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Or Just Drive By, Open Your Wallet, And Let The Dollar Bills Blow Away


I guess, after "How To Pick Up Girls" (and my favorite part, "have THEM call YOU") you graduate to "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers." Here's some of what you'll learn!

* How to get "free" table dances and how to get her to show you her "bush."
* How to talk to topless dancers and opening lines that really capture her attention and make her desire you.
* How to successfully give out your phone number to dancers. This method works like crazy.
* The best days of the week for you to pick up topless dancers and which two nights to avoid.
* Why it's much easier to take advantage of the young and inexperienced topless dancer.

But, wait, there's more...from The Onion's "Hot Sexy Girls Waiting To Talk To Guys Just Like You":

VAN NUYS, CA—According to an announcement broadcast on late-night cable television Saturday, hot sexy girls are, at this very moment, waiting to talk to guys just like you.

..."These girls aren't looking for just any guys," Hegl said. "They are interested in a certain type of guy, namely, guys who have working touch-tone telephones and possess the motor skills necessary to dial a phone number off their television screen into the aforementioned telephone without error."

...Chat-Time employee and hot sexy girl Candi Lux agreed with Hegl's assessment. "I just love talking to guys who have cable TV and watch it late at night," she said, reclining in a bubble bath. "I just find it so attractive when they watch a phone number come up on the bottom of their screen and then dial it."

And finally, here's "How To Annoy Women Into Fucking You":

photo by Gregg Sutter

Posted by aalkon at August 5, 2007 1:15 PM


Loompanics had a hilarious book called something like "How to get an underage girlfriend". One of it's bullet points was "How to recognize a cock teaser, then use her to meet her friends, who may be interested in you".

And no, I didn't order the book, I saw it in a catalog for pete's sake.

Posted by: Todd Fletcher at August 5, 2007 9:10 AM

Todd, you've got to start reading better catalogs!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 5, 2007 9:27 AM

I don't hate those mimes, I envy them. I wish I had the confidence to walk up to a beautiful woman on the street and talk to her. Maybe I need to wear white face or my Darth Vader mask to hide my blushing.

Posted by: Kyle at August 5, 2007 3:32 PM

Kyle, just do it. Don't be attached to the outcome. But, actually, the street is the worst place to talk to women, as women have much less muscle mass than men and have good reason to fear strangers.

A woman rejecting you isn't a sign that you're a turd with legs, simply a sign that you need to ask somebody else. Read "A Guide To Rational Living" by Albert Ellis. He couldn't get a girl so he asked out 100 girls at the Bronx Botannical Garden. 99 said no. One said yes, but stood him up. But, in the process, he overcame his shyness. He gives further tips for doing so in the book. Here's the link to it on Amazon:

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 5, 2007 4:45 PM

Than Loompanics? Sorry, that is the best catalog of all time.

Posted by: rusty wilson at August 6, 2007 7:19 AM

Posted by: rusty wilson at August 6, 2007 12:11 PM

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