"... a big tumor with driving privileges." – that's hilarious! Yeah, really, the newlyweds need to stay firm and tell the parasitic fam to back the fuck off. Eww!

Dang, it would be hard to get into a situation like that. Thank god they are getting a grip on it, or at least attempting to BEFORE they get married. The dad is probably so PW it's unreal. Oy vey, inlaw problems are the worst, I have known people that had to make their friends their family because their family of origin was just too screwed up. Glad I'm single!

You're right, and they have to put on a united front. (It sounds like that's what they're doing.) When you're married, your SPOUSE is your family. The reason my in-laws don't ever give me any trouble is that my husband will tell them to f*ck off if they do.

Wow.

Before my parents got married, my father's mother told him that if he and my mother got married, he wouldn't be considered a part of their family anymore (her big sin was having been married and widowed previously. Yes, that scheming woman.). My mother returned the ring and told him to let her know one way or the other. They got married, we've never had a relationship that's more than cursory with his parents, and miraculously, it's all worked out (they celebrated their 28th wedding anniversary in December).

But it's a big thing to understand that by choosing your spouse, you may indeed have to choose to redefine your relationship with your family. Clearly, this goes beyond quirky or annoying and into downright disordered.

By the way, she mentioned that her fiance had cut ties with his sister and mother before-then what happened? Obviously the behavior he meant for them to stop didn't, and he's still playing this game with them. I would take that as a huge warning sign.

The LW needs to come to terms with the fact that there may be no 'polite way' to handle this. People like the parents and this sister don't play by the same 'polite' rules that others do.

The LW and soon-to-be husband don't have to be mean - but they must be direct and unmovable in this situation. The parents and sister must be completely clear on the fact that Sis is not moving in.

With manipulative cretins like these, there can be no negotiating and no explaining of your actions - except to remind them that when people start their married life together, they start it as man and woman/husband and wife, not husband and wife & his sister.

Also it would be good to point out to them that if communications are cut off, it will be their actions that cause it. Because the blame game is what's coming next: They'll start blaming the LW because they no longer hear from their son/brother. Then they'll use that claim to try and drive a wedge between husband and wife.

People like this are both despicable and creepy.

Ew. Is it just me who finds the sister's behavior extremely creepy and stalkery? I hope the LW doesn't have a pet rabbit.

@ahw:

Your view on spouses is spot on. After my brother got married to his long-time girlfriend, my view of her changed. She was now officially part of my extended family, but more importantly, she was now his family. She's the next of kin, not any of his blood relatives. And that's just how it is.

If your family tells you to choose between the woman you want to marry...and them...as far as I'm concerned they went and gave the best reason in the world to choose her.

Love that is dependent upon control is not love.

I think the LW might want to postpone the wedding for awhile. It's going to be easier to extricate herself from this mess without the ring.

If her fiance broke off ties before but is now putting up with this kind of BS again, I'd say that's a huge red flag right there. He needs to work out his issues with his family before he starts his own.

Ugh, I hope Ted lets the ties to his mother and sister remain cut. The sister's behavior is indeed very creepy and stalkerish, and the fact that the mother encourages this, instead of encouraging the sister to grow the hell up, is another whole level of dysfunctional. If Ted's dad is worth maintaining contact with, maybe Ted can keep in touch with him on the sly. Does Ted's dad have a cell phone? A computer at work with a separate e-mail address? Maybe the two of them could meet for lunch every now and then. I'd definitely keep the mom and sister at arm's length, though.

" ... but try to keep in mind that it's Sue, not Anne Frank, who's being told there's no room in the attic." Hee hee hee - well put.

Advice Goddess,
Is there any question you don't have the answer to? Again, you have hit the nail on the head. What is with little Sue? She needs to grow up and get a life. Her brother is totally right in cutting her off. Otherwise his just playing into his Greek tragedy of a storyline that his family is sucking him into. His little sis is totally turning him into "the man in her life."

@Ann: "I think the LW might want to postpone the wedding for awhile...If her fiance broke off ties before but is now putting up with this kind of BS again, I'd say that's a huge red flag right there."

I'd hope they wouldn't have to break it off, Ann, but I see where you're coming from, and I'm afraid you might be right. It sucks being caught between fiancée and Mom; hopefully he's tough enough to do right be his soon-to-be wife.

But the one I can't figure out is Sister Sue. Following her brother from Army assignment to Army assignment? I've heard of younger sisters being a little jealous when their big brothers marry, but this seems a little much. Is she just an immature, manipulating brat, or is this something scarier?

First, I have to tell you that I found your site via your interview with Dr. Helen on PJTV and I have been wasting many otherwise productive hours reading your columns. I'm in love (platonic, of course).

On to this LW: My husband's family is incredibly controlling, and I honestly wish that I'd put my own wedding on hold and told him he needed to figure some things out. By accepting it as "the way things were," I've spent years having to fight with them for control of my life, my home, and my time.
His mother was the nicest of the bunch, and the handling of her funeral is what finally caused a real division between my husband and his family. But it took them sending him on errands during his OWN MOTHER'S WAKE. My heartfelt advice to this writer is to reconsider marrying a man who has "cut ties" with these creepy women previously. He probably didn't cut them off completely before, and will not do so in the future.

So yeah, if by "polite way" the LW means "way we can pretend this isn't happening", no, there is no polite way. In this case, "polite way" means being polite when Ted tells the family "we cannot have this kind of relationship, so until you decide you want to change, please don't contact us again". I've been reading Anna Valerious's Narcissists Suck blog a lot lately, and from what I've read there, the only way to handle the parents and sister is to cut them off cold and go on with your life. Maybe they'll change... but don't hold your breath. Actually, in this case, it sounds like Ted already put his foot down once, and then the family wormed his way back in by promising that they had changed, when clearly they had not. Given that, then, the more appropriate response may be "have a nice life, bye." Sorry to say, but sometimes it's necessary for one's own sanity.

I cut off ties with my mother once and my dad kept begging me to call her or anything. So I did it, big mistake. I cut off contact again and tell my dad nicely to not bother nagging me to call mother. LW's fiance can always find a way to talk to his father that wouldn't involve the mother or sister. My bratty sister got off my case when she was 14 and found out she could have her own life. Sheesh.

At one point, my mother-in-law tried to convince my husband to leave me. He left her and set clear boundaries. As a result, we will be celebrating 17 years of marriage soon. I hope letter writer's fiance is able to do this for the sake of their relationship and their sanity.

During the first year of my parent's marriage they lived with his mother while their house was being constructed. Both women are very strong willed and stubborn and they were constantly butting heads. Evidently concerned over how upset his wife was becoming, he told his mother not to make him choose between them as it would not go favorably for her. She backed off.

Interestingly, mom and grandma became pretty close after my parents moved out. Sometimes you just need to set up boundaries and give yourself some distance to make things work out, I suppose.

I agree, the LW should put the wedding on hold for now. My family is full of narcissists too, who never change and never give up on their relentless objective to ruin other people's lives. She could watch him and see if he is able to get away from those people, and see if he has the strength to resist their evil tricks.

I hope she has a nice family, because that's all they will have as far a relatives go.

"What's the polite way to handle this?"

Sounds like Ted took care of that for you, Embattled. I suggest you move-up the wedding date.

Being older doesn't automatically make one an adult. My parents would never have interfered in my marriage, I would never have let them if they tried. I would never interfere in my daughter's marriage. If you can't stand on your own, you've got no business getting married. If you are married, that's your family, not the one you were born into.

The "mommy's boy" and the battleaxe mother-in-law are so common that they are stereotypes in Japan. I guess that's because the oldest son is supposed to inherit and take care of his parents, which often means living with them. Since I'm an oldest son, my wife says she'd never have married me if I were Japanese.

*Grins* Well I did marry the oldest son, and we have been taking care of his parents. But, don't we all have to take care of our parents? You could say the Japanese just take the guesswork of 'which child' out of the equation. The oldest son is executor of the estate, becomes head of any business the family might run, and arranges elder care. No arguments, no hand-wringing.There you have it, and you just step up to the plate when the time comes.

The battle-axe bit is a separate problem, it's really deep-rooted. Pretty foolish, too...you alienate the one person who could have become your best friend...the constant harping on the daughter-in-law also indirectly says that their son wasn't smart enough to choose a good wife, but they just can't see the irony.

One may sum up the situation in two words: West Virginia.

Run away. Visualize Ned Beatty in "Deliverance" and get the heck out of there.

My question is why is the sister so attached to the brother?

Financial support? Incest? Freeloader/Slacker? Nobody likes her, so family is forced to like her? Is she is stuck in a bed and needs someone to change her IV? Mentally retarded and she needs a minder? What?

I would agree I would not get married until you think this whole fiasco is organized - with Sis have her own life and parental relationship is where the soon to be hubby wants it to be. Married and with those hassles and family members could break any marriage.

My husband's parents aren't as bad as LW, but "Mom" can be quite domineering at times. When we first for married, she just expected my husband to continue his relationship with her as if nothing had changed. (Hello! He got Married!!!) It took her 6 months to realize that calling everyday was not the thing to do to a son who had just gotten married. To this day (8 and a half years later) she still have temper tantrums if we don't do things her way. My husband's response to her, more than once has been "I sleep with my Wife, not you, Mom." That usually stops her for a few days.