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Designated Bitter
I'm a 25-year-old
new mom, and my husband’s hassling me to let my mother see our baby.
I’ve hated her since I was 10. We used to be super-close, but when
I was 10, I forgot to call to let her know I'd be home late, and, as a
result, she paddled my butt. Humiliating me further, she told my grandma
what happened. Soon after, I moved in with my dad, and hardly saw my mom.
The last time was when I chewed her out for showing up uninvited at my
high school graduation. She's tried to call, but I've refused all contact.
I see it as payback: She ended the happiness of my childhood and I want
her to suffer for it for the rest of her life. The problem is my husband,
who wants to give her a chance. How do I handle this? --Paddle Sore Did
Mommy also angle the potty the wrong way when you were just a nib? Short
you on Fig Newtons in your lunchbox? Cruelly refuse to put you on a bus
to a theme park every day instead of to school? Surely, there’s
more to your hacking her out of your life for all eternity than “she
paddled my butt.” What did she paddle you with, a diving board?
And where did she paddle you? With your pants pulled down in front of
the entire school assembly?
There’s damage, and then there’s damage. Get over it. Even
Bush and Chirac made up, or at least agreed to see each other and shoot
the merde. That said, does giving a kid a good paddling teach
healthy conflict resolution? Not exactly. Could it lead to unhealthy obsessions
-- say, a 25-year-old married woman with the motto “Hating Mommy
Is My Life!”? Apparently, yes. Is it especially dim for adults to
tell kids hitting is wrong, then drive the point home by whacking them
one? Mmm-hmm. And, finally, how about this meteor crater in reasoning?
When some big bruiser adult hits some other big bruiser adult, they call
the bail bondsman, but when some big bruiser adult hits a little kid,
they call it “parenting.” (Clearly, the intellectual output
of somebody who got cuffed on the head a lot.) But, what
about the idyllic childhood you’d ordered? Sadly, actual childhood
is so rife with injustice that Amnesty International should try to have
it outlawed by the U.N.: years of forced labor in exchange for room and
board -- much like prison, except you’re related to the warden.
Thousands of unreported incidents of abuse -- like when mommies refuse
to buy their little girls $200 designer jeans -- supposedly, the price
of admission to the in-crowd at school. Oh, the suffering. Oh, get over
it already! That’s the thought that must be galloping, day and night,
through your husband’s mind. Of course, with your penchant for “payback,”
the poor guy must try to keep his mouth shut -- except to request that
you pass him food or move out of the way when he’s about to bean
you with a heavy object. (This can’t bode well for your chances
for marital bliss.)
Unfortunately,
it doesn’t take great wisdom to have a baby -- just working ovaries.
While it probably won’t be long before you’re canonized as
an example of parental perfection, the rest of the parents in the world
-- your mother included -- are mere mortals who sometimes fly off the
handle when their inconsiderate brats misbehave. Fortunately, most of
us inconsiderate brats grow up and realize we have better things to do
than sit around nursing a mommy grudge. Sometimes, we need a little prodding
to realize this -- say, an anger management class or a book like “Control
Your Anger Before It Controls You,” by Dr. Albert Ellis.
You’re setting a great example for your daughter -- one which should
make it easier for her to cut you off when she grows up -- the perfect
payback for cutting her off from her granny! The alternative is so boring
-- choosing to show her that even grownups can act like grownups if they
try really hard. For you, this would entail considering whether Mommy’s
picture really belongs on the wall with the great evildoers throughout
history -- or whether it’s just there because you, with typical
kid wisdom, put her up between Adolf and Attila when you were 10, and
never got around to taking her down. If you’d like to play grownup,
you can choose to forgive your mother or just give her a chance. Should
she come over with a big oar and demand that you bend over, I’ll
be first to advise that you cut her out of your life for good. Chances
are, however, she’ll just bring a baby gift and try to hand it to
you, not whack you upside the head with it.
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