Are We Sure Women Aren't Too Fragile To Have The Vote?
Dear every woman who finds it odious that she might have to tell somebody she doesn't want company,
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) October 12, 2019
It is sometimes necessary as a grownass adult to make your needs known instead of expecting others to guess.
Sincerely, Amy Alkon, assertive person https://t.co/KTj4xLU8Uz
More along these lines -- but from the other side. Really terrible what's happened to a lonely, awkward young man who looked up on the Internet what you need to do to make friends.
Lenore Skenazy writes at Reason:
Last fall, in Manchester, England, an awkward 19-year-old male student touched a 17-year-old female classmate's arm on the street during the daytime. He later said he had wanted to make a friend.This rattled the young woman so much that she went to the police. Now the young man is facing possible jail time and could be placed on the sex offense registry.
...Unbearably lonely, he told the magistrate, he googled "how to make a friend." It was good to start off with a joke, he read, and decided to give it a try.
"I went to touch her arm to start a conversation and she just walked off," he said. "My intention was to make a friend. All my friends had left. I was lonely. I just wanted to speak to someone," Except, he explained, "The words just didn't come out."
What she read as a smirk he says he intended as a friendly smile. As for the physical contact? "Touching someone's arm to get their attention, I would have thought was normal," he said.
Normal or not, touching someone in public, on their arm or on their waist, does not seem to rise to the level of sexual assault. Just because something is abnormal or upsetting doesn't mean it's a crime.
The magistrates in Manchester disagree. Griffiths now faces a possible maximum sentence of ten years in jail and registry as a sex offender.
It is indeed hard to make friends, or interact with other people at all, if awkward but brief encounters like this are considered criminal behavior.
What's now criminal is being male. All you need to be is male and accused of something, whether or not it fits any definition of a crime. It sounds unbelievable, but it's increasingly the case.
Evidently, former beauty queen Mallory Hagan (whom I've never even heard of until I looked her up just now), who's closing in fast on 31, needs to reassure the world that she's still desirable.
"Oh, why, oh, why! Why must men always try to speak to me in bars?"
I'm reminded of a letter Amy responded to with a discussion about warning labels. You pick up a can of mixed nuts and it says, "Warning: contains nuts." Or a package of cheese that says, "Warning: contains dairy."
Evidently, the LW (who could have been Mallory Hagan) needs a warning label on bars: "Warning: contains drunks."
Patrick at October 12, 2019 2:43 AM
Both men and women are responsible.
Women: don’t waste a man’s time by not being clear. Some men are obtuse and need to be told directly. Tell him quickly before he spend time or money. He is more likely to leave if he has less invested.
Men: look for signals. Is she looking away: looking at a watch, her phone, around the room. She’s not into you. If she is busy three times in a row, cease contact. If you have made a mistake and she really was that busy and could never make a date, it will be on her to make her interest obvious. She can ask you out or walk over to you and re-engage with copious eye contact and frequent touching.
Jen at October 12, 2019 4:33 AM
I love that she posted a second tweet to insist she's "assertive" and I'm "mean."
Ladies who cannot stand the fray on Twitter should be seen, not heard, and only click to "like" cute otter photos and cat memes.
Amy Alkon at October 12, 2019 6:59 AM
If you have to tell us you're assertive, it means you're trying to rationalize the fact that you're obnoxious. There's a difference. Like power and honor, if you have to tell us you have them, you don't. We'll know if you're assertive; and we'll know if you're obnoxious.
As for being approached when you're sitting at a bar, don't go to those bars. Go to drinkin' alone bars. Those bars are dirty, dingy, dark, and dank, probably not the kind of place a former beauty queen wants to go.
Conan the Grammarian at October 12, 2019 7:17 AM
Mallory needs to freshen up her own self awareness; because she does NOT speak for ALL women.
And, what she most likely means is that only guys that SHE is interested in should speak to her. Perhaps she should wear a sign: "only speak to me if *I* would consider you a 10."
That should make everyone happy.
charles at October 12, 2019 9:00 AM
As to Mallory's tweet: this is the common complain men have, that they are expected to be mind-readers. A woman alone at a bar is in fact sometimes looking for a guy. Men may go drink alone but women less likely.
As to the poor guy in England: they have lost their minds in that country. You are not allowed to defend yourself even if you are being beat to death or your wife is being raped in front of you. They are trying to confiscate all knives. And a touch on the arm is the same as rape. yikes
cc at October 12, 2019 10:27 AM
I wonder if the "awkward 19-year-old male student" would be accused of a crime if he were handsome and charming.
Seems like his crime was "being a dork and not knowing his place."
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at October 12, 2019 10:42 AM
Here's what happens in the U.S.
Touching strangers' hands on an escalator:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO0LAeR9ZkU
Ken R at October 12, 2019 10:53 AM
Touching strangers' hands in the U.S., both male and female:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlBkNU4Y01Q
Ken R at October 12, 2019 10:56 AM
England seems to be an insane place. I keep reading about people getting in trouble for the most trivial things.
But putting male rapists in female prisons... now THAT is totally cool and a human right!
NicoleK at October 12, 2019 11:43 AM
England seems to be an insane place. I keep reading about people getting in trouble for the most trivial things.
But putting male rapists in female prisons... now THAT is totally cool and a human right!
NicoleK at October 12, 2019 11:45 AM
And, what she most likely means is that only guys that SHE is interested in should speak to her. Perhaps she should wear a sign: "only speak to me if *I* would consider you a 10."
That's precisely what I was thinking, Charles. "Well, what kind of guy would bother you when you so obviously wished to be alone?" "THE WRONG GUY!!!"
mpetrie98 at October 12, 2019 3:22 PM
Seems like his crime was "being a dork and not knowing his place."
Yep. #DoubleStandard
mpetrie98 at October 12, 2019 3:24 PM
As for Amy's original question (in title), pearl-clutching snowflakes of both sexes (pardon my biggitry) and regardless of political party should tear up their voter cards and stay the heck home on Nov. 3, 2020.
mpetrie98 at October 12, 2019 3:27 PM
Ahem. Is this the same woman who
• insists she is "empowered"
• insists that others victimize her #metoo
• is a reason for us to lower standards to let her serve in the military?
Reasoning Deficit Disorder.
Radwaste at October 12, 2019 3:40 PM
Here's a response to Mallory's suggestion that is perhaps the worst idea ever.
He writes:
Now, suppose Mallory has her coaster out, but doesn't like the first guy who sits down with her and tries to chat her up. She just lost her first and best excuse to make the guy leave.
"I want to be alone," she'd say.
"Hey, you had the coaster out, you stuck-up bitch! What's the matter? Am I not good enough for you?"
Patrick at October 12, 2019 7:12 PM
Yeah, I've given up on talking to women. It's not worth the risk anymore-- and really hasn't been for the past 20 years. If they approach me, I'll give it a shot. Otherwise, nope.
Kent McManigal at October 12, 2019 8:16 PM
Dear Kent McManigal,
A very old but still very curious woman asks how many times you have been approached in the past 20 years. Also, I am not sure what you mean by "worth the risk". The risk of what? Have women treated you so badly that you have given up?
What surprises me is the lack of understanding in most men that if a woman smiles at you, she is not likely to be nasty if you simply approach her. No smile, no approach.
Also remember that a very beautiful woman who has a brain in her pretty head is looking for a man who knows this.
Grandma Elizabeth at October 13, 2019 12:34 AM
> Men: look for signals. Is
> she looking away: looking
> at a watch, her phone,
> around the room.
No. This comment it a mess.
Most importantly, it unwittingly & with no appreciation for irony countermands Amy's precise point. Men approaching you, whether to eventually be greeted warmly or turned away, aren't interested in your bashful psychographic daydreams. Your fantasies, no matter how detailed or self-gratifying in their conclusion, are not of interest and will be rightly ignored.
> No smile, no approach.
This is pathetic. These are little girls, and deliberately oblivious, and dreaming up answers to questions that no one's asking.
Every now and then but often enough to deserve better respect, Amy Alkon does a blog post to demonstrate that she comprehends the challenges of human adulthood and civilization in a fundamental way, as others do not. Specifically, she realizes that she doesn't get to write the rules of public courtesy.
Crid at October 13, 2019 1:48 AM
A quick google of "women killed for rejecting men" will clarify the confusion about why many women don't just shoot guys down if they aren't interested.
Guys, stop wishing women would all just be frank and turn you down. Many aren't going to. Like it would be great if we lived in a magical land where that happened all the time, but we don't. Women tend to avoid direct confrontation and situations that might make strangers mad. If you are upset about it, take it up with the guys who get mad when women reject them, since these guys are ruining it for the rest of you.
The reality is yeah, you do have to try and read body language and signals and such if you don't want to waste your time annoying someone who isn't interested in you.
NicoleK at October 13, 2019 5:22 AM
I think both genders dream of a world where these challenges are simple & comfy and the outcomes are flattering.
In Western modernity, these encounters are going about as well as they possibly can. Ours is the Alkon galaxy in the constellation Paglia. You'll need a thick skin and sharp eye and courage, no matter what.
Crid at October 13, 2019 5:59 AM
To what NicoleK said, I would add:
Miss Manners wrote: "A lady does not give reasons for not being accessible to a particular gentleman. She doesn`t explain why she won`t go out with him, she doesn`t explain why she won`t marry him and she doesn`t explain why she won`t do anything in between.
"The very notion that every lady would yield, if she didn`t have a compelling reason not to, is insulting. However, the rule against explaining is not made for the convenience of ladies so much as it is for the protection of gentlemen. They may think they want to hear why a particular lady is turning them down, but they are mighty unhappy when they do."
Of course, regarding the refusal of sex, per se, that's all very well if she doesn't want to marry him - but what if she does? How does she make sure there's no misunderstanding, without scaring him off? If MM has ever addressed that, I don't remember when she did.
After all (this is from a 1994 Ann Landers column):
"This is for the 'Last Holdout in Illinois.' I am a female professional and an attractive, loyal and caring 27-year-old 'technical virgin.'
"Most of the men I've dated want sex within the first three dates. When I say I'm still a virgin and plan to stay that way until marriage, my date tells me he 'respects' me. That means I will never hear from him again.
"I learned from bitter experience that a woman can't win. If she sleeps with a guy on the first, second or third date, he figures she's a tramp. If she doesn't, he writes her off as a cold fish and maybe a lesbian."
lenona at October 15, 2019 9:52 AM
Grandma Elizabeth--
Sorry it took so long for me to respond. I wish there were a way to subscribe to comments here.
Anyway...
I have probably been approached 3 or 4 times in the past 20 years. Maybe less.
When I say "not worth the risk" I am meaning that yes, they have hurt me. Treated me really bad. Made me feel bad about myself to the point that I would rather be lonely than feel like that. At least some days.
I actually had one who kept looking at me, and smiling, and when I walked over to her-- before I said a word-- she started screaming at me to stop looking at her. OK, then. I did.
I had a friend who started hating women (and wanting to hurt them) after his wife left him for another guy-- I can't go that far, but I can sort of understand why he did.
I am attracted to smart women. Looks are icing on the cake, but the girl I consider The Love of My Life (who left me for a mutual friend) wasn't someone that other people thought was attractive-- but I sure did.
Kent McManigal at October 19, 2019 1:58 PM
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