It's possible you aren't ready for a relationship, so no guy is right for you -- or you're so desperate for a relationship that you'll take any guy, then try to turn him into a guy you really want.

I'm going to guess the second option, since she's projecting into the future. She wants to make him over into someone acceptable, so she's obviously planning more dates with Captain Bland. I wouldn't think this letter was odd if she were already months into the relationship. Or even weeks, I guess. But planning a makeover on the first date just screams "I need someone, you're here, now let me turn you into someone I deserve to date."

Conversations with her must be soooo stimulating huh? What a bore. No wonder she's alone.

He has the potential to be really cute, but I absolutely despise his bland style

Ouch - despise? Potential? Not fond of the choice of words here. Was he nice to talk to at all, or were you too busy evaluating his chances as a male model?

But having said that...lots of the discussion here revolves around women needing to understand that men are visually oriented and that if you want dates it's worth making the effort to look pretty. Not because it's fair or just but because it will work. Surely that cuts both ways sometimes? Even early on? I just don't think he should get a free pass till after there's a "bit of a relationship". If she finds him boring, it's ok to say so then he can decide whether she's being shallow or not. A guy who rejects women because he's just not into their unplucked mo doesn't get criticised round here.

@Ltw: "A guy who rejects women because he's just not into their unplucked mo doesn't get criticised round here."

Point taken, Ltw, but we're talking about two different things here. Seems to me, the point about guys being visually oriented had more to do with whether the guys were attracted to particular women in the first place. Don't want to dress differently? Don't want to have your lip threaded? Okay, I'm not attracted to you, so I won't ask you out and that's that.

The LW here is already dating someone and wants her (potential) boyfriend to change. He was good enough for at least a first date, but too bland for further dates? Don't go out with him again, then. On the other hand, he might actually be unaware of his lack of style and might welcome an invitation to go shopping for some new clothes. Who knows?

I absolutely despise his bland style

That's a tad harsh but to some people it can be an issue. If she works in the fashion industry I can understand where it's comming from. A friend of mine works in the fashion industry and she just can't help herself. She'll correct your tie placement/length, note that your leathers (shoes and belt) don't match or stare at other fashion faux pas desperately trying not to say something. She's been paid to correct fashion faux pas for so long it's automatic. She's never critical or disparaging but just like I can't help noting design flaws in electronics she can't help seeing fashion errors.

Good point old rpm daddy, and one I did think of while I was posting. I suppose I see it as two sides of the same coin - men in general will move on, women in general try to fix perceived failings. Is either better or worse? It's just another difference in the way men and women react. I'm just saying that not going out with him in the first place (as a man would) or giving him a chance and then saying "he'd be nice but" is not necessarily much different. Maybe her attitude is coming from a lack of chemistry and she's seizing on some excuse for why it's not working out.

I still really didn't like the way she put it though.

Yes, "despise" is too harsh, and a first-date makeover is too soon. But I can totally relate to the frustration of dating a guy with no style. My (sweet, funny, awesome) BF is a great-looking guy: tall, broad-shouldered, with a tight butt and a full head of hair. Yet he insists on wearing the same uniform of black jeans and ratty grey t-shirt that clings to his only figure flaw - a slight belly - and draws the eye straight to it. It's maddening. My gentle observations like, "hey you'd look great in the shirt that guy is wearing" were met with resistance. Finally, I just bought him a damn shirt and asked him to please, just this once, put it on. For me. The reaction he got from friends that night was all he needed to ditch the old uniform. Now he's in a new rut: That shirt, or one exactly like it. But hell, I'll take it.

The best way to get a guy to change his style of dress is to have lots of sex with him. Say things like, if you wear this shirt I'll want to have sex with you all the time. We're amazingly simple that way.

Or make pointed comments about style. "Celebrity X has a great style. I just love xxxx shirt with xxxx pants. He has your build, too. You would rock that look."

Gaaaaawd, Doug, i wish someone had told me that when i was younger!!! Life would have been oh-so-much simpler ;) Who knew fucking like bunnies was connected to high fashion?

But don't you think that there are women who (might not admit it, but) are into "the nerd look"???

BTW Old rpm Daddy: we women - at least some of us - are also visual animals... i know i am. Don't hang that one on men only. But if LW doesn't like the way he is, who he is, select Door #2 and get on with the game.

I don't get it-what's wrong with bland? I mean, I can see the LW balking if her date showed up in, say, a Family Guy t-shirt and ripped up gym shorts, but bland could just mean "I left all my exciting shirts at the drycleaners" or "I like to play it safe on the first date." If LW really likes this guy, then bland shouldn't be a dealbreaker-it's the easiest thing in the world to buy him a few new shirts once they've consistently started dating. On the flipside, if he's really boring or they just don't click then a new wardrobe isn't going to change that. Either way it's really a nonissue, especially this early in the game-wait to see what he wears to date #2.

@Bluejean: "we women - at least some of us - are also visual animals... i know i am."

Oh, I'm not saying you're not. I do think that, by and large, men and women express it in different ways. Women, like the LW above, might be more inclined to get men to change their looks, while men wouldn't have bothered chasing women they didn't find at least satisfactorally attractive in the first place. I'm speaking only generally, of course. And, as we've seen in the comments, a woman trying to give a man a makeover might not be such a bad thing if she does it right and he's receptive. Mighta helped me, back in my college days...

This guy better put her as far in his rear view mirror as he can. He is her toy and when he is dressed up to her satisfaction then comes the big kiss off. Dude better run fast. I don't think this has anything to do with being a "visual creature".

I am tired of dressing up. It is a stupid topic. Why do women talk about clothes so much? Blah, blah. Snore, snore.
I guess if you are unable to make good conversation.......

You know what kinds of men pay attention to fashion? In general it is motly Gay men and players. A few others have learned how to dress to impress women but it does not come naturally to them. When I met my husband he fortunately was wearing a uniform as were all the other guys in the army school we were both attending. It took me six weeks to find out that all the civilian clothes he had to his name other then t shirts and shorts for PT were two pairs of thread bare courdory pants, and two izod style sports shirts that had seen better days.(Blue jeans were not allowed at West Point) Other than combat boots he also had one ratty pair of loafers. I was able to fix that tactfully about the time we got engaged. Most men are agreeable enough to wear whatever you want them to wear within reason but trying to fix a guy after the first date? Sounds obsessive compulsive to me.

I would never even dream of telling a guy how to dress. If I don't like the way he looks, I'm not going out with him! Problem solved. OTOH, if I do like the way a guy looks, except for one or two articles of clothing, the first date isn't the time to tell him that. Maybe the 4th or 5th. At a concert. "Dude! Check out that shirt! Want one?"

Never understood this tendency in some women, but no matter how I analyze it it's off-putting. My first thought is that she looks at him and sees a huge dress-up doll, like a 6-year old girl playing with dolls. Or when she looks at him and sees "potential", what she means is that she thinks 'oh what this guy is obviously missing in his life is ME, to complete him'. Or she's just extremely controlling, and already wants to start controlling mundane aspects of his existence from day one. Or, either she doesn't like this guy and wants to change him, or she feels the need to change anyone she goes out with. Using the word "makeover" after a first date sounds sociopathic to me, like she doesn't see 'humans', she sees pawns onto which she can project the wonderfulness that is *her* and her 'superior' dress sense ... it's insulting. I advise the LW to tone down a bit on this odd compulsive habit of hers, have a few more dates and broach the topic cautiously. Who knows, maybe the dude is just looking for someone to take care of buying him clothes. I mean, maybe months into a relationship, sure, buying clothes for him could be just a way of 'taking care of your man', and then it's a good thing, sure. This doesn't sound like that though.

I must say though, I also generally dress bland, and my last girlfriend (months into the relationship, at least) started buying me clothes, and at first I hated it and we even fought over it ... it made me feel like a big dress-up doll, and the style didn't (initially) feel like 'me'. But now, the clothes that she bought me are all my favorites. I'd almost hire her as a dress sense advisor if we were still on friendly terms.

"You know what kinds of men pay attention to fashion? In general it is motly Gay men and players."

Lol .. that is true.

There are also ways and means to more subtly guide someone to dress more like you want them to. One is to insultingly say 'I absolutely despise your bland style, you need a complete makeover, from me obviously'. That approach probably won't turn out well. The other uses more subtle hints and positive (not negative) reinforcement ... one day (in a relationship, weeks or months from now), for example, while clothes shopping (or if you happen to be walking past some clothes shops), you could point to something he normally wouldn't buy and say 'I think this might look good on you, why not try it on', and then compliment him if it does indeed look good on him, which will make him feel good wearing that. Or if he has some old, ugly T-shirts, don't say "we need to replace these shirts, they're ugly", focus on the old-ness rather, e.g. "these shirts are looking old (or have holes in, or whatever), maybe we can go shopping together for some new ones sometime".

Why do so many women think they can change a man into who they want him to be??/

It's like they think they are building Frankenstein in a laboratory.

And why are so many women offended when a guy wants them to change?

I'm a cowboy hat & boots guy.

I am willing to go suit and tie down to jeans and t-shirt. My work outfit is generally jeans & polo, now. But I still wear the boots.

If you want to change that, I'm going to ask "Why?"

That she is asking in the first date -- I'd advise him to run awayt, very far away.