I can understand why a guy would let an engagment streach out over two years, but I know of no women who really want to be married who'd let it go on for that long.

If the LW wants to go the passive agressive route and screw with his head, he should have a freind fake a call from a clinic saying he got an STD and see how she reacts.

Thats what I'd do in this situation, seems pretty obvious is over anyway, may as well have a little fun a 'twist the screws', so to speak

That should be "screw with her head

I found out from our cell phone bill...

I sure hope LW's wireless plan includes unlimited texting. Didn't it dawn on little missy that those text messages would show up on their shared bill? Maybe LW should look on the bright side: this could be solid evidence that she's, well, just a little too dumb to marry.

Well you are likely screwed so I'd just point blank her and get it over with. She's screwing around with the boss. Just have a complete exit strategy for getting out.

There is a very slight chance of the whole thing being benign but unlikely. If she's in sales given the current economy it might be work related. My wife get hundreds of texts per day but being in health and human services which are fucked sideways for funding it's expected. I've talked to others in the field and they think she's lucky it's only 150 or so per day. I have a friend who is an attorney in NY and that poor guy get some thing around 50 per hour on the weekend on his blackberry. So it does depend heavily on the field, beats having to make a 1 minute phone call to answer yes or no on something.

The number of texts shouldn't matter unless you don't have an unlimited plan. Some people are just text addicts, so long as it doesn't interfere with life. You said she's not ignoring you.

She hasn't been neglecting me lately; if anything, she's been a little more loving.
__________

This happened to me when I was married. The now ex-wife started being more loving, and I thought this is great. I thought our relationship was getting even deeper and more committed. Two days after thinking this I found out she was cheating.

Looking back, the extra loving was to either throw me off the trail or to ease her conscience.

Ms. Alkon, good pull from the pile!

This guy needs to lose over a hundred pounds...of fiance. Now. Right now.

Classy way to dump her: Sit down with her, calmly tell her what you found out, explain that you two obviously made a mistake, and--no hard feelings--you are calling it off before it goes any further. No couples therapy, no second chances, no recriminations or screaming, no let's be freinds. Just chalk it up to mutual mistake. Part ways and tell each other "have a good life, dear!"

You don't couples-therapy (verbing a noun, there) your way out of bullshit like this before you are married and have kids. You just dump people--even a fiance--and find someone else.

(Oh, and if she gets all "how could you invade my privacy?!", that is the point where you don't bother discussing it any more. Stop talking and walk away. That is the most pathetic dodge in the world. It is sociopathic BS on her part to indignantly demand to know how could you breach her trust by invading her text account when she is letting some strange guy rub his uglies on her. That is like a bank robber getting mad at the branch manager for not giving the robber the complimentary toaster as promised to all visitors.)

Vengeful way to dump her: wait until the wedding, and when the minister turns to you, rather than your vows, you recite some of the most embarassing text messages to her and the guests, then turn to the assembled guests and explain, in excruciating detail, why you are walking back down the aisle alone, and leaving her at the altar. Mention the dude's name, where he works, how long the fiance was doing this stuff. Everything. Have your best man pass out copies of the text messages to her parents! Then march down the aisle with only your tuxedo-clad posse in tow and your cojones chiming like church bells.

If you do the second, we will certainly hear about it. You will be a real life urban legend, and your internet fame will be eternal. And if her parents are paying for the wedding, well, the second option is looking even better...

I'm not sure how option two is better if her parents are paying. Her parents aren't cheating on him.

But I recognize a revenge fantasy when I see one. Hopefully, he'll just keep this as a fantasy and save them all the drama.

Just to be clear, I would tell my son to go the first route, since that is much wiser. I would likely be willing to help a buddy with the second route, though, if he wanted help.

Putting aside amusing revenge scenarios, the letter writer needs to gather more facts to confirm or end his concerns. He likely has a problem, though, and it is one that should be ended by ending the relationship.

Revenge fantasies aside... Before he talks to her about this, he needs to make sure any comingled or joint accounts are seperated. It they have any bank/credit/phone/mortgage accounts, he needs to be ready to deal with all of that (or have already dealt with it) before he approaches her. I think that a few of you know what a pissed off woman is capable of doing to your financials, even if she's the one who fucked up.

I'd suggest presenting her with the phone bill, asking for an explanation, and in the same conversation (assuming she's denying), asking if he can have a look at her phone.

Has he met the guy? Maybe he really is gay. You never know. I do agree with previous posters, though, that extra love could be to alleviate her feelings of guilt or throw him off.

Amy, this is your best column to date! I laughed out loud at at least three points. You have really been on a roll lately! Or maybe writing these books has just really sharpened you up in the last year. Your writing has become wittier and more to the point, and as a longtime reader I can see how you've honed your craft over the years-- it's really awesome to watch. Keep it up! :)

If you're about to marry someone and you can't ask her, "honey, why are there hundreds of texts a day on our bill to one number?" then maybe you should reconsider marriage.

You know I thought my STD bit for screwing with the bride was good, but I like the wedding idea way better

Here's the problem with the "Vengeful way to dump her": it involves "wait until the wedding." Why waste any more time at all with her? The classy way is a lot better. You just do it, and then move on and go do something else.

I must say it did seem a little strange, this business with them being engaged for two years. Not that I understand much about marriage to begin with.

How old are they? They sound like they're 15.

How old are they? They sound like they're 15.

Old enough to share a common phone bill. I would imagine they share some other bills as well. I know I sound like a crotchety old geezer when I say stuff like this, but why would you set yourself up with the complications of marriage (e.g., setting up housekeeping, joint bills, etc.) before getting, you know, married?

One thing that is odd is that she really doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to hide this liason (if it is one). I mean, she's leaving her phone out in plain view and using their shared account to text this guy. So either the texts or meaningless or she is passive agressively telling him that she wants out of this engagement. Or maybe like Old rpm daddy suggested, she's just extremely stupid. Or maybe two of the above?

In an case, she has a lot of time on her hands. Hundreds of texts a day? For me 5 texts back and forth equals maybe half a minute conversation. Texting seems like a step back in technology to phones - why not send telegrams? I usually only text someone to see if its a good time to call.

The wedding revenge scene made me laugh, although it probably would just be awkward in real life. And Amy's advice was hilarious as usual. Amy, you are an amazing writer. Melissa G mentioned a book, do you have a book published. If not you should get one published. I bet it would be hilarious.

A classic effect of affairs is that they make the cheater more loving. After all, s/he is feeling loved, is on the high of a successful infatuation, and may be having exciting new sex on the side. All that energy has to go somewhere. In situations where a cheater wants to stay in the main relationship, it may come home and benefit the partner. I'm not saying anything about whether the partner would or should welcome such a benefit, just observing that it works that way sometimes.

In situations where a cheater wants to stay in the main relationship, it may come home and benefit the partner - Calyx

Aside from the STDs that is

A classic effect of affairs is that they make the cheater more loving.

That's right. It's very typical.

Maybe she's already cheated, or is just toying with the idea. Either way, get out now!

Amy,

That is a very good point about ladies mentioning up front that they are taken when they are truly off the market.

I mention beloved boyfriend online and in real on a regular basis. Adoring him so might have a little to do with that :) How can you not adore a man who can teach you how to season an iron pan!

My take on the girl in this "relationship" is that she is either very stupid, impulsive on the toddler level, or thinks she can get away with anything she wants. Probably all of them. Shared phone bill and texting it up with some guy? Hard to explain in a rational way unless she wants to get caught or does not care.

And I so agree with all of the above! o.O

It seems very likely the girl is having an affair. As bad as that is, you are a lucky man to have found out before your wedding, or, even worse, had a child.

Warning to LW: her behavior will only get worse after your wedding if you marry her. Ask any man who has been married a long time.

"why would you set yourself up with the complications of marriage (e.g., setting up housekeeping, joint bills, etc.) before getting, you know, married?"

So you can find out if your beloved is sending hundreds of text messages to a salesman, lawyer, or crack dealer.

Any possibility that this is legit? I don't think so. If my job required me to send and receive 200 texts per day, I'd either demand that the company pay my phone bill, or expect to be provided a company-paid phone. If it's personal, than lujlp's comment is spot on: when is she getting any work done? She's cruisin' for a bruisin' with her boss. Cheating and doing bad things makes people stupid, especially if they've already been lucky and gotten away with it once or twice. I'm with Spartee: there is no working through this. Separate yourself financially, then separate yourself physically and emotionally. Don't make it a big scene; just present her with the phone bill, state that the relationship is over and this is why, and let that be it.

If the LW wants to go the passive agressive route and screw with his head, he should have a freind fake a call from a clinic saying he got an STD and see how she reacts.

Good idea. If she's innocent, her reaction will be, "Wait, how could he have gotten a save-the-date card when we haven't sent one out yet?" If she's not, well...

(Seriously, save-the-date cards are referred to as STDs on wedding discussion boards and blogs. Caused me a bit of confusion at first...)

I can understand why a guy would let an engagement stretch out over two years, but I know of no women who really want to be married who'd let it go on for that long.

I could see a woman agreeing to it if the wait were necessary to allow her fiance and her to save up enough money to have the wedding they wanted. Otherwise, I agree. The wedding planning process has its interesting points, but I seriously wonder about people who would want to endure it, even tangentially, for that long. Around Month 16 or so, I would start seeing place card numbers swimming before my eyes as I tried to go to sleep. Weddings - even the happiest of weddings conducted under the most welcome of circumstances - make people go nuts. The idea of years of the nuttiness is daunting. (Though, perhaps if you're engaged but don't really want to get married, you don't go nuts?)

"Vengeful way to dump her: wait until the wedding, and when the minister turns to you, rather than your vows, you recite some of the most embarassing text messages to her and the guests, then turn to the assembled guests and explain, in excruciating detail, why you are walking back down the aisle alone, and leaving her at the altar. Mention the dude's name, where he works, how long the fiance was doing this stuff. Everything. Have your best man pass out copies of the text messages to her parents! Then march down the aisle with only your tuxedo-clad posse in tow and your cojones chiming like church bells."

Unless you're planning to reimburse your 'tuxedo-clad posse' for their tux rental, the bridesmaids for their dresses and the guests for their airfare and hotel bills, I'd go the classy route and break up with Texterella before the invitations go out.

Sure, I can see the appeal of a last minute revenge walkout, but all the innocent people who've taken time off work and spend money on gifts, appropriate clothes, transportation and lodging don't deserve it.

"how do I approach this without being a jerk in case nothing's going on?"

Are you frigging serious??!! How do YOU not be a jerk?!! SHE'S the one having a text relatioonship with some other dude. Just confront her. Don't be a psycho, but don't be a pansy.

It's just texting. Ask her about it, but don't dwell on it unless there are other signs.

"It's just texting."

Sounds like an emotional affair.

Why don't you take her phone...she will think it's lost. Now, just act as if you were her and text the guy back with some key questions that would verify your suspicions. If it's a real affair, just take a major dump (POOP) in her bed while she's with you and then leave without an explanation....ouch!

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