Careful What You Witch For
If you love someone, and they hurt you, why do you survive on the desire to see them wounded? The man I've had a passionate on-again, off-again relationship with for eight years recently told me our getting back together was a mistake, and that he's taking up with another woman...my competition. I love him, and want to be nice about it long enough to get some cold revenge.
--Feeling Evil
If you love something...slash its tires? Oh, wait -- I think that's not quite how it goes. A lot of people feel like you do, and justify it with stuff like, "You know, there's a thin line between love and hate." No, there isn't. There's just a thin line between not getting what you want and hating the person who isn't giving it to you. If your love for somebody is contingent on being wanted by them, you don't really love them; you love being wanted. And while we're on accepted wisdom that isn't actually wise, revenge is not "best served cold" (or with a glass of Prosecco); it's best not served at all. You've got limited time on the planet, and spending it prosecuting the past is just going to mire you in feeling rejected. And what did the guy do that was so terrible? Start loving somebody else? That's exactly what you should do, and maybe can, if you work on accepting that it's over and move on -- and not just because the judge orders you to stay 75 yards away at all times.
HA! Genius. If this is not your best column, its impossible to argue why. Definitely one of your top 3.
Side note: If this LW does not take your advice, chances are she'll die bitter & alone, or with a husband whom is bitter and browbeaten.
Robert at September 8, 2009 6:21 PM
THANK YOU for this, Amy!
There are many, many women (including one of my exes) who need to have this made ineluctably clear to them.
D. Jason Fleming at September 8, 2009 6:23 PM
GREAT ANSWER!
How many women reading her letter are thinking “you go girl, get the bastard who done you wrong?” How many of those same women would be crying stalker and abuser if the genders were reversed?
David at September 8, 2009 7:11 PM
Perfect, Amy.
"If you love someone, and they hurt you, why do you survive on the desire to see them wounded?"
Because your pissed at *yourself*!
Accept the fact that *you* chose to remain in a relationship that was "on-again/off-again" for eight years and put that need for drama before your own happiness!
You chose to stay with him despite probably knowing deep down inside, that love, probably doesn't look like that - but yet, you did it any way.
And that's the itch...you had plenty of chances to leave, but you stayed. YOU stayed.
Amy is right, no amount of reckoning will fix that, or make you feel better. It will just get darker because it's a dead end road. Just gotta get up, dust yourself off like a big girl, learn from your poor choices and move on.
I keep hoping the "Heartless Bastard" excuses are tiring for women....it's so nice to see Amy get's this.
:)
Feebie at September 8, 2009 9:17 PM
I've lost count of all the women I've heard ranting about how they were burned and then took their anger out on their next relationship... that is, if they ever got that far again. I've been angry, sure, but after the initial thoughts of supergluing the locks on his front door, I've used the anger to focus critically on myself and my mistakes in the relationship. The best revenge really is to live well, and it feels exhilirating to simply hit that "ignore" button when he tries to contact you a year from now on Facebook.
Katwalker at September 8, 2009 11:56 PM
"Revenge is... best not served at all"--great way of improving on a phrase that has always puzzled me. What a terrific place the world would be if everyone followed this--global conflicts would come to a halt.
a reader at September 9, 2009 1:56 AM
When seeking revenge, it's a short road from keying to killing, as my (former now that he's gotten life without parole) friend Charlie found out . . .
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20102325,00.html
Jay J. Hector at September 9, 2009 3:08 AM
Getting revenge on guys is easy. Just find a new boyfriend and get on with your life. Nothing burns like the "you are so easily replaceable" vibe.
Even with the competition getting the gig, the grass is always greener on the other side for men. You move on and his mind will wander quite easily to what you and your love are doing with your free time together.
kevin_m at September 9, 2009 6:13 AM
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If you hate them you still have an emotional tie to the person. That tie is usually as strong or stronger than the love they had before. It's sad really that they end up wasting so much of their energy, it lessens their chances for ever being happy. When a guy does it it's stalking. When a woman does it it's revenge. Maybe we need some equality here?
JD at September 9, 2009 7:09 AM
If he really is a jerk, life will take care of the revenge for you.
I e-mailed my ex-husband a few weeks ago to let him know that I'd gotten engaged (we still email once in awhile to get life updates; he's much easier to deal with when I'm not sharing life with him), and he told me that his girlfriend broke up with him via text, and his is getting by with help from his parents because he's out of work again. I'm shallow and petty enough that I felt good about that, and I didn't even have to do anything.
MonicaP at September 9, 2009 7:09 AM
Feebie is right; the LW sounds like someone who is addicted to relationship drama.
Cousin Dave at September 9, 2009 7:40 AM
I also think the revenge thing ties into the insecurity streak in a way. But, as hard a lesson as it was for me to learn, revenge just makes you look like an asshole. Holding a grudge and wanting revenge is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. Too much wasted emotion.
Flynne at September 9, 2009 7:50 AM
"If your love for somebody is contingent on being wanted by them, you don't really love them; you love being wanted."
Spot on. I'm sure that idea by itself explains a great many failed marriages and relationships. How many people confuse the idea of having a girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse with actually having the right one?
By the way, LW, I think lots of people have thoughts of revenge after a breakup. The point, as Ms Alkon pointed out, is not to let the desire control you. If you let it, the feeling will pass. And, if you love him, you might want to consider wishing your ex-boyfriend well, at least to yourself.
old rpm daddy at September 9, 2009 7:51 AM
Sounds like the LW needs to see someone to help her develop some skills on dealing with the obsessional thoughts that accompany mildly traumatic life events like job loss, relationship heartbreak, etc.
All of us experience the repeating loop of anger, sadness, lethargy, renewed determination, etc. when facing one of those events. Our resiliency is measured by how well we deal with that loop and try and reduce its effects on our decision-making.
The LW should not let a deeply-felt, but passing, disappointment turn into a long-nursed grudge that may hamper her ability to make future good choices. Give yourself a few minutes a day to be angry at him, then stop it and get on with the day. Over time, you may find you don't need that few minutes each day. And eventually, you won't think about it him all.
Spartee at September 9, 2009 7:56 AM
"If your love for somebody is contingent on being wanted by them, you don't really love them; you love being wanted."
Perfect line, Amy. Thanks also for the timing of this phrase's appearance. This was something I needed to see right now. Beats a two by four upside the head, that's for sure!
Carl at September 9, 2009 8:26 AM
I think living well is the best revenge. That's what I've been doing since I broke up with my loser ex-husband and traded up. My new husband is wonderful and we are doing great!
Debbie at September 9, 2009 9:37 AM
I don't get the whole revenge thing when a relationship ends. I've always believed that whole with each ending comes a new begnning thing. Why waste time pining over someone who realizes I'm not what he wants? Wish him well sincerely and move on to a man who thinks you are the moon and the stars. Or even take the time to know and love yourself. That is time much better spent!
Kristen at September 9, 2009 9:57 AM
this favorite quote works for revenge as well:
“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~ St. Augustine
the other is:
revenge is a sword with no hilt. it cuts both ways.
SwissArmyD at September 9, 2009 9:59 AM
You've done a good thing here Amy. The message you are sending through today's column is important, and needs to be heard far more often in our world than it currently is.
Thank you.
railmeat at September 9, 2009 10:20 AM
The LW's main problem isn't even with the misplaced revenge wishes - it's with the fact that she stayed in an "on-again, off-again" relationship for EIGHT. DAMN. YEARS. Here's a hint: When you're with someone who really loves you and isn't a complete waste of time, it's never "on-again, off-again."
Pirate Jo at September 9, 2009 11:11 AM
Amy,
You rock! Definitely a great answer. By the way, I love your updated photo! Keep up the great work.
PJ at September 9, 2009 5:44 PM
Debbie beat me to it. The best revenge is living well. Get a better boy friend. Find that better job.
Maybe it me but is when you hear some people talk they talk about passion and how this off and on again relationship is so special. Are these people really thinking straight!? Or are they just addicted to some never ending roller-coaster ride of love.
Some part of me likes to think rationally. Simply put if it does not really work why do some keep going back and forth again and again. I mean let it just end and do not look back. You lost, it died, it ended - just go on.
John Paulson at September 9, 2009 11:42 PM
"If your love for somebody is contingent on being wanted by them, you don't really love them; you love being wanted."
Truth.
When my boyfriend of several years broke up with me, all my female friends kept offering to help me get revenge. Thing is, to this day I wish him nothing but the best. I want him to be happy. And doing him any harm would just kill me.
Granted, he is a good person (despite the fact that he broke up with me). Maybe the LW's guy was a jerk. And having someone treat you terribly is truly awful, and the rage is understandable.
But the best revenge, as others have said, is living well. And ignoring the person. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you're thinking of him at all.
sofar at September 10, 2009 4:58 PM
There must be quite a few people--not just women--who resonate with the LW's feelings. Else this would not have been such a hit.
Rex Little at September 11, 2009 3:26 AM
Link doesn't seem to work on the above post. Address is www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs
Rex Little at September 11, 2009 3:31 AM
Confuscious say, "Before embarking on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
Patrick at September 12, 2009 3:28 PM
Re: want to be nice about it long enough to get some cold revenge.
A long time ago someone told me (when I was obsessing about someone) that I had already given them enough of my time (so quit thinking of them/worrying about them) - that they didn't deserve any more of my time.
I try to remember that.
BTW, I am guilty of "being wanted by him" - what old rpm daddy said. I'm over forty and being desired and pursued again was a mighty powerful draw. But it was as LW said - on again off again. I kept thinking something would change (with the guy) to making being together the right thing.
My sad behavior regarding this man never happened before as I think I was always very lucky with men.
Will have to bulk-up on the self-esteem.
Caroline at September 12, 2009 3:59 PM
I don't necessarily entirely agree with Amy - revenge miiiiight be appropriate *if* he did something genuinely bad to you, like steal from you or abuse you or kill your cat etc. But merely choosing your "competition" over you does *not* count as something "bad". That said, it's important to realize that revenge serves absolutely no *practical* purpose at all, and from a pragmatic perspective can only lead to negative or at best neutral results. But, if he really did something horrible such that he deserved it, then your sense might be based on a legitimate desire to see justice meted out, so doing so might make you feel better --- it's certainly a more healthy outlet for those feelings than turning them inward and just feeling helpless, angry and frustrated. Just don't do anything illegal, and if you do, don't get caught. And once you've done it, move on and have a happy life, either with someone better or on your own. And don't for a minute think this will win him back in any way.
Lobster at September 17, 2009 5:38 PM
http://www.revengelady.com/rules.html
Lobster at September 17, 2009 5:46 PM
"Getting revenge on guys is easy. Just find a new boyfriend and get on with your life. Nothing burns like the 'you are so easily replaceable' vibe."
Not really, that just makes a woman look cold and slutty.
Lobster at September 17, 2009 5:48 PM
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