I don't think a guy (or girl) is completely off the hook as long as they're "honest". The words have to match the deeds. Has anyone seen Shopgirl with Steve Martin? His character starts a relationship with Claire Danes'. He tells her he's not looking for anything long-term, but his actions over the course of their "casual" relationship , i.e. caring for her while she is ill, calling her while she is away because he misses her, feeling guilty when he sleeps with someone else, are the actions of a boyfriend, not a casual fling. She is hurt when the relationship ends, and he's surprised. After all, he was "honest" in his intentions from the very beginning.

I've sometimes used the line "I've got committments elsewhere", meaning I'm committed to myself and my own freedom! That's been when I've been single and sure that I wasn't looking.

But this is tricky. I've had it happen to me that a man has made this honest pronouncement way too soon, prompting me to want to say "Hey, I've only known you five minutes. What gives?"

Or, I worked with a woman (who, btw wasn't what anyone would call a beauty) who would deliberately show off her wedding band a minute or so after meeting a man, with the intention of "fighting him off." I had the pleasure of overhearing a bunch of male colleagues describing this behaviour of hers and I have to admit it gave me a really good laugh.

I think a nice way of doing it is to bring up the subject of dating and then say something along the lines of "I not in a position to do much about that right now," and say no more.

Now, that's presuming the LW isn't looking for a roll in the hay. If he is, well, that's a whole different matter. Most women, upon being told upfront that he's a non-starter, aren't going to bite. And the ones who are up for the "challenge" he's posing probably have some other very serious chanllenges they're dealing with, (if you get my drift).

Is the LW really sure these women are hitting on him? I think of that woman with her wedding ring and I KNOW for a fact that she was mistaking these fellas' "Hellos" and "Hi There's" for torrid sexual propositions. She had a bit of a perception problem, is what I'm saying.

If a woman I had just met purposely showed me her wedding band, I would assume that she was telling me she was off the market. I've even heard of unmarried women wearing them to discourage being hit on. Maybe this woman was doing a form of bragging, I don't know.

Personally, I would not worry about it. Everyone is an adult here, so they know the game and what they are getting into. You need to keep in mind that alot of these women are thinking the same thing about you: I hope he just wants to fool around...I don't need a relationship...

I've done the wedding ring thing a few times when a guy starts chatting to me. Of course, for all I know the guy is just being friendly or whatever. One doesn't want to be super obvious about it, in case he's just a friendly person looking for a chat. I usually reach up with my left hand and tuck a lock of hair behind my ear.

I should clarify. The woman with the wedding band was REALLY obvious. Like she had this super-pleased-with-herself look on her face while she did it.

She did it to a boyfriend of mine (we were together when it happened) and he just gave me this withering WTF look that almost made me laugh out loud. What I'm saying is that he was obviously with me and did nothing to prompt this woman's little show. And that's why her behaviour struck me as funny (and struck some her male colleagues as ridiculous). I think some of their wives and girlfriends were a bit miffed too.

It's a funny anecdote, nothing more.

When I find myself being chatted up (or seemingly so) by someone when in I'm a relationship, I find some subtle reason to bring up the boyfriend. Even if I end up doing it clumsily, I still think it's better to get the info out ASAP. And when it happens to me, like when a man subtly mentions his SO while we're talking, I try not to get an attitude about it as in "Wow, he's being pretty presumptious," although if I'm honest, I DO feel that pang occasionally.

But it's a tricky situation to navigate. Sometimes people of the opposite sex ARE just having an innocent chat with you. I know I can sit down and chat with just about anyone and I rarely have a bigger agenda in mind, so I get it that chats can and are usually harmless. But I also understand that sometimes it's easy to mistake a person's level of interest in a topic for interest in me.

I guess we all have egos. But I think wearing a wedding band to "fend off' potential partners is going a bit too far. Just my opinon.

Yeah, its hard. I'm a very chatable person apparently. Random strangers like to chat. I must have an open vibe, or maybe I'm just not good about shutting them down. In any case, I'm happy to chat with strangers on the bus or wherever, but need to make it known that I'm taken so it doesn't go there.

Wearing a wedding band when you're single to fend people off is a bit odd, I agree.

"But, what if a date leads to crunch time on a woman's sofa? Do I pause the action early on and make a public service announcement? Waiting till afterward seems unfair"

No, you don't make a public service announcement. Don't forget your prime directive as a fellow man -- first, get your dick wet. Only then is it necessary to turn into a pussy who gives a shit about whether or not the woman had something else in mind for "the relationship".

If it's a relationship she's after, she should do a little more research while keeping that book closed between her knees rather than the mattress strapped to her back.

You, like me, are a single man in your forties. Here's a news flash. Single women in their forties like cock as much as we like pussy. They're not always in the market for a relationship either. If it's "crunch time", then she decided it was crunch time. They have the power in that regard. Crunch away.

Ladies, sorry for my vulgar language. I feel that this guy needed a little tough love from a brother.

This guy's 40 and successful but can't figure out how to introduce the fact that he's not looking for a relationship? - and he has no interest in a relationship with anyone, ever? Has he ever dated before?

I hear a lot of guys say this sort of thing, until they meet someone they really like, then their attitude changes. The big problem w/ being a single male at 40 is that almost all of the women you find attractive are too young to date. So I think that some guys broadcast that they're not interested in a relationship to avoid the awkwardness of constantly turning women down. If there's anything you learn, it's that middle aged women don't like being rebuffed, or for their friends to be rebuffed, and can be extremely vindictive.

If there's anything you learn, it's that middle aged women don't like being rebuffed, or for their friends to be rebuffed, and can be extremely vindictive.

Oh horseshit. We just don't like being led on or lied to. Be upfront, be honest, and you'll get more pussy than you would by being a dick about it all. And, as most of us have found out by now, a big dick is just that.

Well said, Flynne.

I dated a fella from an outdoors club in my city. Well, we went out on about half a dozen dates when I realized that while he had all the things I SHOULD have desired-great job (areospace engineer), his own home, great income and, not too shabby looks, I just didn't feel any spark. Not a one and I had zero desire to jump in the sack with him. (I kept that fact to myself, btw.)

The thing is, he and about half a dozen of his (mostly married) pals also belonged to the group. When I finally told the fella I didn't feel any spark, he seemed disappointed, but accepting.

Not so his buddies! I was "accidently" sent an email that was supposedly intended for someone else. In it I was described me as an ungrateful bitch who, at 40, should know better than to turn down this Mr. Wonderful since, hah, he was probably my last chance at finding happiness. It was vicious and as I said, sent "accidently" to me by one of his buddies. I should also say his buddies stopped speaking to me full stop. I showed up for an outing and it was like I didn't exist. And, even the wife of one of his buddies--a friend from another social circle--cooled toward me. I took it in stride, but joined another outing group shortly afterward.

I think vindictiveness is like a virus--anyone, of any gender, can catch it.

I'm 50 now and have had two relationships since, one for three years and one for five.

ie, I think of my mother's best friend, sadly now deceased, who married, what, four times? And had countless lovers in between. She knew that I had been a Very Bad Girl before I got married, and told me not to worry, there would always be men who were interested; she had lovers into her late 60s/early 70s, when her final illness became too acute for her to be sexually active. And still she had male friends.

As for your first post, funny story: Years ago, I met a guy where there was strong mutual attraction. The first night we ended up in bed, it was after he spent, no joke, THREE HOURS telling me he really, really liked me, but he wasn't looking for anything serious, and he didn't want to hurt me, but he wasn't looking for a commitment, but he really, really liked me and found me attractive, but he wasn't looking for anything serious, yadda-yadda-yadda. I finally looked him dead in the eye and said "Rate ourselves pretty high, don't we? What makes you think that just because I'm willing to f*ck you I want to marry you?"

Ironically, he left the US and went home to England a couple of years later, when he figured out I never was going to marry him.

>>>"Don't forget your prime directive as a fellow man -- first, get your dick wet. Only then is it necessary to turn into a pussy who gives a shit about whether or not the woman had something else in mind for "the relationship".

Yikes John Q. Really? That's men's prime directive? Even men who ARE looking for a relationship? I have nothing against two people doing the horizontal bop on the first date even when it's also the last date, but you make it sound so selfish and almost violent. I hope you're not speaking for all men.

I've read -- and I know it to be true among my hot 30 to 40 year old friends -- that women are much more receptive to no-strings-attached-flings than you might think, or more receptive than they've been historically. Changin' times. Marriage doesn't look like such a great thing anymore to a lot of women. But a regular lay without all the entanglements - I know plenty of women who are plenty hot and desirable - not desperate, just "game" - who'd be into that.

I've been known to suggest a meaningless fling a time or two, and always with great results. It's easier for a woman, I know, but I still think you might try the direct approach.

Per what Trina said: Back in high school -- I mean we're talking the mid-1970s, the Dark Ages -- a boy I'd spoken to maybe once or twice in the smoking lounge (yes, my school had a smoking lounge) walked up to me in the hall, handed me a folded piece of paper, and walked away. I opened it and read:

John William Smith
Requests the pleasure of
Dana Lastname's company
For dinner and bed
On (date)
At Local Nice Restaurant
Retiring to my place for the after dinner mints.

It worked. I mean, with an approach like that, how could I say no?

And again, that was almost 35 years ago, and I was all of 18.

Trina is absolutely correct. Women are usually just after a really good fuck. Men really have to get over their misconceptions about women.

There are two times when a man is morally justified in lying: In defense of nation, or to screw a woman.
LW, you gotta lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more.
Remember, they are lying to you too.
Also, remember in just a few short years you won't be able to bang so many good-looking women (unless the cash transaction part becomes more and more obvious).
Tell the girls they are special, you never felt this way before, this time is different, that you really believe in astrology, whatever they want to hear.
Save up well-written e-mails to send and re-send, make sure you change the names out.

Okay, when it comes time to break up, eat a lot of beans and fart really bad all might long. Tell them you always had this problem, but it was suppressed, but you can't stand the medicine anymore. Toss in the news of a drinking problem, and maybe ask her if she has any coke in the house.

Dude, you are home free, and on to the next kill.
Life is good.

If you effectively say to a woman, "Wanna go on a date?" you're going to get the kind of woman who is looking for a relationship, not the kind of woman who is open to a no-strings-fling. It's like asking, "Wanna go for a fine, multi-course, civilized dinner?" when what you really want to do is indulge in a fat, greasy cheeseburger.

If, on the other hand, you say, "Wanna have a meaningless fling?" you might actually find yourself faced with a woman who is excited by the idea, turned on by your directness, and is all for it -- and who actually really likes sex, making her way more fun in bed than the woman who might just be sleeping with you to snag you. If you're both (enthusiastically) there for the same thing, you'll both have a lot more fun.

Sticking with the dinner metaphor: Fancy, choreographed dinners have their place, but if you're both excited to just unabashedly devour fat, greasy cheeseburgers together...?

@Dana: I always believe that line from Shakespeare: "Methinks the lady, she doth protesteth over much" (that's a paraphrase, btw, haven't got good old Will handy at the moment).

I think the best way of handling these guys is to take them at their word, which is what you did and so good for you! I had one guy spend the better part of an evening (over dinner) telling me why he, and by extension all men, needed to have more than one woman in his life.

My answer: You're entitled to have as many women as you can get, I'm just not volunteering to be one of them. Pass the salt please.

Kinda stopped him in his tracks.

I don't think a public service announcement is necessary, unless she says something that leads him to suspect that she's looking for a relationship.

All the women I know who are looking for a serious relationship and are NOT into flings are REALLY good at making sure 1) that they don't sleep with a guy they just met 2)making sure that they get several dates out of him so that they can figure out his intentions--and make their own intentions clear.

Oh, the delusion...

Back when I was dating, I was very upfront about the fact that (a)don't think I ever want to get married again (b)don't want kids (c)not looking for a man to support me (d)if I enjoy spending time with someone I don't worry about where the relationship is going or the duration thereof...enjoy it while it lasts sort of thing. I also tried to work in the fact that I don't "sweat" people. (In other words, if you are looking for a stalker I'm not your girl.)

Well, I think I was taking away all the manly leverage, because twice I got phone calls (from men I didn't want to see again, incidentally) saying that they didn't think they could give me what I was looking for. I guess they were rejecting me before I could reject them. Except they were actually rejecting me *after* I rejected them by being upfront about the fact that I do not and will not ever "need" them.

So I highly doubt that all these ladies are just dying for a relationship with you, LW. My advice to you is to put the crazy right on the table where she can accept or reject it. You might not get laid as often, but your spurned lover won't boil your bunny either.

ie, your little stories that are meant to be funny really aren't. You try to come off as witty, but you really just come off as insecure,untrustworthy and mean. The girl in your story was probably using the situation to brag about her husband, if she really was as unattractive as you say. This, however,is a matter of perspective, and only someone suffering from massive insecurity would post the "anecdote" to feed their own ego. And as for dating, I think you might get a few less dates if the men you were dating knew you were using them as examples to debate with complete strangers online.

As for the LW, get over yourself hun! Failing that, don't worry about it, they'll get the game two seconds in. Us chicks can smell playa's from a mile away.

And BOTU, may I just say on behalf of all womenkind, KARMA IS GONNA TIE YOUR NUTS IN A NOOSE AND HANG YOU WITH 'EM!!!

Angie, uh...are you okay over there?

It's funny little story, that's all. And like a lot of people who have lived a long time, I've got a repertoire of funny anecdotes. I also write for a living, which explains my tendency to tell stories, although I do wish I would catch more of my typos when I post here.

[Note to self: start using the Preview Option.]

I'm actually quite surprised at your response. The woman in question--the one I said wasn't so attractive--actually COULD have been attractive if she'd made some effort. She dressed like a bag-lady (and please, no offense intended to the bag-ladies of this world) and, she really did seem to have a perceptual deficit when it came to what men thought of her.

Would you like me to arrange an introduction so you can see for yourself?

Angie, take the time to read some previous columns and ie's responses to them. Her comments are very thoughtful and worth reading.

Thank you Rozita. It's been a tough last few weeks. My disabled mother's health took a very steep downward turn and she went to a doctor's appointment last week and was ordered straight into a nursing home (that's attached to a local hospital). She may have to have her surviving leg amputated and that's why.

I spent the weeks leading up to this fighting with doctors, the local health authority and the nursing home system here to get her admitted because I could see the deterioration. It's been two years since my mom fell ill and although I've always had a lot of energy, this is finally getting to me.

Why am I writing this? Because it's been a stressful last few weeks and I couldn't go far from home because of my mom's condition. I couldn't get a lot of socializing or rest in and so posting here provided a bit of an escape. It's always a pleasure to focus on other people's problems!

My mom's in good hands now, so life, as I think I know it, will hopefully return to normal.

WOW!!!

The cart has been placed in front of the horse.....no, wait. The Road has been placed in front of the cart, thats been placed in front of the horse. Instead of riding to the horizon without a care.

If a Lady hint's, or seems to want to go on a date... if you are attracted to her and would like to go out too, Just Do It. Its a date. You dont have to read anything into it.

Be nice, be respectful, have fun and go with the flow, no expectations.

Maybe it will just be lunch, dinner, or a cup of coffee. If something more happens, great....if not great. If you go out again, great. If you do not go out again, great.

Men and Women alike are different and varying. We all misread others sign's, hints, signals, annoucements. You can't use GQ or Cosmo to "outline" what men or women want, or use it as a "Trail guide".

Have a date, have fun, play nice, get along. Learn about the person first hand. Keep it light. The sky isnt falling and the earth isn't about to be vaporized by Marvin the Martin.

It may turn out that you go home alone, or you get a kiss, or you get couch time, or maybe you start dating, or maybe it turns into a relationship.

Keep things open, honest....and Communicate. If you only want one date, dont say your gonna call. Say " it was very nice meeting you, and I wish you the best of luck" That means She or He doesnt want to do it again. If the digits are exchanged, that means call in a couple days(not to exceed 3 days per Cosmo...or was that GQ, lol). If you do not call, or wait longer...well people are different. Maybe they will answer or respond...maybe not.

Happy hunting Everyone. Be honest, be real, and go with the flow. Now touch gloves and lets have a clean match. We can all make this Dating world better with honesty, and being upfront.

BTW, I just turned 40, never married and no kids. I do date. I am tested, and clean...and if I was not, I would tell the other one before doing anything-kissing included.

Happy Holidays, and Lets all get out there and vote.....