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Wok On The Wild Side
Just posted another Advice Goddess column, from a guy who seems to have cornered the market on self-pity:

Seven years ago, my wife of 11 years left me and married my moneybags boss. Next, my girlfriend dumped me for my wealthy friend. Then, a different girlfriend left me to marry my best friend. Another girlfriend realized she was a lesbian; another couldn’t say “I love you” back. Although I was a struggling grad student when my wife and girlfriend ditched me for rich guys, I now have a prestigious job and a large income. (The woman who dumped me for my wealthy friend mysteriously came groveling back when I got money.) I’m a sensitive guy with a lot of love to give, but I’ve been hurt so badly, I feel safest home alone with Chinese take-out. How can I overcome my fears before I die of loneliness?

--Most Likely To Be Left

My answer starts out:

You’re looking for Action! Adventure! Romance! To ride the rapids of love -- with all the drama and suspense of a nice warm soak in the bathtub; or, in action/adventure terms, something more “Die Hard With A Plush Stuffed Bunny” than “With A Vengeance.”

The rest, including comments, is here. Here's a bit of one I left:

I hate when people say a marriage or relationship that ends is a "failed relationship." Not necessarily. If it was good while it lasted, you had a successful relationship. It's our standards, and people's expectations vis a vis reality that are out of line.

Posted by aalkon at August 22, 2007 6:02 AM

Comments

A relationship that ends I agree isn't always a failed relationship. If they don't end then new ones can't begin. I don't agree with the marriage ending and it not being a failed marriage. The whole till death do us part thing. I'm assuming one went into the whole thing with these intentions. The people involved did not finish the contract thus a failed contract. Similar to when the bank forecloses on your house, you failed the mortgage contract.

Now I know that marriage is a hotly contested subject here. Like when some one used a different C word and Amy rightfully so jumped down his throat. I know the love and honor thing works but shit after three years were still both working out how the obey thing works. Lucky for us Russian orthodox (my churches branch) leave the obey thing out of the ceremony. Though anyone who's been to one of these knows why the priest has the nick name Womb blesser 3000.

Mostly likely to be left appears to be that nice guy I was once many years ago. Having been treated badly by the fairer sex and not being gay (wow that would have made life much easier) I learned. I have tried not to become too bitter with women, but just the right touch of ice fisted ass hole goes a long way. Excluding one glaring exception none of my or her female friends want a door mat. Men who are door mats are, well door mats use them until they get stale and out they go.

He should try something so far removed from "the nice guy" as to shock his system. I'd say take a grad level womens studies course and show up in the wrong t-shirt, wear a cup and kevlar might not be a bad idea. Should inject enough ass holean morphine the medics are carrying.

Posted by: vlad at August 22, 2007 6:46 AM

> Not necessarily.

You're arguing against human nature. Truth is tha ta lot of people, women especially, want to have bonds with people that last a lifetime. This is not just some problem for the little people. Read some Bowlby.

Posted by: Crid at August 22, 2007 7:34 AM

Yes, and those women are ready-made to have bonds with people that last a lifetime. Those people are called children.

And thanks, I've read Bowlby, and Ainsworth, too!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 22, 2007 7:47 AM

Bowlby and Ainsworth's Attachment Theory smacks of Freudianism to me; that is, overthinking simple things like the fact that it is nice to be around people who are nice to you. You can accuse someone of being afraid of committment (or whatever) and send them off to therapy hoping that they'll come back repaired or you can get it through your head that they just want to commit with somebody who isn't you.

Posted by: martin at August 22, 2007 9:26 AM

>> I now have a prestigious job and a large income. (The woman who dumped me for my wealthy friend mysteriously came groveling back when I got money.) I’m a sensitive guy with a lot of love to give, but I’ve been hurt so badly, I feel safest home alone with Chinese take-out.

To quote Al Pacino, "I don't know whether to shoot you or adopt you."

Posted by: eric at August 22, 2007 9:29 AM

Actually, while I don't have time to get into this in detail, I believe "insecure attachment," etc. is real.

GREAT quote Eric. I think I might have to steal that for a column, although, with the current level of humorlessness and literalthink I experience, it may mean trouble.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 22, 2007 12:01 PM

That was from the film "Scent of a Woman"... I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it.

Posted by: eric at August 22, 2007 5:46 PM

I have seen it, but I have a mind like a steel sieve.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 23, 2007 2:26 AM

TO: Some Guy
RE: Fear Not

"I’ve been hurt so badly, I feel safest home alone with Chinese take-out. How can I overcome my fears before I die of loneliness?" -- Some Guy

Considering what Amy passed on from you, I'd be certain my heart was perfectly armored and stashed away before I brought your former back into MY life; if I were you.

As the old adage goes, you can never go home again. Especially after the arsonist has destroyed it.

Been there. Done that. And, as of last week, looking over the smoldering ruins of the lives of my eldest daughter's marriage. Ruined by a divorce of 23 years ago.

Thank YOU, Sharon....for all the damage you've done to FOUR families, over two generations, now. Hope you've 'learned' something from it.

Say hello to Fred, the next time you meet him...probably in your divorce court proceedings.

Regards,

Chuck(le)
P.S. I forgive you. But what God does about this mess is between you and Him.

Posted by: Chuck Pelto at August 26, 2007 12:26 PM

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