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Women Too Amazing To Have Boyfriends
According to what
men say they want in a woman, I’m in the ballpark. I’m 33,
happy and independent, with a cool job that pays me well. I’m in
good shape (yoga and blading) and people besides my grandma call me “pretty.”
I don’t think I want something unattainable -- just a goodhearted,
fun guy who’s got his life together, who doesn’t spend his
free time parked in front of the TV. He doesn’t have to be a model-type,
either. I care more about whether a guy reads the newspaper than whether
he’s losing his hair. So, why can’t I find a boyfriend? And
why are so many of my female friends in the same boat? These are attractive,
accomplished women who, like me, get told they’re “too much”
by guys they date. It seems that petty, unreasonable, possessive gold-diggers
land all the guys. Is there hope for the rest of us? --Boyfriend Repellant What
men want in a woman and what they say they want -- apart from breasts
big enough to divert advertising from the Goodyear blimp and a waist like
a Number Two pencil -- can be two entirely different things.
Never underestimate the allure of a mean, bitter, controlling woman with
a mountain range of issues -- nothing that 3,000 hours of therapy can’t
make a tiny, imperceptible dent in. She keeps a man on his feet -- ready,
at any moment, to duck an ashtray hurled at him. Between ducking airborne
objects, he’s ducking his own issues, which is probably the point.
Little men
need littler women. For the man who feels crumb-like, the ideal girlfriend
has much in common with a premature kitten -- just not so much that she
gets him kicked out of his apartment for violating bylaws prohibiting
pets. Such helpless kitties are frequently unemployed due to their inability
to operate technically sophisticated office equipment -- such as light
switches, bulldog clips, and ballpoint pens.
Assuming
you aren’t smelly, desperately irritating, or otherwise objectionable,
your problem is that you don’t have problems. Like a self-cleaning
oven, you’re a self-rescuing woman -- a damsel imminently capable
of extricating herself from distress with checking overdraft protection,
a rereading of the directions on her power screwdriver, or one phone call
to 24-hour roadside assistance. (You have no idea how unattractive all
this self-sufficiency can be to so many men.)
Luckily, you don’t need “so many men” -- just one actual
man. To find one, look beyond obvious indications of manhood like hair
growing out of ears and nostrils just as rapidly as hair is evacuating
the head. You’re seeking something more subtle -- a man completely
comfortable with who he is and what he does. He’s the guy who won’t
feel like a ground squirrel next to a woman who doesn’t need him
to make her happy, but wants him to stick around because he makes her
happier. Should you find a real man, give him space to play the man role.
Avoid the temptation to re-enact the part of General Sherman marching
to the sea -- barking orders and constantly court-martialing him for being
“wrong.” This won’t mark you as “un-feminist”
or unable to function on your own. It instead suggests that you’re
strong enough to stop being in charge of the entire universe for 20 minutes,
and that you’re likely to respond to his opening a door for you
by thanking him, not by slugging him in the mouth. Also, it’s sexy
for girls to be girls and boys to be boys. It sure beats the alternatives
-- taking Vindictive Shrew Lessons or practicing being fed your meals,
preemie kitty-style, out of an eyedropper. |