Pair Pressure
What do you call somebody you're in a long-term relationship with when you're both middle-aged professionals who live together but aren't married? My (fill in the blank) and I are somewhat stymied when introducing each other. "Boyfriend" sounds transient, "partner" is business-y, "significant other" sounds cold, and "lover" is way too much information. Help!
--His Non-Wife
Have you tried "This is Bob, and we're in a monogamous sexual relationship"? Or maybe "Meet the one thing keeping me from dying alone and having my decomposing body go undiscovered for weeks." There's status in being married, so there's an understandable desire by those who are coupled but not under contract to have their relationships valued, too. Unfortunately, there really isn't a good term for introducing an unmarried partner, although some options might be: "My Yoko Ono," "my consort," "my constant," "my boy-toy," "my everything," or, during a rough patch, "my plus-one, Bob." But, do you really need to explain your relationship immediately? Frankly, if more of the smug married people out there were as honest and concrete as you're trying to be, they'd drop that convenient spousal shorthand of "Meet my husband" for something like "This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I've fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it's a tough economy and I'm in retail."
What ever happened to 'ball and chain'?
Kendra at October 6, 2010 2:29 AM
This IS a problem. My mom was in the hospital for four months and I was her power-of-attorney. The problem was that her live-in companion of 10 years wasn't and that made for some awkward moments, as in "why isn't the husband signing for this woman?" Or, "shouldn't your father be making these decisions too?" etc.
I think it was a bit harder on my mom's companion (Oh yeah...that was what I ended up calling him; either that or "live-in boyfriend") because, like I said, people were wondering why he couldn't do anything official. They were looking at him like perhaps he was borderline senile or something and poor me, the daughter, was stuck with a doddery dad and a critically ill mother.
And then there was the issue of the house. He was living there, but my mom owned it, so there were a few awkward moments there too when people naturally assumed he would continue living in it. He did move out after a few months when it became clear my mom wouldn't be returning and moved in with his daughter. People of his age (in his 70s), at least in the area they lived, tend to be long-established families and so his moving out caught the attention of some of the neighbours. Probably caused some gossip, although I didn't hear it as I was so busy taking care of my mom.
I didn't care about the mistakes so much since they came about naturally, but I felt bad for my mom's companion whenever it would happen. That's probably because he's a very nice man, a lot nicer than my biological father, (who's deceased.)
It seemed at every turn he was being reminded that he had very few rights. I'd love it if a new term was coined. It would save some of the other elderly couples I know--who are living in sin(!)--the same discomfort and grief. My feeling was that this man deserved a bit more respect, although it was the situation and not the people we were dealing with who caused it.
ie at October 6, 2010 3:14 AM
ie, that's really sad. It sounds like an awkward situation. Of course, your mother could have given him power of attorney instead and given him limited rights of her choosing without them getting married - but as someone who really should have a written a will and who hasn't got around to it I understand these things can get overlooked till it's too late. On the whole though I prefer that to a state enforced automatic 'recognition' of relationship status where the people involved haven't explicitly entered into the contract. In Australia generally two years of co-habitation counts as a de facto marriage and is legally treated virtually the same when it comes to break-ups.
On topic, LW, why do you care? What's wrong with 'friend', pronounced with the inverted commas if you want to hint? People who know you well enough will already know the situation, and others can speculate all they like - stuff them.
I do have a friend who has been together with his partner for 20+ years, and they've pretty much given in and introduce themselves as husband and wife a lot of the time for much the same reasons, although they've never married. So maybe the answer is to answer within the spirit rather than the (signed registry) letter of the law and tell people what they want to hear.
Ltw at October 6, 2010 4:15 AM
Actually Ltw, our family lawyer strongly suggested that I remain her POA because of my mom and her companion's age. It's just all these unintended consequences were embarassing for her companion. He deserved more recognition, I think.
ie at October 6, 2010 4:29 AM
I agree with Ltw. "Friend" sounds like it ought to be enough.
Old RPM Daddy at October 6, 2010 4:47 AM
It all depends if you view the government's permission to call yourself "husband and wife" as something better than what you have. Why does the government have this power over us anyway? Why do they even have a finger in the pie of personal relationships, deciding who can and who can't get married? Oh yeah, they make money off it.
I vote for ball and chain. Make a joke out of it and stop giving a shit what other people think. Either that or get married.
Thag Jones at October 6, 2010 5:10 AM
Or there's always "this is my friend with benefits."
Thag Jones at October 6, 2010 5:14 AM
From the other side of the coin, I am an attorney and I work with one other attorney, a male about my age. The appropriate term for him is "my partner", but when I mention him in a non-work related situation, I always feel like I have to specify that he is my business partner, not my partner partner.
I've always liked the term "beau", particularly for older folks. Though I think boyfriend/girlfriend are really the most easily understood terms, as silly as they sound.
Lyssa at October 6, 2010 6:02 AM
You could use the Dr. Laura term- " my shack up honey."
David M. at October 6, 2010 6:24 AM
My boyfriend always refers to me as his "girl" even though I'm 52. I call him my boyfriend, but when people call him my husband or me his wife, we don't bother correcting them. It feels like we've been married for ever anyway!
Flynne at October 6, 2010 6:24 AM
My wife and I are in our fifties and have been living together for over 3 years. We are considered common law by our province and have medical and financial POAs for each other. We are the sole beneficiaries of each other's wills and are husband and wife in every way except for the little piece of paper.
It just seems silly to use some other description of each other when husband and wife fits so well.
BTW, we took out insurance naming our respective children as beneficiaries in lieu of their receiving an inheritance. We did this because there are tax benefits in leaving retirement accounts to the surviving spouse. The estate will be split among the children when the last of us dies.
Steamer at October 6, 2010 7:56 AM
I like "beau." I also like "main squeeze," as it distinguishes her from my secondary and tertiary squeezes.
-Jut
JutGory at October 6, 2010 8:04 AM
A friend of mine went to Africa for a year with a friend of hers. They started a non-profit to help African children there. When she came back, my friend had cut her hair short and kept talking about the things that she and her "partner" had done in Africa.
Guess what conclusion I came to? I was wrong!
To me, "partner" sounds like you're in an unmarried gay relationship.
What's wrong with "boyfriend/girlfriend"? Everyone knows what it means.
NicoleK at October 6, 2010 8:23 AM
I am guessing the objection to boyfriend/girlfriend is a generational thing. At least in my experience, the people that "hate" it the most are older folks. Most of them dated in high school and married right after. Finding themselves single and dating later in life they feel awkward calling someone a "boyfriend" because the last time they did it they were 16.
On the other hand, based on my observations, if the person has dated through college or after they have less problem referring to someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend without having flashbacks to prom.
Kathleen Kennedy at October 6, 2010 9:19 AM
"What's wrong with "boyfriend/girlfriend"? Everyone knows what it means."
Everyone knows that it means a romantic relationship, but that doesn't describe the depth of the relationship.
It could mean that you have had 5 dates, agreed to be exclusive last night and hope to have sex for the first time soon.
Or, it could mean you are legally common law with POAs and all the rights of a married couple.
I called my wife my 'partner' at first, but she goes by Eli (short for Elizabeth) and a few people misunderstood.
Steamer at October 6, 2010 9:19 AM
Sometimes boyfriend/girlfriend is just fine.
Other times, you do want to underscore your level of commitment. There's a big difference to being someone's girlfriend for six months or being- girlfriend-for-twenty-years-who-has-power-of-attorney-and-saw-him-through-that-bout-of-cancer.
I get what Amy's saying about 'husband' - it can be misleading. But it would be nice to be able, when you want, to signal the difference in commitment. This is done in Europe - where people marry less - by the word partner. We don't have an equivalent here and sometimes that's a tad annoying.
AntoniaB at October 6, 2010 9:24 AM
I see the point about wanting to underscore your commitment. But honestly when someone says "This is my partner." I don't think "Wow, they must be in a deep, seriously committed relationship."
Instead I mentally roll my eyes and think "Oh geez, I better be careful. These people sound like one wrong term/label is going to send them into a hissy-fit." It just sounds silly too me.
Kat at October 6, 2010 9:38 AM
One reason to name the relationship is an indicator whether it's OK for your friends to hit on the person or not, or how to respond if said person started flirting with them.
But there's no good term. I like "beau", actually.
vi at October 6, 2010 9:50 AM
"This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I've fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it's a tough economy and I'm in retail"
That's the funniest thing I've read all day!
momof4 at October 6, 2010 10:12 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/10/pair-pressure.html#comment-1762765">comment from momof4Thank you!
Amy Alkon
at October 6, 2010 10:15 AM
I agree Kat, often it doesn't really make a difference. The point that vi brings up - tongue in cheek or tongue hanging out - is important. We give out social information that is useful for people in seeing our set-up so that people know how to respond appropriately. As you say, Kat, often it's irrelevant but it's nice to have the option.
AntoniaB at October 6, 2010 10:37 AM
It is a problem. That's why I was relieved to get engaged. I didn't much care for "boyfriend" at our age, though it's the most understood. "Companion" sounds too passionless and "partner" too businesslike (plus my ex is my business partner, so it's really confusing in my case).
Maybe even if you don't plan on marrying, you could get engaged. Of course, then, everyone will ask you when's the big day, which is equally annoying.
lovelysoul at October 6, 2010 10:52 AM
I did refer to Don (my mom's SO) as her "companion" and I agree, it sounds a bit passionless. And, "partner" somehow didn't seem right either. I did say "boyfriend" a few times, but that didn't seem right either--they're just not young enough for that. So, I usually made a mish-mash of it and added "live-in" to one of the choices above. I like beau, too, but correct me if I'm wrong--that's only to refer to men, right?
ie at October 6, 2010 11:06 AM
"beau , or beaux ( bōz ). The boyfriend of a woman or girl. A dandy; a fop. [French, from beau, bel , handsome, from Latin bellus"
I think it's only males. Beau still sounds a little weird unless you're old. It's too proper. And then, of course, people will misunderstand, think it's his name, and call him "Bo" all night.
lovelysoul at October 6, 2010 11:15 AM
If we split up, she gets half of my stuff, so I'm sticking with 'wife'.
Steamer at October 6, 2010 11:22 AM
What about sweetheart? That's kind of nice, though a little mushy.
lovelysoul at October 6, 2010 11:25 AM
"Everyone knows that it means a romantic relationship, but that doesn't describe the depth of the relationship."
Umm... who cares if anyone else immediately knows the depth of the relationship? If it comes up, explain it then.
Personally, I prefer "co-Sodomite."
Razor at October 6, 2010 11:39 AM
@Razor: I like your last comment! Very creative.
However, I have to tell you, I ended up explaining my mom and her SO's "type" of relationship so often, I started to feel like a parrot. And, it wasn't simple because people wanted to know for legal/signing reasons. They had to make sure the right person was answering for her.
So, explaining things usually entailed something approximating an anecdote or very short story. Add to that that Don was often somewhere close by, listening to me struggle to define him, and I really started to sigh every time I got the questions.
The adjectives "tedious" and "onerous" come to mind.
ie at October 6, 2010 12:40 PM
Whatever happened to "my old man/my old lady" ? Especially when the couple is, well, old. Depending on how you say it, it can sound loving rather than insulting.
Indi at October 6, 2010 12:52 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/10/pair-pressure.html#comment-1762822">comment from IndiI sometimes introduce Gregg, who is 13 years older than I am, as "my boy toy." He secretly loves it.
Amy Alkon
at October 6, 2010 1:00 PM
I think we should come up with a term/label right here on this website. "Beau" is good for the guy, but what do you call the woman? Amy, you have a lot of wise and clever commenters (is that a word?)on this site. One of them should be able to come up with an appropriate label.
Just sayin' at October 6, 2010 2:00 PM
I was born and raised in Sweden. There there is an officially recognized term called "Sambo". It stands for "Samman boende" which means "Living together". So maybe "Livto" would work?
Tony at October 6, 2010 2:26 PM
This is a good question - I am in a marriage-like, for keeps relationship but not married and have no intention of getting married soon. Boyfriend does sound teenagerish, partner is weird, so I've started referring to him as the "dearly beloved," as in, "This is Xavier (not his real name), my dearly beloved." It makes people laugh and clarifies what his relationship with me is without being juvenile or ick-inducing.
Choika at October 6, 2010 3:16 PM
I don't want to be macabre, but one thing I've noticed happening in my province is that terminally ill patients will often marry their long-term sweethearts. If I remember correctly, it's because only a husband/wife has the authorization to ask a doctor to pull the plug, so to speak, on their spouse. A long-term partner does not have that right.
How about a combo of the words spousal unit...?
ie at October 6, 2010 4:26 PM
"My little catamite."
Richard Simmons at October 6, 2010 5:08 PM
Hmmm, Tony, I'm very glad you didn't suggest adopting the term "Sambo" - it doesn't really work in English!
And, it wasn't simple because people wanted to know for legal/signing reasons. They had to make sure the right person was answering for her.
ie, I really do sympathise with that. I'm still very close to my ex-gf whom I lived with for 8 years. She moved in with her best friend (male) when we broke up. They live ten minutes walk away so I see them both regularly, as in "can I drop in on the way home" type regularly. None of us have ever been married, no kids, we all have various health problems. The three of us spend a lot of time looking out for and supporting each other, but we have no legal or relationship attachment of any kind. Which is something we'll need to fix as we get older. We have plans for establishing a co-op retirement home for ourselves and a few selected friends on the grounds that you can't trust anyone else to look after you :)
The questions we have to field on a regular basis are sometimes very difficult to answer. It's fun though having people ask tentatively "Ummm, just want to ask, exactly what is the situation with you and her now? Or is she with him?" Because I mention her in conversation a lot of people assume we're back together, then get really confused when I mention her friend.
Ltw at October 6, 2010 5:25 PM
--His Non-Wife
I completely missed that - LW, you answered your own question! I wear a wedding band (on the second finger, not ring finger) and people often assume I'm married. When my gf and I were still together, I used to answer qustions with "No, I'm not married, but yes the ring is from the particular person I'm not married to". Usually got the point across pretty quickly without extended explanations.
Ltw at October 6, 2010 5:30 PM
Ltw: May I make a suggestion?
When people ask about your relationship with your ex and her friend, maybe you could come up with a cryptic sounding name for your little group, something like "The Mystic Threesome" and just give them a wink or a leering look when you tell them. THAT'll make 'em wonder!
(And my guess is that you and your friends could come up with a better name given a glass of wine or two...)
ie at October 6, 2010 6:22 PM
ie, I would love that, I like shocking people who can't understand that there are ways of living outside their hidebound conventions! But she is a bit shy and anxious and would be upset if I hinted at any impropriety. So it won't happen but it definitely suits my style of inappropriate humour. I would probably go with "The Three Musketeers" just to see if anyone got the "All for one, and one for all" reference...
Ltw at October 6, 2010 7:28 PM
"This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I've fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it's a tough economy and I'm in retail"
like said momof4 it is funny.
but the fact is that i know someone like that, then it is not so funny.
nico at October 6, 2010 9:21 PM
Just sayin'... I know a lot of older men who refer to their lovers as "My Lady Friend"... wouldn't that be the equivalent of Beau?
NicoleK at October 6, 2010 11:27 PM
I don't see anything wrong with "boyfriend." Amy usually refers to Gregg that way in her posts, and they're middle-aged professionals in a long-term relationship.
Rex Little at October 7, 2010 12:52 AM
How about "my (add name here)". I always call my husband "my Tony". I know it's not very conventional. It definitely suggests more than a dating relationship, though - and there's no mistaking it for a business relationship. Whether there's anything else going on is nobody's GD business!
Elise at October 7, 2010 4:47 AM
'My partner-in-sin'
'My (best) beloved'
In Dutch I'd probably say 'Mijn lief' which means 'my love' but has a less sappier association than in English.
Anne de Vries at October 7, 2010 12:24 PM
I usually called my now husband "my sweetheart". After we got engaged I usually called him "my fiance" if introducing. I write a blog and pretty much referred to him as "my sweetheart" and still do. It's a term of endearment and I like its old fashioned sound.
I did fill out some forms a few times prior to our engagement but after we moved in and put him as my emergency contact and under relationship I'd put "paramour" just for fun-they thought it was cute at my doctor's office. I believe it means "live-in love" in French or something close to it.
Linny at October 8, 2010 4:58 AM
For the eight years I lived with my man before we married, I introduced him as 'my man.'
Ingrid at October 8, 2010 10:28 AM
A guy at work has a "girlfriend" with whom he shares two children. Recently, another coworker, when faced with the need to refer to this woman, used the term "pair amour". Although I wouldn't recommend introducing your significant other in this way, I thought it was a very classy description for a third person to use. I thought it demonstrated a lingual elegance far beyond "baby momma" or "mother of his bastard children".
If the level of commitment is as deep as some of the people who struggle with this problem claim, get married. Particularly when children are involved. We do live in a larger society for fuck's sake.
Some of these posts refer to common law relationships. I'd like to register my disgust for these laws. Some have said, "who is the government to bless your relationship with a piece of paper?" -- I'm paraphrasing. Well, these common law atrocities are a good example of government run amok. Although you never made a commitment to get married, the government will make that commitment for you? Based on what? Shared living quarters? Disgusting.
JonQPublic at October 8, 2010 2:41 PM
Well, my mom and her boyfriend didn't marry for many reasons, the biggest one being financial. My mother had a widow's pension with great benefits and she would have had to give that up if she'd gotten married.
Her significant other's health insurance wouldn't have covered her because he was retired when he met her. There was also the question of my mom wanting us to inherit her estate and Don wanting his kids to inherit his. In a marriage, by law (at least in Canada), the surviving spouse automatically gets half.
They were for all intents and purposes a married couple. The lack of legalities only became painfully apparent when my mother fell ill.
In Quebec, we have the highest rate of "unmarried families" in Canada but it seems to work well. Most of these moms with kids have the fathers living with them and they ARE a family.
But I do get your point about baby mommas. I'm in an environment where I get to see young women pregnant by men who don't seem very committed. I lay the blame equally there, by the way. These young women would be far better off choosing partners who actually care.
ie at October 8, 2010 3:30 PM
"Spousal unit" is a nice compromise. It has a nice funny side to it and leaves a little bit to the imagination.
arejay at October 8, 2010 5:23 PM
arejay, any expression longer than one word ends up getting contracted, and I don't want to be referred to as someone's "Spit" :)
Ltw at October 9, 2010 2:27 AM
"This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I've fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it's a tough economy and I'm in retail"
I suspect my wife could have been writing Amy. It's funny .... and not.
JP at October 9, 2010 8:50 AM
Why tell them anything? How about "This is (fill in name)". But I like "Beau" as good as anything...sounds very southern!
mike at October 11, 2010 2:01 PM
I prefer "Lady Friend" and "Gentleman Friend". They are somewhat classy sounding yet do not indicate a formally legal relationship.
My hubby's twice-widowed mother had a gentleman friend for several years in their later years. They did not marry due to inheritance issues.
LauraGr at October 12, 2010 3:26 PM
I like "companion" but some people may find it too friend-like. Still, it does imply a committed relationship and whether or not you actually have sex with your "companion" is no-one's business, anyway. Generally I go with "sweetheart" but I can understand that might be too cloying for some. If you are registered domestic partners, I don't think "husband" or "wife" is misrepresenting yourself; of course, you may have your own issues with those terms. I know a couple who have been together for nearly fifty years now who refer to each other as husband and wife, and in fact she uses his last name, they have three grown children, and I guess after all that, why split hairs that they aren't technically husband and wife (most legal marriages don't last as long as their legally meaningless co-habitation).
Rachel at October 16, 2010 2:10 PM
Many older people who live together but are not married, do so because the government pays them not to get married. In earlier times they would be married. BTW,if you live in a common-law marriage state or province, and you live together as husband and wife, you are husband and wife,legally. This situation was not invented to complicate peoples lives. It was to protect children. Children born into common-law marriages are not legally bastards and have inheritance rights not given to illegitimate children in the past.
ken in sc at October 17, 2010 10:48 AM
It all depends if you view the government's permission to call yourself "husband and wife" as something better than what you have. Why does the government have this power over us anyway? Why do they even have a finger in the pie of personal relationships, deciding who can and who can't get married? Oh yeah, they make money off it.
Depending on the Fed & State regulations marriage -- even common-law -- can have a devastating on benefits. If I had been with My Lady in the right time-frame -- she would not have qualified for Medicaid, SSI, etc. But because the government has taken over so many social functions that were private in the past we had no choice.
But my reference for her was as "My Lady" was meant with all the reference's and reverence as she was my partner, friend, lover and my companion. But legally -- we could not hold ourselves out that close in public. It was actually a question aksed when we were getting her benefits set up.
Jim P. at October 20, 2010 11:35 PM
Being in a area with a culture of marriage and when hearing me and my girlfriend (thats what I usually say) have been together for years we do get some strange looks and questions. I have learned to fib a few times saying yes this is my wife or even my fiancée, or just downgrade time together. It saves some face and trouble a little plus damn the Koreans love a romantic story. I do get the odd ahh if I say she is my Fiancée.
John Paulson at October 25, 2010 9:08 PM
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