyn years ago. I was very stoned and threw a phone book at it. Ten minutes later I came back into the kitchen, and the little fucker was dragging his flattened ass across the floor. I was very impressed by his fighting spirit, so I offered him a bong hit.

Posted by: Lena at May 23, 2007 7:00 AM

'The phrase that made this document famous is "The anus is unremarkable."'

I've seen remarkable anuses up close and personal, Crid. That's an experience you should feel free to skip.

Posted by: Lena at May 23, 2007 7:34 AM

Um.. OK. I just wanted Snakeman to get the full report.

Posted by: Crid at May 23, 2007 7:53 AM

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