Perhaps he's not all that into you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

He sounds like he is talking a big game to cover. I don't know if he's afraid he can't perform, keep it up, get it up, or what. I do know that away in a hotel for the first time I'd probably forget there's a whole city out there to see because I'd be doing a different kind of exploring. That's not too focused on sex, that's the beginning of the sexual phase of a new relationship. Instead of waiting patiently, she should initiate. If he backs down or trys to deflect, she really should come out and tell him how she feels. His reaction or lack of will give her the answers she needs. Unless she'll be happy sexless because it only goes down after the newness goes away. My friend is married to an older man and hasn't had sex in 5 years. Its not everything, but also something I couldn't live without.

First and foremost check that he does not have a heart condition (or other medical issues), if he does then that would be why he's scared of "the sex". If his ticker is shaky then sex can be either very exciting for him or really freaking scary. Also hyper tension, diabetes and lots of other stuff could lead to ED. NOTHING on this green and blue planet will pistol whip a guy sex drive faster and more brutally than impotence. All attempts at sex will be tension filled and if it fails (due mainly to the anxiety) it will be a glaring reminder that he's old and limp.

If his issue are anxiety based try to wake him up in the hard and ready position. Next time he wants to spoon and snore let it go. Make sure you get up before him and start working on his self esteem, hint it's located about a hand span below his navel. If he wakes up harder than Chinese Algebra and he's still not interested in getting freaky he's got some other issue. It might be he's just not in to you that way (harsh but possible), he may also have some sexual hang up. He may have some fetish, like he prefers you to take him and be aggressive, wear some sexy (how the hell do you spell it starts with an L) , high heals, etc.

BTW unless he's both fit and some what lucky genetically a 30 year old guy would have trouble pounding away for 2 hours. Keeping it up and going for two whole hours is not the simplest thing to do at any age. If he's quick on the trigger he might like rushed hurried sex cause your not there in bed next to him telling him that it happens to all guys some times, like on sit coms.

Hmmm...my ex-husband was like that. All talk, no action. Turned out he preferred jerking it to pictures of college girls on the Internet. He masturbated "at least once a day," according to him, but when it came time to have sex, he couldn't keep it up for more than a couple of minutes. Not saying that's the case here, but he may have issues the LW isn't aware of.

nothing kills a woman's self-esteem faster than a partner who doesn't want to have sex with her.

leave. now.

Sounds like you have nice friendship started.

Great. Now you probably need to go find a guy who really wants to do you the way you want to be done, because this guy doesn't sound like that guy.

And to harp on a point others have made, 40+ gals need to remember something unpleasant: you do not inspire the same lust in men as you did when you were 23. You may have to accept that your next lover will not ravish you the way you remember it when you were 23.

I know, I know "but lots of guys find older women attractive! We older gals have life experience that makes us *sexy*!" Etc.

Um, no. There is a reason middle aged gals are not featured in porn for straight guys, except as a novelty act. Guys go for physical traits associated with fertility. When gals hit middle age (read: menopause), they start losing those physical traits. And (prepare yourselves) men stop looking at you with the same oh-my-god-I-want-her-right-now primal hunger for sex once your fertility declines.

Sorry. Life is cruel to women that way. If it is any consolation, however, most guys get to experience a brutally high sex drive in their teens for about five years before regular sexual activity provides an outlet. Live through that before complaining about life being unfair. =)

Middle-aged gals ARE featured in porn these days. My friend, the porn star, has worked with quite a few. Yeah, sometimes they're "MILFs" but a lot of them are still very hot. Check out 40 yr old Cindy Margolis on Playboy's cover this month!

I'm in my 40s, no menopause yet, and I still look 30ish. In fact, I dated two 28 yr olds and a 30 yr old last year. Plenty of lust there, trust me. Haven't you heard of the new "cougar" craze???

If the LW is still in good shape, she can easily find a younger, more verile lover. This guy shouldn't be having those problems so soon. It's a new relationship, and he doesn't even want it right off.

My ex-husband is 59, and men do start experiencing trouble pretty regularly after 50. My ex actually was until he started taking testoterone shots. I suppose he's performing better now, as he seems happier and has more ladies around. Maybe the LW should look into that, but my opinion is that if the sexual chemistry isn't there from the start - if you have to go all medical just to get there - it will probably kill it.

Don't settle. Sex is important. Don't let anybody tell you you have to settle for a dud because you're middle age. That isn't true.

I WAS 23 when my husband showed a preference for Internet college girls. Go figure.

It's OK. I didn't get any in my 20s, but I've resolved to spend my 30s being a filthy whore.

MonicaP...You go, girl! That's the spirit!

God, I'm having the best sex of my life right now. My boyfriend is 48, but he's soooooo hot! I get weak in the knees just looking at him, from every angle.

And I went through a lot of duds - of all ages - to get here. Age doesn't necessarily guarantee anything. You can be with someone young - male or female - who really sucks in bed.

I just want the LW to know that. For awhile, I almost let people like spartee convince me that I needed to settle. I dated this 53 yr old guy who was horrible in bed, but I kept telling myself it didn't matter...he had all these other good qualities. But, you know what, it's ok to admit that sex matters to you - that you deserve to have hot sex.

At this age, you're in your prime. It's not just knowledge. It's a lack of inhibition that we didn't have in ours 20s. Everything is just so much better...more orgasms, everything.

Guys who love internet porn are generally bad lovers anyway. They're all into fantasy, but they don't know what to do with a real live woman. Give me a man who's been with more real women, who's learned how to truly please a woman, than one jerking off to plastic barbies faking orgasms on a screen.

lovlysoul is right on the money. I'm 49, just starting menopause, but have no symptoms (only getting rid of the monthly, which is welcome). I've got guys of all ages hitting on me because I'm in great shape, dress tastefully sexy, and am very confident. I went through a lot of guys too, and prefer the young ones, late 20s, to late 30s, because SOME of them have a good healthy sex drive. The smart younger ones will learn what you like in bed, even if they haven't had much experience to draw on. The know-it-alls are the worst because they are inflexible.

My steady guy is 27 and totally into me, as well as similar in sexual styling to me, so we have great chemistry.

If the LW isn't getting any now, she's not going to ever get any, so she should just consider this guy a nice friend, and find herself a guy who thinks she's totally hot.

There is a tremendous variation in men's sexual ability as they get older, and many medications can affect performance. Could be that that's where the problem lies.

My husband is in his sixties and STILL wants sex twice a week! He's very fit, well endowed, and ready for action. Even so, I would prefer it less often because my libido is much weaker than it used to be. But I don't let on because, you know, ya gotta keep 'em happy.

Oh, and by the way, this is NOT a case of my being outrageously hot for my age! Although with the help of cosmetics and hair color I manage to look reasonably attractive and younger than I am, my body is 'way out of shape and unlikely to turn anybody on!

The way he describes it is that the pressure (down there) builds up and has to be released. Don't know if that would be medically accurate, but that's how it feels to him.

He's enthusiastic about our sex life and thrilled that he's still up for it with no problems. As for me, I'm waiting for the day to come when things slow down a bit!

Pussnboots, I hope he tries to please you too...or perhaps you are saying that you have no drive. There are topical testerone creams now for women that are supposed to help increase sex drive.

My ex wanted sex all the time, and to be honest, I felt the same as you...wondering when he was finally going to get "too old" for it. Even when he had erectile trouble in his 50s, he still wanted to keep trying, even when it wasn't working properly, you know? That led to some fairly disappointing encounters at times. But he wasn't ready to give it up - then or now - and I doubt he ever will be. For him, sex is an emotional compulsion as well as physical.

He was actually a pretty good lover, but the real issue for me was that I no longer respected him, so sex just wasn't fun anymore. I wanted it to end, and sadly was hoping for that, even though I was only in my 30s.

I didn't know what to expect sexually when I finally divorced. Times had certainly changed since I'd last been single, and I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy sex with anyone else either, but I've obviously discovered the answer to that!

A lot of older guys have a double standard about sex, or rather constrictive, old-fashioned ideas about trying certain things. But if your husband is open, maybe you could try some sex toys? Vibrators are wonderful for awakening desire. And they make them now where they're easy to use during intercourse, so you both can be satisfied simultaneously.

They also make wonderful lubricants too - if he's well-endowed, you might be having pain. They sell them in the drugstore (you may already know this, but just in case).

Just some suggestions that might help. I hate to think of you just waiting for him to peter out (pardon the pun :-)

Thanks, lovlysoul, for all the good suggestions. Loved the pun!

The problem with lack of drive is that one isn't motivated to acquire what one isn't interested in -- catch 22. But if I were able to increase my sex drive it would just lead to frustration, as my husband is a Speedy Gonzales -- I read somewhere that this is due to his age. (Can't compare with how it was in his youth, as we've been married only ten years.)

I do use a smidgen of lubricant, just enough to facilitate matters without interfering with sensation. But there again, I would be reluctant to use anything that would get me all stimulated and then leave me hanging.

As for using toys, my husband would be shocked if I were to suggest it, and I'd be embarassed as well. Although I do enjoy the closeness and the cuddling, I have no desire to prolong the activity.

So, as long as he's happy to feel all macho and virile, I'm content to leave things as they are and wait it out -- it can't go on forever, can it? Can it ???

Pussnboots, I used to fear it could, and now I hope it will! lol

I'm not sure that his age has anything to do with him being speedy. Most guys seem to get better at lasting with age, but I'm not sure. It may be that he's concerned about losing his erection, so he's going too fast.

At any rate, that isn't an excuse to ignore your needs. If you get worked up, there's plenty he could - and should - do for you afterwards.

I know, in a way, it's probably like, "Why bother?" Believe me, I've been there. What you feel isn't just due to your age. I think a lot of young women are in the same boat. Why get excited if you're not going to be satisfied? I remember thinking it was just too much work for so little payoff. And if you're inhibited - or he makes you feel embarrassed - to talk about new things to try, then it seems insurmountable.

Of course, if you're truly happy with the way things are, then there's no problem. But I hope you've had other experiences throughout your life that were more fulfilling - that it's more like you'd rather "retire" your sexuality with fond memories instead of never having great sex.

If it's the latter, then I suggest you be bold and bring home a toy or two. Yes, he'll be shocked...but, you never know, he might really get excited. It could be that he's Speedy Gonzalex because, deep down, he senses you just want to get it over with, so he's trying to be compassionate. He might really love to know that he is doing something to get you worked up too. Most guys do want to please you, even if they have no clue how.

And my motto is that it's never too late to learn! My mom is 75, remarried for the past 9 years (to a childhood sweetheart), and one day, she said, "You know, that viagra...that's really a wonder drug, isn't it?!" I don't think she'd ever enjoyed sex before, so now, in her golden years, she's finally discovering what it's all about.

So, if you want to explore it, you should.

Sounds like my ex-husband, all talk and no action. We had sex approx. once a month for five years, then he unilaterally decided "no more." I put up with it for a year but finally called it a day. If I were you, I'd leave now. It's not going to get any better.

Lovlysoul ~~ Oh yes, I've had plenty of great sex in the past, but just can't get excited about it any more, for whatever reason. I'm satisfied to rest on my laurels and coast along with hubby -- I know he enjoys our brief little dances, and I can't say I don't, just wish they were a bit less frequent.

The only reason I brought it up is to show why I don't believe LW's new guy's lack of enthusiasm is age-related, seeing that it's way too soon for that (in my opinion). He's what, in his forties? Some men are active in their seventies, maybe even eighties!

I think Amy's right about giving the guy a chance to relax a bit and possibly overcome his performance anxiety, if that's the problem. If that doesn't work, probably a discussion will be necessary, and they can see if anything can be done to remedy the situation. If not, she's GOTTA move on and look for someone who can give her what she wants and needs. Any red-blooded man would be more than happy to accommodate her, I'm sure!

Okay, so he's 55 -- still not necessarily too old to have good sex, unless there are other causes besides age.

I didn't dare to scroll up and check his age while I was writing my last post because if I do that I often lose what I was writing and have to start all over again. This has happened countless times and I still can't figure out what I'm doing wrong.

Will try to remember to refer to the thread BEFORE engaging keyboard!

Debbie, I know exactly how you felt. My ex-husband had no interest in sex either. We had sex maybe once every 2 to 3 months. I left after 8 years of feeling unattractive and not worth his time of effort. I've always been angry that he couldn't get enough of me when we were dating, but as soon as we got married and were living under the same roof he treated sex like a chore. I use to watch TV talkshows where husbands would complain about their wives not longer wanting sex after they got married and I would sympathize. It does horribel things to your self esteem and kills a realtionship.

" I should say something, but it's so awkward "

I will never understand how people can get naked with each other but talking is awkward. How much time can you spend wondering and worrying before you finally ask what is going on?

I agree with Steamer. All of that hemming and hawing is wasted time that could be spent on the good stuff. Or time realizing this isn't the match for you and that you should be moving ahead.

He had to wait until his Viagra went to work. That is why he wanted to go out. He popped his little blue pill and had some time to kill until he was ready. Give me a call, I'll rock that 46 yr old body!

Nah, I don't think so -- she said the sex was "bland." With Viagra wouldn't it be much better than that ??