Advice Goddess Blog

A Single Parent And His Poor, Lonely Penis

| | Comments (26)

A Single Parent And His Poor, Lonely Penis
Single largest source of hate mail for this month comes from The Entitled Single Parent. He and others of his ilk think they're entitled to have the widest possible pool of hot, young dates to choose from -- and never mind the children and ex-wives they've got running around.

According to my hate mail, those single people on the dating scene who aren't rah-rah-rah about the single parent's whole package -- kids, ex-wives, and all -- are "shallow," "horrible," and lacking in "compassion." (As am I, apparently, for even suggesting that maybe, possibly, the kids should come first.)

I just posted the Advice Goddess column behind the hate mail, Doodie Calls, a reply to a letter from "Single Dad," who wrote:

Your advice for the 25-year-old woman who didn’t want to get involved with a guy with a daughter was disgustingly shallow. In supporting her not wanting to date single dads you’re saying, yes, segregate single parents, remove them from the dating pool! Yes, how dare they try to pass themselves off as people first, not as potentially inadequate mates due to being broke, having the psycho ex, and the bedwetting child?! Here’s advice for you: Compassion. It's developed by seeing and sharing life. Try getting out of the shallow end of the humanity pool and seeing the wider world of relationships!

My response starts like this:

Tragically, it seems you’ve lost your all-access pass to the dating pool.

Unlike when you were in nursery school, and teachers aides saw that every kid got the exact same allotment of Jelly Bellys, advice columnists are not standing outside bars making sure everybody leaves with a smiley sticker and a hot 25-year-old. Grownup life is harsh. Actions have consequences. Sorry to bring down the giant fly swatter on your free-floating sense of entitlement, but you gave up your Romeo status the day you let Tommy Trouser Snake out to play without his raincoat.

Parents aren’t people first. They’re parents first. Here in “the shallow end of the humanity pool,” this means the parental agenda precedes all other agendas, as it should. In other words, you’re a wee bit more likely than the single, 25-year-old stud boy to have your date interrupted by a frantic call from the neighbors: “Little Sprogly’s shot the babysitter with the staple gun!”

Now, unless your ex died or ran off with the UPS man, or you worked a deal for some neighbor lady to be the oven for your bun, chances are you’re not just a single dad, but a divorced dad. There is this notion of “the good divorce,” but is there really such a thing? There are better divorces and worse divorces, and there are couples who aren’t doing their kids any favors by staying together and continuing to chase each other around with an ax.

But, let’s be real, even if you aren’t alimony-bled, with a psycho ex-wife and a 15-year-old who’s suddenly wetting the bed, divorce doesn’t exactly simplify a guy’s life or leave a trail of rose petals and cupcakes in its wake. The girl in question, who admitted she wasn’t ready to handle a guy with a kid, could have a boyfriend whose only real distraction is getting his motorcycle rechromed. Or she could have you. So…if you were her, which would you choose? Assuming you’re looking for a boyfriend, not looking to become a one-woman chapter of the Salvation Army. >>cont'd>>

The rest is here, as are a lot of comments.

And oh, to all the nitwits who took the leap that this column is evidence that I hate single dads and men, I'd give exactly the same response if he were a single mother, except that I'd probably make a crack about her diaphragm in place of the bit about Tommy Trouser Snake.

And P.S. If you're going to attack somebody for being anti-male, I'm probably not your girl.