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Can't Get Bare From Here

Now, there could be some alternate universe out there where it's a wise idea to let a woman know, You may as well have a bag over your head during sex because I'm thinking of Eva Longoria. In our universe, merely having a thought is not considered reason enough to release it into the atmosphere. Just ask all the other men (and women) who recast the lead when they're in bed, yet manage to avoid alerting the editorial staff of Entertainment Tonight

Just The Too Much Of Us
Desire runs on the economics of scarcity. That's why diamonds, not speckled gray pebbles, "are forever," and why special occasions are celebrated with champagne and caviar, not tap water and a scoop of tuna. You want what's rare, or seems rare, not what's there 24/7 gassing up your couch.

Empower Struggle
Yes, leave it to the women's movement to turn itself into something that keeps women from moving. It was supposed to be about sensible stuff like equal pay for equal work -- fantastic idea -- and giving everybody the vote. Then, a bunch of rad-fem loonies like Sheila Jeffreys (England's Andrea Dworkin) jumped into the fray: "When a woman reaches orgasm with a man, she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression."

You've Got Bail!
A friend's ex-wife used to threaten suicide all the time: "I'm taking the pills, and I'll be dead before you get home!" My friend, noting the lady exhibited a remarkable will to live as long as she was getting her way, would reply, "Does that mean you don't want me to pick you up that huge Hershey bar? How about I just cram it between your big purple lips?"

Love, Actualized
Will your marriage be happier if you defoliate the rain forest for your centerpieces, recite your vows under a man-made waterfall of Dom Perignon, and have Elvis brought back from the dead to play your wedding?

'Til Dearth Do Us Part
You've probably heard that money can't buy happiness. Well, welfare checks can't buy it either. Still, if you're going to be miserable, wouldn't you rather throw yourself down on a Stearns & Foster ultra-plush Euro PillowTop for a good cry about your meaningless life? Let's face it: Money is the root of good dentistry, wine that doesn't unscrew, and vacations that go beyond sitting at a bus stop and imagining palm trees.

Leave Dull Enough Alone
Like a lot of parents, your parents divide their daughter's boyfriends into two categories: potential husbands and guys who spend their spare time knocking over liquor stores and boosting cars. Your boyfriend does have the stability and dependability parents look for when separating the fiances from the felons. Alas, he combines these with all the personality of a bran muffin.

Leering Impaired
Whatever happens, you'll always have Miss February. Sure, people are bound to stare when you're out to dinner with a magazine page Scotch-taped to the chair across from you, but there are a few things you can count on: She'll always be naked; she'll always be smiling; and she'll never crawl off page 89 and start ransacking your sock drawer when you get in the shower.

Pout From Under
That chip on your shoulder isn't making you any taller.

Fetal Attraction
Surely, you've heard some of the names for a man whose only form of birth control was the word of a woman he barely knew: "Daddy," "Da-da," "My Old Man," and "The Dupe Who's Gonna Pay My Kid's Tuition To Harvard.

The Sound And The Furry
Ideally, making out with your boyfriend shouldn't have a lot in common with being mauled by a hedgehog.

Can't Believe I Innate The Whole Thing
There are those men who like the larger ladies. Chances are, they aren't the ones who married a size 3. By the same token, a woman who tied the knot with some high-powered suit probably wouldn't be too thrilled if he quit his job and sat cross-legged in sandals and a caftan, explaining that he can't send out resumes because "it's not part of my higher purpose right now."

To The Better End
"Till death do us part" works best when one spouse dies long before the other nags them to take out the garbage 35,000 times.

Swelling Herself Short
Male sexuality is all about the visuals. That's why men's magazines are filled with pictures of naked women with freakishly large breasts while women's magazines are filled with pictures of lip gloss...

Swami Dearest
Like the dinner guest who begged my friends to rearrange their living room furniture so it wouldn't be "bad for her aura," being cartoonishly irrational doesn't make this girl a bad person, just a bad person to be with. A case in point: You've dated her three weeks, and you already have centuries of baggage. "Have a nice day," you say? Oops, bad idea. She bursts into tears. "How could you say such a thing?! Just a few lifetimes ago, I was in Pompeii, and you're telling me to have a nice day? You ever have a nice day while being smothered in ash?!"

Bed Over Heels
If there's one thing this guy has, it's the sense to recognize a good thing when he sees it: a girlfriend who wants to believe he does some of his best thinking while naked and having sex with his ex.

A Heart-To-Tart Talk
Like a growing number of young women, if your girlfriend had put a notch in her bedpost every time she bagged a guy, odds are she would've been sleeping on the floor in a pile of sawdust in a matter of months. more>>

Caught In A Bridal Wave
Imagine if people ran their friendships like they run their relationships: "Sign on the dotted line to be my lifelong best bud, or I'll never grab a beer with you again!" Luckily, there's still no such thing as "friendlock"; only the aptly named "wedlock." Come on, if marriage was the bliss-bomb it's cracked up to be, why would we need to lock couples in? more>>

In Thickness And In Health
People getting married never ask what they really need to know: “You aren’t planning on dealing drugs out of the garage, going on a toenail clipping strike, or porking out immediately after we tie the knot…are you?” more>>

Chump Change
f you were a duck, you’d fly around during hunting season in a little gold lamé vest, towing a banner that reads “PICTURE ME NAKED ON YOUR PLATE ON A BED OF WHIPPED POTATOES!” As a man, you can simply go to a bar and be yourself -- loud, clear, and needy -- and women will picture you lying on the floor in a three-piece linoleum suit, shouting, “Walk all over me!” more>>

No Plane, No Gain
In the movies, two people, desperate to be together, overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles so they can live “happily ever after”...and then the house lights come up. What happens the next morning is anyone’s guess -- and for good reason. Chasing what you can’t quite have is the fun part. After the drama’s done, then what? Two people, overcome by seemingly insurmountable piles of dirty laundry, struck by the sinking realization that once-charming idiosyncrasies are rapidly morphing into excruciatingly irritating tics? more>>

The Taming Of The Spew
Sit down, because you're in for some shocking revelations: 1. There is no Santa Claus. 2. The Tooth Fairy has a five o'clock shadow and a beer gut. 3. You married a man, not Oprah. more>>

How The Mother Half Lives
Dropping everything to run off in search of some really hot sex -- oh, I’m sorry, I mean TRUE LOVE -- is the province of people like me, who recognize that they’re self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and impulsive, and thus unfit to be parents. Unfortunately, parenthood is too often the province of people like you, who are also self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and impulsive, but refuse to let that stop them from accessorizing with a baby. more>>

Hot To Not
ll you need is love,” sang The Beatles. Of course, they were pop stars so they got more sex than they knew what to do with. more>>

He Shrinks The World Of You
ow, maybe you do dress “with class” -- perhaps favoring intelli-bimbo style (push-up bra, tiny dress, high heels, and librarian glasses) -- or maybe you make hookers look like they’re modeling the Amish collections for fall. Regardless, you’ve been dressing yourself for quite some time in keeping with your personal aesthetic. This is called “self-expression,” not “insecure boyfriend-expression” -- despite Mr. Mother Superior’s attempt to shame you into dressing with a little more decorum. more>>

Adultery! Now In Handy Sample Size!
hat if you could mow through an entire chocolate cake, but pass the calories on to the revenge object of your choice? Yes, “once on the lips, forever on the hips” -- of your cranky neighbor or your boss, who’s too busy running her eBay business to earn her inflated salary. “I just don’t get it,” she complains as she’s dumping her work on your desk. “No matter how much I diet, I pack on the pounds like I’m hooked up to a melted butter IV.” (You’d offer her your sincere condolences, but it’s impolite to talk with your mouth full of frosting.) more>>

Life In The Fast Wane
ow, here’s a discerning woman. All she has to know about a guy before she spends the day hurtling upside down a hundred feet in the air with him is that he has access to a telephone and the Internet. Sure, this describes you -- and any number of guys doing time for a smorgasbord of violent felonies. more>>

Nurse Case Scenario
ho better to marry and start a family with than a woman with an anxiety disorder and really low self-esteem? Picture your life 10 years from now: “No, Hunter isn’t here; I think he’s out vandalizing cars, or maybe setting the community center on fire.” Your daughter, Pyneapple, sells nude videos of herself on the Internet -- between chat sessions on pro-anorexia Web sites...” more>>

It's Arraigning Men
ou could be making polite conversation with a guy with a face like a broken scone and the body of an ottoman, and your fiancé would see Brad Pitt making the moves on you: “Brad” wants you, you want him; it’s only a matter of time before Jennifer’s stuff is piled on the curb in Malibu, and Brad’s got you chained up in his designer dungeon. Yeah, this is going to happen -- and your grandma’s going to rob the corner liquor store, buy crack with the money, and sell it to schoolchildren. more>>

Hunting And Blathering
ats don’t water-ski. Rosebushes don’t drive station wagons. Straight men don’t chat. more>>

Slack To The Future
verybody's so busy trying to live forever that they forget to live today: "Hmm, might not make it to age 302 if I eat a piece of beef. I'll pretend ice cream is oven cleaner, and a forkful of steak is a cleverly disguised loaded gun, then subsist on pencil shavings on dry toast..." more>>

Belling The Cad
ome live with me, and be my love," the Christopher Marlowe poem begins. I forget the next line, but I'm pretty sure it isn't "But please, my beloved, drop your cats off to be gassed on your way over." more>>

Desperate But Equal
orry if it gets your leg hair in a snarl, but equal doesn’t mean identical. Women expecting the same coin for the same work as men makes sense. Your Evel Knievel-like leap to the conclusion that men and women ARE the same makes me wonder whether you’ve ever seen a man naked. Nudeflash: Men and women are physically different. That’s why men do not wear bras or Kotex, and doctors are not accused of malpractice for neglecting to offer women prostate exams... more>>

The Mold And The Beautiful
h, come on. Like a woman in the withering fluorescent light of the supermarket is really going to scream, “Help, help, rapist in aisle four!” because you’ve interrupted her study of the number of carbs in a pack of Snackwells. The real problem is your shyness, compounded by your refusal to lift so much as a meek little finger to overcome it. Imagine applying the same approach to the automotive issues in your life. Maybe your mechanic says you need new brakes. What do you do, sigh “Perhaps I just won’t stop!”? more>>

Meet Marketing
guy doesn’t chat you up because his vocal cords need exercise. He’s thinking of asking you out. At the same time, he’s worried about his ego: Will you grab it, throw it on the floor, and jump up and down on it? Drop it from a tall building to see if it bounces when it hits cement? Club it like a baby seal and make change purses out of its hide? more>>

The Grill Of The Chase
Surely, several hundred lumpy pounds of fat wouldn’t stop you from taking her out and refusing to tell her about yourself. After all, you, if anyone, know it’s a woman’s inner beauty that matters -- even if you have to send in a search party of gastric bypass surgeons to find it. Right? Right? more>>

Save The Males
Sure, this particular guy might share your interest in preserving the planet and its species, but species preservation does begin at home, and chasing you naked around his home was most likely what he had in mind.

Claws And Effect

here are people out there who never speak a harsh word to anyone. They’re dead. For almost everyone else, it’s a struggle. Take me, for example. To say I’m no Gandhi is something of an understatement, considering my habit of screaming “ENVIRONMENT-HOGGING VULGARIAN!” at strangers driving huge SUVs. Still, I wouldn’t say a cruel word to my boyfriend.

Plain And Suffering
Men are attracted to attractive women. What, exactly, “attractive” is does vary from man to man, but it generally involves women who are unlikely to be mistaken for paunchy, middle-aged plumbers named Clem. In other words, if you’re looking for a boyfriend, it’s in your best interest to invest that extra 72 seconds of effort to throw on an outfit that sends the message “Ask me for my phone number” instead of “Ask me for a free estimate on snaking your drain.”

Bride And Seek
ey, ‘bout you come home with me and we have a healthy, supportive relationship -- all night long?” more>>

Of Mice And Mice
umans are now the only mammal mating while deliberately ignoring the biological realities of existence: It’s the alpha dog who gets the girl, not the guy who responds to the femi-ninny complaint “men just want sex!” by hanging his head in shame and insisting, “Oh, no...we just want to sit around and read you communist poetry.” more>>

The Reshape Of Things To Come
t sometimes it takes a serious relationship for men to truly understand the meaning of “those three little words”: torture, degradation, and deathwish... more>>

Five Greasy Pieces
ad hair is not a revenge move. That’s why characters on The Sopranos generally bump off their enemies with handguns or blunt objects -- they don’t make them stare for hours at men in toupees. Like your boyfriend’s hair mistake-over, the toupee is proof of a common blind spot in heterosexual men: the inability to see reality, as perceived by the rest of humanity, while looking directly into the mirror. A man sporting a head-rug is under the impression he’s hiding hair loss. Of course, he could be running down the street, naked and on fire, and it’s the first thing anybody would see: “Mommy, Mommy, look at that man with the dead ferret where his hair should be!”” more>>

Hope Springs Internal
Desperate has become the new normal -- hence, the massive billboard I spotted outside the famous Pink’s hot dog stand in Los Angeles: “Wife Wanted. White male, nice looking, great sense of humor, financially secure, loves to travel, seeks fun fit female (age 32-46) with a great smile and a wonderful heart. Call 310-226-2999.” Forget agonizing about approaching women on the street; this guy has to contract with a call center every time a bus passes.

A Broom Of His Own
How would you describe the visual theme of your house? "Recently Robbed"? "Gently Ransacked"? Whatever you call it, it can't be a pleasing aesthetic for a woman who probably slacks off in the housekeeping department by leaving a single unwashed martini glass in the sink. more>>

Own Thighs Matters
uys are not standing around at parties, whispering to each other, “Wow, get a load of the personality on the girl across the room with the butt zoned for two-family housing.” The exception, of course, is in that dating Disneyland where the vast majority of your friends reside. In their world, nice men don’t even blink when they see a woman whose scale suggests she has a Shetland pony strapped to her back. There, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models run into the hundreds of pounds, and get hoisted onto the beach with heavy-duty cranes. Victoria’s Secret girls are chosen by how closely they resemble Drew Carey when the lights are dimmed. more>>

Will You Bury Me?
ou take the Attila the Hun approach to love. After casting your boyfriend in the role of Europe, you marched all over him until he surrendered, and finally agreed to fork over the rock. Granted, you did it in the name of love, as in, “I love you so much that I don’t care what you want, and I’m going to make your life a living hell until you make me your wife.” Charming. more>>

The Tart Of Compromise

Okay, so you aren’t comfortable in nasty-girl clothes. We all know the feminist party line: A woman should never, ever do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. That might not be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, but it does come close. Perhaps it’s escaped your notice, but the world is not exactly one great big comfort zone. That’s why you spend much of your lifetime working and paying a lot of taxes, instead of lying around and being massaged with hot oil by a harem of male models...more>>

Some Unkinda Wonderful
He seems so great “otherwise”? That’s like saying Hitler was a really great guy except for that little matter with the Jews, gypsies, Catholics, and gays...

Hopeless Is More
Sure, she says she still has “feelings” for you -- probably like the cozy feeling that you’ll do quite nicely as a backup penis, should any of the dates on her international sex tour cancel. There's no telling what the future will hold -- or who’ll be holding her in it. That said, it’s extremely unlikely to be you if you suck away any respect she might have for you by waiting at her door like a sad doggie while she runs around with a bunch of other guys...more>>

How Do I Shove Thee?

Clearly, you’re a woman who likes to plan ahead: “To Whom It May Concern, You are the love of my life. From the moment I looked into your deep (insert color here) eyes, I knew you were ‘The One.’”

Out On A Pledge
ight now, thousands of people are murmuring “pleased to meet you” instead of saying what’s really on their minds, like “You look like you’d be bad in bed,” or “What am I, a docking station for dull people?” more>>

"Star 69"-Crossed Lovers
Romeo and Juliet. Tristan and Isolde. Ann Coulter and Michael Moore. Clearly, some loves just aren’t meant to be...

Homely Security Issues
The supermodel does not lie down with the superstore clerk. There is no stampede from the Victoria’s Secret photo shoot to the bar where all the Jack-In-The-Box cashiers hang out. And here's an “In Style” caption you're never going to read: “Monica Bellucci and Salma Hayek escorted into The Academy Awards on the arms of Walt Morton, night manager, Ace Wholesale Plumbing Supply"...more>>

How To Whim Friends And Influence People
What is this, the reverse version of Alien? You’ve got a scary monster of a girlfriend with razor claws and dripping fangs, but you remain convinced that, any moment now, a tiny hoof will poke through her convulsing stomach, and out will pop Bambi to gambol over and lick you upside the face.

Riiight. more>>

Love Takes Its Poll

It isn't just Demi and Ashton. With a growing number of older women cruising frat houses for boyfriends, there's a whole new market for those wearable panic buttons hawked to the elderly on TV: "Help! I've fallen in love, and I can't get up!"...more>>

Long Day's Gurney Into Night
With the exception of Dick Clark, we’re all going to die sometime...

For Whom The Cell Tolls
Generally speaking, an answered cell phone on a date is a sign, not of important business, but of self-important business. Think of it as a kind of boor alarm; as in, a warning you should be alarmed that you’re out with one. more>>

The Thrift Of Gab
t is customary to wait until you're in a relationship before you have "The Breakup Conversation." Customary, but not mandatory. In fact, there's nothing stopping you from introducing yourself with "Hi, it would never work, and my name's Bob" -- thus breaking up with a woman before you even get into a conversation with her. more>>

Gloom With A View
ome women like sex in the morning, some like it in the afternoon, and some like it in the past. Although your fiancee seems poised to reconnect with her virginity after marriage, she is kind enough, these days, to keep sex with you a priority...right up there with dusting the mini-blinds, installing a new blue-flush thingie, and other weekend chores. more>>

Wife Or Something Like It
n your mother’s dreams, she’s got a son who buys his daughter lifelike plastic dolls instead of trying to date them. In your mother’s reality, she’s got a son who’s a lover, not a father, and she’d better learn to live with it. more»»

Barfing Up The Wrong Tree< /font>
f your “well-being” hinges on clearing your personal horizon of all potential boyfriends, projectile honesty should do the trick. Just ring the guy up, and start spewing: “Hi, while you were on vacation, an emotional vagrant (that would be me) broke into your life, started an imaginary relationship with you, and would now like to discuss -- at great length -- all the ensuing imaginary issues. Hello? Hello?” (Don’t think of that noise you hear as the dial tone; think of it as the sound of inner peace.) more»»

Grill Seeker
efore you ask The Professor those “feeling questions,” I would encourage you to consider the stunning lack of porn films adapted from Dostoevsky, Jane Austen, and Henry James. Next, note how few porn films are slammed by critics for being “dialogue heavy.” Hmmm, why would this be? Probably because men generally don’t want to “talk about it,” they just want to see it naked. more»»

Booty Is Truth
en have a biological imperative, and it isn’t to lure women to wine tastings and music appreciation lectures. But, who do women go home with, the guy who invites them over for “wine and music” or the guy who asks, “Yo, how ‘bout we get hooched up and give each other rug burns?” more»»

Mush To Judgment
et’s take a moment and read the average man’s mind: “Sex, sex, sex, red meat, sex, sex, sex, beer, sex, sex, sex, Cheetos, sex, sex, sex, baseball, football, sex, sex, sex” get the idea. A whole lot of sex, a smattering of sports, a side of beef and processed food, and zero mention of’s “Heartfelt Rose Bouquet With Candle.” more»»

Call Waiting And Waiting
ou wouldn’t want to be one of those people who bolts up in bed after a year or two in a relationship, wondering where “the magic” went, and struggling to remember fun. No, you prefer to eliminate the lengthy waiting period, and cut right to Shrill And Demanding before you’ve even had a second date...more»»

Connect The Spots
Just because a player’s found love doesn’t mean he’s going to stop looking for it. Perhaps that’s why there’s an aspiring Annette Bening in every woman. Bening is more than a movie star -- she’s the woman who turned Warren Beatty into Ward Cleaver. It’s the ultimate female ego-polisher, to be the one who had what it took to tame the beast. The truth is, there’s no woman fabulous enough. Only the beast can tame the beast...more»»

Clod Is In The Details
Why wait until you have a relationship with a woman to take her for granted? Take her for granted right from the start!...more»»

If The Shrew Fits...
Men are simple creatures. Give the average guy a hamburger, a naked girlfriend, and a wide-screen TV, and he’s happy. Throw in a Universal Remote, unfettered access to his friends, and time alone to use, fix, or stare at mechanical objects, and he’s delirious with joy. Sounds pretty simple, huh -- find a good guy, let him be, and he’ll probably be good right back? But no... more»»

Bad Hobbits Die Hard
hat happened, you logged into the famous dude fantasy store and all the Daniel Day-Lewises, Brad Pitts, and Johnny Depps were taken? One would hope. Because, if your first-choice fantasy is falling into the arms of a four-foot dwarf with dirty fingernails, pointy ears, and big hairy feet -- well, it’s a good thing you didn’t go into more detail about your reality, just in case anyone’s reading this while eating. more»»

Living Extra-Large
en want arm candy, not the whole candy store...

Handyman For All Seasons
"Post-girlfriend” is like “post-modern”: two really easy words that come together into a term you can’t, for the life of you, understand. You know what a post is -- a big wooden thing. And you know what a girlfriend is -- a girl you’re trying not to love. So, maybe it’s as simple as beating yourself over the head with a big wooden post until you no longer love this girl. more»»

Pry Another Day
Love is many things, but if you’d like to be in it for a while, try not to see it as a permission slip to crawl into your partner’s head and vacuum up everything inside. In demanding full disclosure, especially after you’re out of the picture, you’re right up there in Fantasyland with all the people who are getting married for the third or fourth time. (Excuse me, but at what point do these people have a hard time saying “’til death do us part” with a straight face?) more»»

Designated Bitter
Did Mommy also angle the potty the wrong way when you were just a nib? Short you on Fig Newtons in your lunchbox? Cruelly refuse to put you on a bus to a theme park every day instead of to school? Surely, there’s more to your hacking her out of your life for all eternity than “she paddled my butt.” more»»

'Til Death Do Us Tart
A lifetime walking on the “Girls Gone Wild” side can have a high price -- starting at around $20,000: the cost of surgery for repetitive stress injuries from constantly pulling up your top and exposing your breasts for the video camera. That’s why even bad girls need a vacation now and then -- like this side trip you’ve taken into “respectability.” more»»

Women Too Amazing To Have Boyfriends
Never underestimate the allure of a mean, bitter, controlling woman with a mountain range of issues -- nothing that 3,000 hours of therapy can’t make a tiny, imperceptible dent in.

The Deadbeat Goes On
Getting nobody’s idea of Mardi Gras, but it is a great way to lose weight while curled up in a fetal position next to your treadmill, and unless you sleep face down crying, and drown in your own tears, it’s unlikely to kill you.

A Man Of The Sloth
To you, of course, he’s more than some couch accessory. In fact, with those long, perilous treks to the mailbox and those work-like motions he occasionally makes with a feather duster, he’s practically CEO of your couch. more>>

The Son Also Rises
I’m not sure when, exactly, you’re supposed to cut the umbilical cord, but I suspect it’s long before the child becomes eligible for the senior citizen discount at Denny’s.

Love Me Due
Yes, yes, love should prevail! Not only should love prevail, Rene Russo and Ashley Judd should schedule a creamed-corn wrestling match to fight it out for yours.

That Special Someone-Or-Other
Him: “Hi, I know you’re a complete stranger, but I think we should spend the rest of our lives together.”
You to your friends: “I think what’s-his-name’s ‘The One!’”   more»»

Women Behaving Beige-ly
Whether an Englishman loves you or loathes you, the expression is the same -- a tiny smile with a curl of disdain (like you’re drooling out the corner of your mouth, but they’re too polite to mention it).   more»»

How To Be Seen, Not Turd
Smart retailers understand that the perception of scarcity elevates desirability. Just advertise, “SPECIAL OFFER! FIRST FIVE CUSTOMERS ONLY!” and people will run each other down to buy laminated dog poop mounted on teak. The law of supply and demand extends to relationships as well.   more»»

Pleating Insanity
You’ll never get in to see a therapist. They’re far too busy saving the marriages of miserable people who never have sex to save those of wacky, happy people with “fantastic” sex lives.   more»»

Return To Bender
It’s great if the guy you like is fantasizing about you -- providing he isn’t picturing you face down in the gutter, or doing Jell-O shots and stripping your top off for the boys in the bar.   more»»

The Mother-In-Law Of All Bombs
Just because you have a Self doesn’t mean you should express it.   more»»

Not Into Heavy Meddle
How sweet that your friends are willing to take breaks from their extramarital affairs, knockdown drag-out fights, and couples’ counseling sessions to help you understand what you’ve been missing.   more»»

Reach Out And Rush Someone
“Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you...” shouted Alexander Graham Bell, making telecommunications history and the world’s first needy phone call at the very same time. Mercifully, it appears that he got cut off before he could add, “...about having my baby.”   more»»

Mush Ado About Nothing
Men who aren’t drag queens do not sit around comparing enlarged pores with their guy friends while getting the lowdown on that new lipstick with the staying power of latex house paint. That’s because men are not merely hairy women with flat chests and jutting chins.   more»»

The Sum Of All Leers
There's a reason Botticelli painted "Birth Of Venus," not "Peasant Girl With Missing Teeth And A Zit So Big And Hairy The Townspeople Mistook It For A Cat." Of course, it is possible that Italian Vogue had already booked the model with the big furry zit...   more»»

Dating For Godot
The state of men, these days, mirrors the state of the martini, which has gone all frilly and girly, and requires much micro-management -- lest it come in purple, with green Jolly Ranchers bobbing around Malibu Barbie’s floating head.   more»»

That ‘N Sync-ing Feeling
Stop expecting your boyfriend to be your everything. He’s a man, not a mall.   more»»

Waist Removal
There IS a double standard for what men and women should wear (a good thing, considering how few men can carry off a little black dress and strappy heels).   more»»

A Man And His Kneads
It’s admirable that your husband is intent on easing suffering in the world, starting with that of girls in sexy little dresses.   more»»

In The Snoop Doggie Doghouse
The way you tell it, you were the poor, unwitting victim of a lap dancing accident. Oh, please.   more»»

Doom For Improvement
Imagine if people went on first dates looking and acting like they do after a year in a relationship. You’d see burping, farting, unshaven slobs with beer bellies wearing tattered remains of hockey jerseys. And those are just the women.   more»»

Green Tea With Envy
It’s the rare dermatologist who throws in a heart transplant with every blackhead extraction.   


Copyright ©2002-2003, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.