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I Really Just Need A Housekeeper
But this came in over the e-transom Monday night, subject-lined "DO YOU NEED A SLAVE TO SERVE YOU MASTER ? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The e-mail follows:

Hello Master, My name is rita, i am a sex and domestic slave willing to serve a master, i am a submissive slave ready to serve diligently in my life without no hesitation. my name is what my master wishes to call me, i have been in this life style while i was very young and i enjoy it so much that i never want to think of the alternate life. I remain the property of any master that own me and all my right shall be for my master, he shall decide what i will eat how to eat and what am to wear, he shall be my commander and i shall be follower to obey him so much in my life. i am a slave with no limits thou i have somethings that i will want my master to agree with me before taking me as his slave, i will not want master to kill me, sexually transmitted diseases will not want to be involved,fire play, breath play, needles, i will be so glad if am not made to do all this but all other thing i am open to it and also will want to give trial am a slave that is willing to learn and i wish to meet a master that will make mne grow so much in this life style so i be a very good slave, i can also be used as a toilet slave, humiliated,degrading,used, all my 3 holes shall be for my master and i will have no right to use any without my masters permission. My desire will be what to please my master and not what to please me i will like to read back from you and if you will take me as your pet slave to be used. I am free and ready to serve you. Little one Rita

The truth is, my late Advice Lady partner Marlowe and I once had a servant in New York. We were on our last change purse of dimes, splitting an order of eggs benedict, when we collectively realized, "We're witty, we're charming, people should buy us dinner." We put an ad in the paper, "Amusing Dinner Companions Available: Two beautiful, interesting creative women available for dinner and witty conversation. You buy dinner, we provide the rest."

We were deluged with calls. We could've eaten out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for months, but we just went on a couple dinners a week with the most interesting ones -- and even ended up bringing a poor composer dinner when he said he wanted to meet us but was too low on cash to take us out. Somehow, I ended up leaving with a pair of his Calvin Klein underwear, which I still have, and which I wore to the gym for years. And even more strangely, there was no nudity involved the evening he gave us the underwear.

A few weeks later, we got the call from the guy who just wanted to serve. It was fun for a while -- we used to have him pick us and our friends up and drive us all to parties (at one, Marlowe made him wear a nametag, "Hello, My Name Is: Worthless"), and he even offered to pick up Marlowe's dry cleaning and pay for it. All we had to do was yell at him: "You little worm!" Well, for starters.

It turned out that we weren't really up to his standards of degradation. He complained that we weren't like his previous mistresses, like one who'd throw a ball across the floor and make him crawl on all fours and retrieve it in his teeth (we, on the other hand, wouldn't even let him into Marlowe's apartment). Oh yeah...did I mention that she'd finish off their little game of fetch by peeing on him?

Uh, yes, Kenneth, we'd be happy to give you a reference. Marlowe found herself doing that one day when I was out of town. And just like that, we were back to taking cabs and the subway, with just the ordinary under-the-breath snarling at the other passengers.

Posted by aalkon at November 6, 2007 10:05 AM


I've never understood the piss fetish and doubt I ever will.

It's been a topic on various shows, including Sex and the City. Sure, it's a way to degrade someone, to make them feel worthless. I see how a person who feels like s/he is degrading in real life might enjoy degrading someone else in a role play. But, when all is said and done it's just fucking gross.

Posted by: Gretchen at November 6, 2007 5:37 AM

I wonder what Rita would think if a late-thirtysomething woman offered to take her in. Oh I'd have some rules for her alright. First, yes, she'd have to keep my house clean and take my little dog outside at lunchtime. Secondly, she'd have to go to school and get good grades. (Work on writing and spelling first, complete with proper punctuation.) Thirdly, no boys or drugs. If she's so into obeying orders, wonder what she'd think if I ordered her to respect herself and learn financial self-sufficience.

Posted by: Pirate Jo at November 6, 2007 6:18 AM

Submissive guys are way too much work! They nitpick everything you do, and want your attention all the time. I got tired of them pretty fast.

I bet Rita would be the same way. Everything would have to be on her terms.

Posted by: Chrissy at November 6, 2007 6:27 AM

I bet Rita would be the same way. Everything would have to be on her terms.

Ah, well then who's really the master here? o_O

Posted by: Flynne at November 6, 2007 6:46 AM

Thanks for making my day Amy. That may be the funniest anecdote you've ever posted. And that is saying a lot!
Your story made me think of a recent conversation I had with a female friend who insisted that men and women have similar sex drives. With stories like yours floating around, how in the world could anyone think such a thing?
It seems that just about every healthy young woman has far more sexual opportunities than she would even be inclined to exploit.

Posted by: Jamie B. at November 6, 2007 6:57 AM

Heh're welcome.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 6, 2007 7:20 AM

Masochist: "Beat me!"
Sadist: "No."

Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at November 6, 2007 7:42 AM

Hey, I'm all for ruthless sexual domination but somebody needs to educate the Ritas of the world in the proper usage of the shift key. It always makes me feel like such a pedophile.

Posted by: Paul Hrissikopoulos at November 6, 2007 8:08 AM

all my 3 holes shall be for my master

5 more "slaves" and you'd have a golf course!


Posted by: RedPretzel in LA at November 6, 2007 8:26 AM

Pirate Jo:

"...(Work on writing and spelling first, complete with proper punctuation.)..."


"...somebody needs to educate the Ritas of the world in the proper usage of the shift key..."

Love it.

Posted by: doombuggy at November 6, 2007 11:07 AM

Oh, hey, Pirate Jo beat me to the punch! Too bad my supermassive ego can't be bothered to actually read other people's comments unless my name appears somewhere within them. Though I have to say that's a pretty hot scene you're planning for Rita, PJ. If you throw in a shiny latex nun's habit for yourself I suspect you might just get greenlit.

Posted by: Paul Hrissikopoulos at November 6, 2007 1:11 PM

"i have been in this life style while i was very young"

Did that line not frighten anyone?

Posted by: kg at November 6, 2007 1:12 PM

I've prattled on about this a lot, but on Loveline they used to be able to gauge the year in which a troubled young phone caller's life turned to shit by the pitch of her voice. Their accuracy was stunning. When a grown woman sounds like a six year old, either Dad left home or a neighbor molested her during first grade. (Eight year old / third grade, etc.)

It's called the Little Girl Voice, and it only works for women... Some kind of feminine development stops cold when threatened so grievously. I've tried (silently) guessing the year on blind dates twice and it's worked both times (bitter parental divorces). Of course, to predators these are the keys to the kingdom, because these are women who expect bad things to happen. Marilyn Monroe and Betty Boop weren't really all that cute.

You can scour the internet for clues, but most Google hits will send you back to the teenage radio show. I can't understand why someone hasn't turned this into a PhD thesis, if not a bestseller.

Anyway, maybe "little one rita" types in lowercase as the internet version of the same phenomenon.

Of course, they say that's how Dubya Bush used to type his emails, too.

Posted by: Crid at November 6, 2007 10:26 PM

Well, the melodramatic lowercase pronouns are standard digital hanky code for "overzealous bottom" the world wide, but perhaps the tortured comma splicing and crippled plural sense reek of some sort of arrested development.

Posted by: Paul Hrissikopoulos at November 7, 2007 3:45 PM

Given her dislike for capitals, Rita (or rita) might be more comfortable as a Gorean slave.

Posted by: Jessica at November 7, 2007 4:13 PM

Rita's capitalization is absolutely correct. It is common usage in the BDSM scene for submissives to write "I" and their name in lowercase.

Posted by: Theodor at November 7, 2007 5:39 PM

BDSMers think we hate them for being daring and transgressive; we actually hate them for being mundane and clerklike.

Posted by: Crid at November 7, 2007 10:18 PM

:::earworm alert:::

I'm a bookkeeper's son
I don't want to hurt no one


Posted by: Flynne at November 8, 2007 5:46 AM

Hi rita i Am akash i want you to be my slave. it is better for you to mention your contact details or contact me through my E-mail i want to use you in place of my toilet

Posted by: akash at November 12, 2007 9:20 AM

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