Sigh. A perfect match. Guys like him need girls like her to make them feel that it's okay to treat a girl like shit. Sounds like HRH Boyfriend has spent a lifetime cultivating a sense of entitlement and grandeur, convincing him that it's okay for people like him to treat everyone else as "beneath him," and along she comes, perfectly willing to enforce this idea.

If I had their addresses, I'd mail them both two buckets of ice water, and tell them to stick their heads in it.

"He sometimes doesn't invite me to events where everyone brings a spouse or a date." Not sure about this one. If he were actually ashamed of her he would not invite her at all. I'd say he maybe avoiding a particular relative. She might want to ask him why and want specifics as to why he doesn't want her at this event.

I'm assuming she has met the parents by this "I apparently passed the initial vetting process" so if she was a social no no she'd just be banned outright. This goes double if he's out of his 20s. If he's still under 30 they might accept her as a short term plaything.

LW: Your putting up with a lot of crap for some guy so ask yourself this is it that he's so fantastic or are you social climbing?

"Your real problem is your failure to be difficult." You know, this is a problem I've had most of my life--and not only with boyfriends, but with family, friends, and coworkers. Damn!

Ugh. My father married a woman who thought he was beneath her--and her friends thought so, too. Despite them being people who'd gotten by their whole lives on money earned by others, while he is a self-made man who is world-renowned in his artistic field (but he's not a lawyer or businessman, so he doesn't make the grade). Meanwhile, my father felt really lucky to be accepted by her despite differences in social standing/bank account. Meanwhile, I thought this was all kind of a joke at first--like, 'aren't people who think that way completely ridiculous? What is this, a Ginger Rogers movie or something?' 20 years on, it's no joke. NEVER marry someone who thinks you're beneath them. They will crush your self-esteem. You will never be good enough. And their lack of regard for your social position has nothing to do with your job or your bank account or your social position, and everything to do with their own twisted way of seeing the world, and their own scheming for the upper hand in the relationship.

A basic requirement in a healthy relationship is respect - for each other and for one's self. (Other requirements include mutual desire etc but they are not relevant to this case.) Respect for the LW is missing, both from the BF and from herself. He's giving out shit and she's accepting it.

Getting the BF to change is difficult. It is something only he can do - it's a waste of time trying to change him. So my advice to the LW is this: walk away and concentrate on changing yourself to achieve good self-esteem. Tell your BF what you are doing and why. Ask Amy for a reading list.

This will be good for you for the rest of your life. It is possible the BF will see what is happening and change also, but don't count on it.

Oh, and red flags:
1) His family has sycophants and hangers-on. Only narcissistic people who like being followed around by yes men so that they can constantly be reminded how wonderful they are have sycophants and hangers-on.

2) There's a "vetting process." There shouldn't be a vetting process involving one's family. While one's family's opinion can matter, in terms of them giving advice and support, seeing things one might miss in the haze of giddy new love, "vetting process" makes it sound like he's seeking permission, and that's going too far.

3) I feel like he and others don't think I'm "fabulous" enough. His treatment of you is causing you to feel bad about yourself. Never what one looks for in a healthy relationship.

4) He said his not including me is related to issues he has with letting go and trusting, and mentioned an ex who attended events with him, then let him know she was doing him a favor. This worries me, because it goes back to what I said about people trying to get the upper hand in a relationship. Is it that he doesn't want to owe his girlfriend for doing him a favor, but would rather she owe him for doing her a favor by inviting her to family events? (just throwing out the question--not enough data to make any conclusion). But another red flag about this comment is that he thinks it's OK to impose his issues on you. He's treating you disrespectfully, but that's OK because he's suffered?? His explanation just doesn't pass the smell test. He has committment issues, but he's blaming it on some ex-girlfriend, rather than himself.

As it happened, my family loves my wife (probably more than they love me, truth be known, but that's understandable, she's super and deserves it.)

If I had to choose between her and them, it would be an easy choice. I got a girl who left her country, language, customs and family to move a third of the way around the world to be with me. I can only try to remain worthy of that trust, whatever the cost, and marvel that I was so blessed.

If he doesn't feel that way about her, why is he wasting his time with miss good enough instead of looking for miss right?

Vlad brings up an interesting point when he asks if she's social climbing. Maybe she's not, but that could be either the BF or family's preception. It's really strange that they're officially a couple, but he's attending events without her. This indicates that either 1)He doesn't want to present her to his social circle as his girlfriend because she's not good enough (or permanent enough), or 2) BF's family/social circle doesn't want her there.

If he thought they had a future together, he'd want her to come with him.

I'm just going to play devil's advocate for a second here. It could be that he doesn't take her to these events because he's aware that his family members are a bunch of raging a**holes and he isn't willing to expose her to that. He is obligated to attend but doesn't want her to deal with the buttheads that are his relatives. Of course, if that were the reason, he could just have said so. I don't really think that's the case but it is a possibility.

Why is she so determined to ingratiate herself to a family she obviously has contempt for? When she says things like socially prominent family, complete with a long line of sycophants and hangers-on, I'm wondering how objective her opinion is, especially since she's not always included in events where these "sycophants and hangers-on" (whom the bluebloods would probably call "friends") are present.

I love Amy's answer to this letter, particularly the phrase: "become somebody who couldn't fathom trying to 'cope' with a guy who balks at presenting her". Great advice. Just to cover all the bases, though, it's possible that the guy may still feel he's only dating, and doesn't have to bring a girlfriend, or the same girl, to every event. Advice columns are rife with boyfriends and girlfriends who feel that they have to be part of every single event in their partner's lives short of bathroom visits (and I don't want to know if those are included as well). Doesn't every wedding these days include that quote about allowing spaces in your togetherness? It doesn't sound like that's the case here, especially given his stupendously lame excuses, but it's worth mentioning.

I wouldn't want to subject any of my boyfriends to my family, so that is a possibility, but I tell them that's the reason they don't get to meet the nutjobs. He isn't telling her that, so I would assume he's ashamed of her.

Jonathan, is there some reason you copied another one of my columns and pasted it into a comment form and posted it above? I've unpublished it.

Well this guy's family doesn't sound like any fun to me. Certainly she must be able to find something else worth doing!

I don't always take DH to family things. Sometimes, I just want time with my family. He gets the same. Or maybe his family does draw the line at some events to spouses only, although that doesn't sound like the case here. Either way, she shouldn't be sitting home while he attends these. She should find her own fun thing to do. That way, she's got a life if it is him not really wanting to commit to her, and she's got a life if he does want to. Win win.

But, wait! LW is missing out on a really fun opportunity to observe a goofy sub-set of humanity. Believe me, I know these people and it's a blast to eat their canapes and watch the show. And as far as being looked down on? Everybody looks down on everybody whether it's the car you drive, the school you went to, or any of the other million things people use to make themselves out to be better than. I guess it's a healthy self esteem thing, but I just don't take their condescension seriously. I think it's kind of quaint and definitely entertaining. So go, eat, watch. And, if you really want to have fun, join in and bring a score card.

I'm wondering if packratt has a point: the guy has family that he's ashmed of or just doesn't like, and he doesn't want to subject her to that. I'll admit that I don't know why he wouldn't just tell her so; the only thing I can think if is that he doesn't want to spoil her vision of what "high society" is, but it doesn't sound like she has any delusions in that area anyway.

I think everyone may be overlooking the obvious. The guy has another girlfriend. He can't take this girlfriend to any events he needs to be seen with the other girlfriend, or where her crowd may see him.

Let me guess? Was he sick on Valentines Day? Came down with something at the last minute?

Hmm... that theory would fit the data too.

Nothing wrong with a female with no or low self-esteem. Men love women like that; they don't have to 'try hard' to please them...the women 'go with the flow' and never make waves. Men marry them for those reasons...we need lots of low-esteem women to match up with asshole/blow-hards/who-think-they're-God's-gift-to-women....Let them continue on...he'll end up marrying her..she'll get what she wants, he'll be happy.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

Great post, I think blog owners should acquire a lot from this web site its real user friendly. So much fantastic information on here :D.

Great artical! I'll be sure to review it again . Thank you for sharing!

Payless 2 Sell or Buy Clearwater Realty, 78 S Fort Harrison Ave, Clearwater, FL 33756 (727) 487-1411

Tampa Real Estate Agent