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In The Snoop Doggie Doghouse

Today was my 21st birthday. To celebrate, I took my fiancee to karaoke. The DJ, who’s female, usually gives lap dances with seductive songs. I promised my fiancee I wouldn’t get one. Before I sang, the DJ announced it was my birthday, and said she had a surprise for me. I looked at her and said, “No,” but she said it wasn’t what I thought. She pulled out a chair and had me sit in it, then played a song. Well, she ended up giving me a lap dance, and my fiancee stormed out. After the song ended, I ran after her. When I found her, miles across town, she just yelled about my broken promise and how I’m pretty much chopped liver to her now. Well, what was I supposed to do? I was on the spot in front of a crowd. Now I’m losing the woman I want to marry. Is this fixable?

--Singing The Code Blues

There are times you have to jump to conclusions, and there are times you only have to lean a little. When you go to the dentist, for example, thereís a very, very good chance heíll start stabbing at your molars, not strap you to the chair, speed to your apartment, break in, and shampoo your rugs. Likewise, when a lap-dancing DJ offers you a seat on stage, it probably isnít because she wants you to be a little more comfortable while everyone watches you do your taxes or scale fish.

The way you tell it, you were the poor, unwitting victim of a lap dancing accident. Oh, please. Sometimes, yes, life does throw a guy a curve ball. And sometimes, as in your case, a guy gets advance notice that a curve ball could be coming his way. Like, how advance? Like, when the leather for the ball was still attached to the cow.

If keeping your promise meant anything, you would’ve had a Plan B in your back pocket in case it looked like you were going to get lapped. You might’ve been ready to delete your lap, and hence, your lap dance, by standing up. You might’ve prepared some corny ego-preserver, like “I’m a one-woman lap dance man, and this position’s been taken.” But, not only were you Plan B-free, you waited until the song ended to go after your girlfriend. You WAITED UNTIL THE SONG ENDED!? Now, there’s every little girl’s dream -- the knight on a white horse who will gallop across time and space to save her...just as soon as his lap dance ends.

It’s time to cough up the truth -- to yourself and to your girlfriend -- that you made a promise you thought you could snake out of by making like you were lap-jacked. Apologize, and tell her you never truly realized what she meant to you until it looked like you’d lost her. Swear you’ll never lie to her again -- that you’ll do the grownup thing and discuss an issue, instead of saying one thing and slithering off and doing the opposite. (It’s best if all this is sincere -- not just a prepared statement you’re reading off your hand.) Grovel. Grovel more. For style suggestions, look in the Yellow Pages under “florists,” and rent “Say Anything,” and fast-forward to John Cusack playing “In Your Eyes” on a boombox under Ione Skye’s window.

If, after all this, you do get her back, but get right back to lying, take heed. Itís probably a sign youíre in need of serious medical attention: a brain scan from the proper doctor -- which, in this case, would be a proctologist.

Copyright ©2003, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, "The Advice Goddess," which appears in over 100 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.