more>> In
Thickness And In Health
People getting married never ask what they really
need to know: “You aren’t planning on dealing drugs out of
the garage, going on a toenail clipping strike, or porking out
immediately after we tie the knot…are
you?”
more>>
Chump
Change
If you were a duck, you’d fly around during hunting
season in a little gold lamé vest, towing a banner that reads
“PICTURE ME NAKED ON YOUR PLATE ON A BED OF WHIPPED
POTATOES!” As a man, you can simply go to a bar and be yourself --
loud, clear, and needy -- and women will picture you lying on the floor
in a three-piece linoleum suit, shouting, “Walk all over
me!” more>>
No Plane, No Gain
In the movies, two people,
desperate to be together, overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles so
they can live “happily ever after”...and then the house
lights come up. What happens the next morning is anyone’s guess --
and for good reason. Chasing what you can’t quite have is the fun
part. After the drama’s done, then what? Two people, overcome by
seemingly insurmountable piles of dirty laundry, struck by the sinking
realization that once-charming idiosyncrasies are rapidly morphing into
excruciatingly irritating tics? more>>
The Taming Of The Spew
Sit down, because you're in for some shocking revelations: 1.
There is no Santa Claus. 2. The Tooth Fairy has a five o'clock shadow
and a beer gut. 3. You married a man, not Oprah. more>>
How The Mother Half Lives
Dropping everything
to run off in search of some really hot sex -- oh, I’m sorry, I
mean TRUE LOVE -- is the province of people like me, who recognize that
they’re self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and impulsive, and thus
unfit to be parents. Unfortunately, parenthood is too often the province
of people like you, who are also self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and
impulsive, but refuse to let that stop them from accessorizing with a
baby. more>>
Hot To Not
"All you need is love,”
sang The Beatles. Of course, they were pop stars so they got more sex
than they knew what to do with. more>>
He Shrinks The World Of You
Now, maybe you do dress “with
class” -- perhaps favoring intelli-bimbo style (push-up bra, tiny
dress, high heels, and librarian glasses) -- or maybe you make hookers
look like they’re modeling the Amish collections for fall.
Regardless, you’ve been dressing yourself for quite some time in
keeping with your personal aesthetic. This is called
“self-expression,” not “insecure
boyfriend-expression” -- despite Mr. Mother Superior’s
attempt to shame you into dressing with a little more
decorum. more>>
Adultery! Now In Handy Sample Size!
What if you could
mow through an entire chocolate cake, but pass the calories on to the
revenge object of your choice? Yes, “once on the lips, forever on
the hips” -- of your cranky neighbor or your boss, who’s too
busy running her eBay business to earn her inflated salary. “I
just don’t get it,” she complains as she’s dumping her
work on your desk. “No matter how much I diet, I pack on the
pounds like I’m hooked up to a melted butter IV.”
(You’d offer her your sincere condolences, but it’s impolite
to talk with your mouth full of frosting.) more>>
Life In The Fast Wane
Now, here’s a discerning
woman. All she has to know about a guy before she spends the day
hurtling upside down a hundred feet in the air with him is that he has
access to a telephone and the Internet. Sure, this describes you -- and
any number of guys doing time for a smorgasbord of violent felonies.
more>>
Nurse Case Scenario
Who better to marry
and start a family with than a woman with an anxiety disorder and really
low self-esteem? Picture your life 10 years from now: “No, Hunter
isn’t here; I think he’s out vandalizing cars, or maybe
setting the community center on fire.” Your daughter, Pyneapple,
sells nude videos of herself on the Internet -- between chat sessions on
pro-anorexia Web sites...” more>>
It's Arraigning
Men
You could be making polite conversation with a guy
with a face like a broken scone and the body of an ottoman, and your
fiancé would see Brad Pitt making the moves on you:
“Brad” wants you, you want him; it’s only a matter of
time before Jennifer’s stuff is piled on the curb in Malibu, and
Brad’s got you chained up in his designer dungeon. Yeah, this is
going to happen -- and your grandma’s going to rob the corner
liquor store, buy crack with the money, and sell it to schoolchildren.
more>>
Hunting And Blathering
Cats don’t water-ski.
Rosebushes don’t drive station wagons. Straight men don’t
chat. more>>
Slack To The
Future
Everybody's so busy trying to live forever that
they forget to live today: "Hmm, might not make it to age 302 if I
eat a piece of beef. I'll pretend ice cream is oven cleaner, and a
forkful of steak is a cleverly disguised loaded gun, then subsist on
pencil shavings on dry toast..." more>>
Belling The Cad
"Come live with me, and be my
love," the Christopher Marlowe poem begins. I forget the next line,
but I'm pretty sure it isn't "But please, my beloved, drop your
cats off to be gassed on your way over." more>>
Desperate But Equal
Sorry if it gets your leg hair in a snarl, but
equal doesn’t mean identical. Women expecting the same coin for
the same work as men makes sense. Your Evel Knievel-like leap to the
conclusion that men and women ARE the same makes me wonder whether
you’ve ever seen a man naked. Nudeflash: Men and women are
physically different. That’s why men do not wear bras or Kotex,
and doctors are not accused of malpractice for neglecting to offer women
prostate exams... more>>
The Mold And The
Beautiful
Oh, come on. Like a woman in the withering fluorescent light
of the supermarket is really going to scream, “Help, help, rapist
in aisle four!” because you’ve interrupted her study of the
number of carbs in a pack of Snackwells. The real problem is your
shyness, compounded by your refusal to lift so much as a meek little
finger to overcome it. Imagine applying the same approach to the
automotive issues in your life. Maybe your mechanic says you need new
brakes. What do you do, sigh “Perhaps I just won’t
stop!”? more>>
Meet
Marketing
A guy doesn’t chat you up because his vocal
cords need exercise. He’s thinking of asking you out. At the same
time, he’s worried about his ego: Will you grab it, throw it on
the floor, and jump up and down on it? Drop it from a tall building to
see if it bounces when it hits cement? Club it like a baby seal and make
change purses out of its hide? more>>
The Grill Of The
Chase
Surely, several hundred
lumpy pounds of fat wouldn’t stop you from taking her out and
refusing to tell her about yourself. After all, you, if anyone, know
it’s a woman’s inner beauty that matters -- even if you have
to send in a search party of gastric bypass surgeons to find it. Right?
Right? more>> Save The Males
Sure, this particular guy might share your interest in
preserving the planet and its species, but species preservation does
begin at home, and chasing you naked around his home was most likely
what he had in mind.
more>> Claws And
Effect
There are people out
there who never speak a harsh word to anyone. They’re dead. For
almost everyone else, it’s a struggle. Take me, for example. To
say I’m no Gandhi is something of an understatement, considering
my habit of screaming “ENVIRONMENT-HOGGING VULGARIAN!” at
strangers driving huge SUVs. Still, I wouldn’t say a cruel word to
my boyfriend. more>>
Plain And Suffering
Men
are attracted to attractive women. What, exactly,
“attractive” is does vary from man to man, but it generally
involves women who are unlikely to be mistaken for paunchy, middle-aged
plumbers named Clem. In other words, if you’re looking for a
boyfriend, it’s in your best interest to invest that extra 72
seconds of effort to throw on an outfit that sends the message
“Ask me for my phone number” instead of “Ask me for a
free estimate on snaking your drain.” more>>
Bride And Seek
"Hey,
baby...how ‘bout you come home with me and we have a healthy,
supportive relationship -- all night long?” more>>
Of Mice And Mice
Humans are now the only mammal mating while deliberately
ignoring the biological realities of existence: It’s the alpha dog
who gets the girl, not the guy who responds to the femi-ninny complaint
“men just want sex!” by hanging his head in shame and
insisting, “Oh, no...we just want to sit around and read you
communist poetry.” more>>
The Reshape Of Things To Come
It sometimes it takes a serious
relationship for men to truly understand the meaning of “those
three little words”: torture, degradation, and deathwish... more>>
Five Greasy Pieces
Bad hair is not a revenge move.
That’s why characters on The Sopranos generally bump off their
enemies with handguns or blunt objects -- they don’t make them
stare for hours at men in toupees. Like your boyfriend’s hair
mistake-over, the toupee is proof of a common blind spot in heterosexual
men: the inability to see reality, as perceived by the rest of humanity,
while looking directly into the mirror. A man sporting a head-rug is
under the impression he’s hiding hair loss. Of course, he could be
running down the street, naked and on fire, and it’s the first
thing anybody would see: “Mommy, Mommy, look at that man with the
dead ferret where his hair should be!”” more>> Hope Springs
Internal
Desperate has become the new normal --
hence, the massive billboard I spotted outside the famous Pink’s
hot dog stand in Los Angeles: “Wife Wanted. White male, nice
looking, great sense of humor, financially secure, loves to travel,
seeks fun fit female (age 32-46) with a great smile and a wonderful
heart. Call 310-226-2999.” Forget agonizing about approaching
women on the street; this guy has to contract with a call center every
time a bus passes. more>>
A Broom Of His Own
How would you describe the visual theme of your house? "Recently
Robbed"? "Gently Ransacked"? Whatever you call it, it can't be a
pleasing aesthetic for a woman who probably slacks off in the
housekeeping department by leaving a single unwashed martini glass in
the sink. more>>
Own Thighs Matters
Guys are not standing around at
parties, whispering to each other, “Wow, get a load of the personality
on the girl across the room with the butt zoned for two-family housing.”
The exception, of course, is in that dating Disneyland where the vast
majority of your friends reside. In their world, nice men don’t even
blink when they see a woman whose scale suggests she has a Shetland pony
strapped to her back. There, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models run into
the hundreds of pounds, and get hoisted onto the beach with heavy-duty
cranes. Victoria’s Secret girls are chosen by how closely they resemble
Drew Carey when the lights are dimmed. more>>
Will You
Bury Me?
You take the Attila the Hun
approach to love. After casting your boyfriend in the role of Europe,
you marched all over him until he surrendered, and finally agreed to
fork over the rock. Granted, you did it in the name of love, as in,
“I love you so much that I don’t care what you want, and
I’m going to make your life a living hell until you make me your
wife.” Charming. more>>
The Tart Of Compromise
Okay, so you aren’t comfortable in
nasty-girl clothes. We all know the feminist party line: A woman should
never, ever do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. That might
not be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, but it does come
close. Perhaps it’s escaped your notice, but the world is not
exactly one great big comfort zone. That’s why you spend much of
your lifetime working and paying a lot of taxes, instead of lying around
and being massaged with hot oil by a harem of male models...more>>
Some Unkinda Wonderful
He seems so great
“otherwise”? That’s like saying Hitler was a really
great guy except for that little matter with the Jews, gypsies,
Catholics, and gays...more>>
Hopeless
Is More
Sure, she says she still
has “feelings” for you -- probably like the cozy feeling
that you’ll do quite nicely as a backup penis, should any of the
dates on her international sex tour cancel. There's no telling what the
future will hold -- or who’ll be holding her in it. That said,
it’s extremely unlikely to be you if you suck away any respect she
might have for you by waiting at her door like a sad doggie while she
runs around with a bunch of other guys...more>>
How Do I Shove Thee?
Clearly, you’re a woman who likes to plan ahead:
“To Whom It May Concern, You are the love of my life. From the
moment I looked into your deep (insert color here) eyes, I knew you were
‘The One.’”
more»»
Out On A Pledge
Right now, thousands of people are murmuring “pleased
to meet you” instead of saying what’s really on their minds,
like “You look like you’d be bad in bed,” or
“What am I, a docking station for dull people?” more>> "Star 69"-Crossed Lovers
Romeo and Juliet. Tristan and Isolde.
Ann Coulter and Michael Moore. Clearly, some loves just aren’t
meant to be...more»»
Homely Security
Issues
The supermodel does not lie down with the
superstore clerk. There is no stampede from the Victoria’s Secret
photo shoot to the bar where all the Jack-In-The-Box cashiers hang out.
And here's an “In Style” caption you're never going to read:
“Monica Bellucci and Salma Hayek escorted into The Academy Awards
on the arms of Walt Morton, night manager, Ace Wholesale Plumbing
Supply"...more>> How To Whim Friends And Influence
People
What is this, the reverse version of Alien?
You’ve got a scary monster of a girlfriend with razor claws and
dripping fangs, but you remain convinced that, any moment now, a tiny
hoof will poke through her convulsing stomach, and out will pop Bambi to
gambol over and lick you upside the face.
Riiight. more>>
Love Takes Its Poll
It isn't just Demi and
Ashton. With a growing number of older women cruising frat houses for
boyfriends, there's a whole new market for those wearable panic buttons
hawked to the elderly on TV: "Help! I've fallen in love, and I
can't get up!"...more>>
Long Day's
Gurney Into Night
With the
exception of Dick Clark, we’re all going to die
sometime... more>>
For Whom The Cell Tolls
Generally speaking, an answered cell
phone on a date is a sign, not of important business, but of
self-important business. Think of it as a kind of boor alarm; as in, a
warning you should be alarmed that you’re out with one. more>>
The Thrift Of Gab
It is customary to wait until you're in a
relationship before you have "The Breakup Conversation."
Customary, but not mandatory. In fact, there's nothing stopping you from
introducing yourself with "Hi, it would never work, and my name's
Bob" -- thus breaking up with a woman before you even get into a
conversation with her. more>>
Gloom With A View
Some women like sex
in the morning, some like it in the afternoon, and some like it in the
past. Although your fiancee seems poised to reconnect with her virginity
after marriage, she is kind enough, these days, to keep sex with you a
priority...right up there with dusting the mini-blinds, installing a new
blue-flush thingie, and other weekend chores. more>>
Wife Or Something Like
It
In your mother’s dreams, she’s got a son who buys
his daughter lifelike plastic dolls instead of trying to date them. In
your mother’s reality, she’s got a son who’s a lover,
not a father, and she’d better learn to live with
it. more»»
Barfing Up The Wrong
Tree<
/font>
If your “well-being” hinges on
clearing your personal horizon of all potential boyfriends, projectile
honesty should do the trick. Just ring the guy up, and start spewing:
“Hi, while you were on vacation, an emotional vagrant (that would
be me) broke into your life, started an imaginary relationship with you,
and would now like to discuss -- at great length -- all the ensuing
imaginary issues. Hello? Hello?” (Don’t think of that noise
you hear as the dial tone; think of it as the sound of inner peace.)
more»»
Grill Seeker
Before you ask The Professor those “feeling
questions,” I would encourage you to consider the stunning lack of
porn films adapted from Dostoevsky, Jane Austen, and Henry James. Next,
note how few porn films are slammed by critics for being “dialogue
heavy.” Hmmm, why would this be? Probably because men generally
don’t want to “talk about it,” they just want to see
it naked. more»»
Booty Is
Truth
Men have a biological imperative, and it
isn’t to lure women to wine tastings and music appreciation
lectures. But, who do women go home with, the guy who invites them over
for “wine and music” or the guy who asks, “Yo, how
‘bout we get hooched up and give each other rug
burns?” more»»
Mush To Judgment
Let’s take a moment and read the average man’s
mind: “Sex, sex, sex, red meat, sex, sex, sex, beer, sex, sex,
sex, Cheetos, sex, sex, sex, baseball, football, sex, sex,
sex”...you get the idea. A whole lot of sex, a smattering of
sports, a side of beef and processed food, and zero mention of
Hallmark.com’s “Heartfelt Rose Bouquet With Candle.”
more»»
Call Waiting And
Waiting
You wouldn’t want to be one of
those people who bolts up in bed after a year or two in a relationship,
wondering where “the magic” went, and struggling to remember
fun. No, you prefer to eliminate the lengthy waiting period, and cut
right to Shrill And Demanding before you’ve even had a second
date...more»»
Connect The Spots
Just because a
player’s found love doesn’t mean he’s going to stop
looking for it. Perhaps that’s why there’s an aspiring
Annette Bening in every woman. Bening is more than a movie star --
she’s the woman who turned Warren Beatty into Ward Cleaver.
It’s the ultimate female ego-polisher, to be the one who had what
it took to tame the beast. The truth is, there’s no woman fabulous
enough. Only the beast can tame the beast...more»»
Clod
Is In The Details
Why wait until you have a relationship with a
woman to take her for granted? Take her for granted right from the
start!...more»»
If The Shrew Fits...
Men are simple creatures. Give the average guy a hamburger, a naked
girlfriend, and a wide-screen TV, and he’s happy. Throw in a
Universal Remote, unfettered access to his friends, and time alone to
use, fix, or stare at mechanical objects, and he’s delirious with
joy. Sounds pretty simple, huh -- find a good guy, let him be, and
he’ll probably be good right back? But no... more»»
Bad Hobbits Die Hard
What happened, you logged into the famous dude fantasy store
and all the Daniel Day-Lewises, Brad Pitts, and Johnny Depps were taken?
One would hope. Because, if your first-choice fantasy is falling into
the arms of a four-foot dwarf with dirty fingernails, pointy ears, and
big hairy feet -- well, it’s a good thing you didn’t go into
more detail about your reality, just in case anyone’s reading this
while eating. more»»
Living Extra-Large
Men want arm candy, not the whole candy store...
Handyman For All
Seasons
"Post-girlfriend” is like
“post-modern”: two really easy words that come together into
a term you can’t, for the life of you, understand. You know what a
post is -- a big wooden thing. And you know what a girlfriend is -- a
girl you’re trying not to love. So, maybe it’s as simple as
beating yourself over the head with a big wooden post until you no
longer love this girl. more»»
Pry Another Day
Love is many things, but if you’d like to be in it for
a while, try not to see it as a permission slip to crawl into your
partner’s head and vacuum up everything inside. In demanding full
disclosure, especially after you’re out of the picture,
you’re right up there in Fantasyland with all the people who are
getting married for the third or fourth time. (Excuse me, but at what
point do these people have a hard time saying “’til death do
us part” with a straight face?) more»»
Designated Bitter
Did Mommy also angle the potty the wrong way when you were
just a nib? Short you on Fig Newtons in your lunchbox? Cruelly refuse to
put you on a bus to a theme park every day instead of to school? Surely,
there’s more to your hacking her out of your life for all eternity
than “she paddled my butt.” more»»
'Til Death Do Us Tart
A
lifetime walking on the “Girls Gone Wild” side can have a
high price -- starting at around $20,000: the cost of surgery for
repetitive stress injuries from constantly pulling up your top and
exposing your breasts for the video camera. That’s why even bad
girls need a vacation now and then -- like this side trip you’ve
taken into “respectability.” more»»
Women Too Amazing To Have
Boyfriends
Never underestimate the allure of a
mean, bitter, controlling woman with a mountain range of issues --
nothing that 3,000 hours of therapy can’t make a tiny,
imperceptible dent in. more>>
The Deadbeat Goes On
Getting dumped...is
nobody’s idea of Mardi Gras, but it is a great way to lose weight
while curled up in a fetal position next to your treadmill, and unless
you sleep face down crying, and drown in your own tears, it’s
unlikely to kill you. more>>
A
Man Of The Sloth
To you, of course, he’s more than some
couch accessory. In fact, with those long, perilous treks to the mailbox
and those work-like motions he occasionally makes with a feather duster,
he’s practically CEO of your couch. more>>
The Son Also
Rises
I’m not sure when, exactly, you’re supposed to cut the
umbilical cord, but I suspect it’s long before the child becomes
eligible for the senior citizen discount at Denny’s. more>>
Love Me Due
Yes, yes, love should
prevail! Not only should love prevail, Rene Russo and Ashley Judd should
schedule a creamed-corn wrestling match to fight it out for
yours.
more»»
That
Special
Someone-Or-Other
Him: “Hi, I know you’re a
complete stranger, but I think we should spend the rest of our lives
together.”
You to your friends: “I think
what’s-his-name’s ‘The One!’” more»»
Women Behaving
Beige-ly
Whether an Englishman loves you or loathes you, the
expression is the same -- a tiny smile with a curl of disdain (like
you’re drooling out the corner of your mouth, but they’re too polite to
mention it). more»»
How To Be Seen, Not
Turd
Smart retailers understand that the perception of
scarcity elevates desirability. Just advertise, “SPECIAL OFFER! FIRST
FIVE CUSTOMERS ONLY!” and people will run each other down to buy
laminated dog poop mounted on teak. The law of supply and demand extends
to relationships as well. more»»
Pleating Insanity
You’ll
never get in to see a therapist. They’re far too busy saving the
marriages of miserable people who never have sex to save those of wacky,
happy people with “fantastic” sex lives. more»»
Return To Bender
It’s
great if the guy you like is fantasizing about you -- providing he isn’t
picturing you face down in the gutter, or doing Jell-O shots and
stripping your top off for the boys in the bar. more»»
The Mother-In-Law Of All
Bombs
Just because you have a Self doesn’t mean you should
express it. more»»
Not Into Heavy
Meddle
How sweet that your friends are willing to take breaks
from their extramarital affairs, knockdown drag-out fights, and couples’
counseling sessions to help you understand what you’ve been missing.
more»»
Reach Out And Rush
Someone
“Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you...”
shouted Alexander Graham Bell, making telecommunications history and the
world’s first needy phone call at the very same time. Mercifully, it
appears that he got cut off before he could add, “...about having my
baby.” more»»
Mush Ado About
Nothing
Men who aren’t drag queens do not sit around comparing
enlarged pores with their guy friends while getting the lowdown on that
new lipstick with the staying power of latex house paint. That’s because
men are not merely hairy women with flat chests and jutting chins. more»»
The Sum Of All
Leers
There's a reason Botticelli painted "Birth Of Venus,"
not "Peasant Girl With Missing Teeth And A Zit So Big And Hairy The
Townspeople Mistook It For A Cat." Of course, it is possible that
Italian Vogue had already booked the model with the big furry zit...
more»»
Dating For Godot
The state
of men, these days, mirrors the state of the martini, which has gone all
frilly and girly, and requires much micro-management -- lest it come in
purple, with green Jolly Ranchers bobbing around Malibu Barbie’s
floating head. more»»
That ‘N Sync-ing
Feeling
Stop expecting your boyfriend to be your everything.
He’s a man, not a mall. more»»
Waist Removal
There IS
a double standard for what men and women should wear (a good thing,
considering how few men can carry off a little black dress and strappy
heels). more»»
A Man And His
Kneads
It’s admirable that your husband is intent on easing
suffering in the world, starting with that of girls in sexy little
dresses. more»»
In The Snoop Doggie
Doghouse
The way you tell it, you were the poor, unwitting
victim of a lap dancing accident. Oh, please. more»»
Doom For
Improvement
Imagine if people went on first dates looking and
acting like they do after a year in a relationship. You’d see burping,
farting, unshaven slobs with beer bellies wearing tattered remains of
hockey jerseys. And those are just the women. more»» Green Tea
With Envy
It’s the rare dermatologist who throws in a heart
transplant with every blackhead extraction.
more»»
Copyright ©2002-2003, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask
The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and
Canada. All rights reserved.
![[whitespace]](http://metroactive.com/gifs/whiteline2.gif){kind=small}